As a blogger, how could I pass up the opportunity to do some basic bitch 2019 recap/ new year shit. So, let’s get into it, and forget about the fact that technically there should be at least three sentences per paragraph.
This past year I shed my fair share of tears. I was sick and hospitalized in a developing country alone, and to top it all off, I broke my phone and lost my debit card that same week. (Click this links that follow to read my blogs about what I learned from getting a virus in a developing country etc.) I also went on the bus ride from hell, nearly died, and I’ve relapsed. I had times where I felt insecure, anxious af, and uncertain, but I wouldn’t change a thing. Link: I’m about to have a midlife crisis
Last year I left everyone and everything I knew behind and went to backpack the world with no plans or idea of what would come. That was just the start of discovering who I’ve become since solo traveling the world. I thought differently on how I feel about my body since traveling too, and now I’ll stop with the links, but had to throw that last one in there because it was one of my most popular blog posts in 2019.
In 2019 I surrendered and let the world take me through this journey called life, and proved that I have what it takes to do whatever I want with it. With that came some of the most incredible friendships and connections, countless memories that will last a lifetime, and the best year of my fucking life. From leaps of faith, to trusting myself, listening to my gut, and giving less shits, how the fuck would life not take me to and through magical places and experiences?
No matter what 2020 brings, It’ll be even better than my best year ever because I refuse to be the victim. I refuse to go through hardships without coming out the other end a better person than I was before. 2019 has made me a more powerful creator of my life, and I’ll accept nothing less in 2020. I’m not going to stop being my badass self, so best believe it will only go up from here.
I hope 2020 gives you opportunities to take big risk, and you have the cojones to do it. I hope you have emotional experiences that cause you to reflect and become wiser and stronger. I hope that you see your power and start to harness it more than you ever have. Embrace discomfort. Befriend fear and introduce it to trust. Step into your power and go have your best year yet.
When someone doesn’t get what they want, whether it’s the job of their dreams, acceptance to their top college, or a good date, it’s hard to know how to respond. That said, it can be even harder to hear what others have to say about it. The go-to “Aww, I’m sorry” is probably the last thing anyone wants to hear. I’ve envisioned myself sucker punching people in the nose who give me responses like that, and though I felt a sense of guilt for my internal imagery, it felt justified.
One day, I held my breath as I told my yoga instructor what I was going through, but her response is what really took my breath away.
“Congratulations,” she said without prying for any more information.
That response shifted my perspective on what we perceive as failure or disappointment. Boyfriend dumped you? Congratulations! You’re free from being tied to a boy who did not love you the way you deserve to be loved. Got fired? Congratulations! You’re moving forward toward a path more suited for you. Didn’t get accepted? Congratulations! You’re on your way to finding a better fit. Had a bad date? Congratulations! You are one step closer to meeting the one who’s right for you. You now know more of what you’re looking for, and you are clearer about what your standards are.
This is not some bogus hippy-dippy positive vibe shit to ignore the pain. These are changes that are moving us forward regardless of how it makes us feel. There is good and bad in every situation we find ourselves in, so why not congratulate the good it brings? I can congratulate myself and simultaneously feel like the offspring of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh and Butterpuff from the Powerpuff Girls. Even when the pain is there, knowing that it is all worth celebrating gives me a sense of liberation—and an opportunity to claim my power. Continue reading Got Dumped? Congratulations!
The only break I got from my living nightmare, was when I was asleep. My eating disorder consumed me. “When will I eat next? What will I eat? How will I be incognito when the lunch lady clearly sees me grabbing my 6th cookie? I already have a rivalry with her, so fuck it. Plus, I can just have Alexis get me more. God damnit, how dare they take so long in the bathroom. The audacity. I need to be alone in there. If only I was thinner… “ something along those lines was the loop that played on repeat in my head.
To think I used to live that way is almost surreal. The severe amount of anxiety and imprisonment I felt in my own body and mind became second nature. The double life I had to live sucked the life out of me, but I couldn’t even tell. I was able to fool myself and everyone around me.
“Wow, how can you eat so much and be so skinny? Do you have a super fast metabolism or something? You’re so lucky!” Said an acquaintance that I reluctantly agreed could accompany me one day. Meanwhile, she only was watching me eat the last quarter of my meal. Although I was thrilled she called me skinny, her even noticing my eating habits made me want to mush the rest of my ice cream in her face.
It was like I was in an abusive relationship with ED, my eating disorder. I didn’t want anyone to acknowledge it was happening, or make me remember that it was a toxic relationship.
“ED is always there for me. ED comforts me everyday. Yes, ED is controlling, manipulative, and causes me mental and physical pain, but I love ED. Id be lost without ED. ED is my everything. How could I ever live without ED?”
Thankfully, my desire to be free eventually outweighed the comfort of being cagED. My passion and dedication to heal and love myself became the key to unlock me from the captivity of ED. I learned a lot from ED, but I’ve learned more by shutting that door, so I could walk through another one that wouldn’t keep me cagED.
Have you ever looked at a Catapillar and thought “What the hell is taking you so long you maggot looking blob with legs? Why aren’t you flying?” I don’t think so. You understand there will be a transformation, and time needs to take place. Yet, oh so often we have these unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others. We demand and assume things from us and people we know that make as much logical sense as a cocoon hatching a unicorn.
I’m so guilty of being dat bitch who is like “Law of attraction blah blah blah I can get whatever whenever if I try hard enough.” Before any fellow spiritual folks get riled up, I believe in the law of attraction and our ability to attract what we want based off of what we think and feel. However, it also can be detrimental because we don’t see the bigger picture. There is a larger party at work, and maybe a longer transformation needs to ensue to create that reality. Expecting it in a certain way and time frame can hold us in an unwanted pattern too.
I’m not writing this to be all high and mighty like I know what the fuck I’m doing. I’m that girl yelling at a freaking caterpillar that doesn’t even understand me. Deep down though, I know I need to stop trying to control this crazy simulation called life, and let the caterpillar enjoy its time on land.