success – Page 2 – Brooke Lyn Landon

What Will I Do Once My Dream is Over

I have plenty of dreams, and one that I’ve had for the longest time is about to come true. In a few days I’ll be in Japan. If I got tattoos of things I’ve been obsessed with at some point in my life, I’d probably have a Hello Kitty tramp stamp, manga sleeve, all that Morning Glory store crap on my calves, a miso soup face tattoo, and throw in a couple geishas and Harajuku girls while I’m at it.

When I think about going to Japan now, I get so excited, but I also instantly picture that money emoji with wings flying away. I will try to make that forever tomorrow’s problem. What I am unnecessarily making today’s problem is finding out what to do once my dream is over.

Like I said, I have plenty of dreams, but when this one is over, I don’t have a plan of what step to take next. Im going back to a country where I have no home, or idea what will happen. The world is my oyster, and though that is a dream to many including myself, it’s an overwhelming amount of responsibility and choices. I trust that it will all unfold as it should, or as my friend’s tattoo says “It’ll probably be fine.” That said, it made me think about what more I can do to help me through the phase when a dream is over.

I’ve come to realize, the easiest way to move through this, is to get excited about the next phase, step, or event of my life. It could be acknowledging the tremendous growth this next chapter will bring, my next trip, or that dream that I get the feels just thinking about. As long as it’s not triggering in some way, focusing on another dream, event, or positive thought, will have me smiling because it happened rather than crying because it’s over.

However, focusing on a dream is not to say forget about where you are. This is not a day dream to take you to Neverland. If you feel like shit, acknowledge and process your feelings. Know that your mind is afraid but your heart knows what to do and will guide you if you let it. Then remember more is on its way.

This may be the end of one dream, but there are plenty more dreams to be fulfilled and that will come true. All that exists is the present and I know that sounds cliche as fuck but it’s the truth and you know it. In times like these, it’s when I need to focus and consciously do what I can to move forward with a positive mindset. I’d be lying if I said it would be a walk in the park, but I’ll be walking on sunshine if I make the effort.

I’m not saying this because I think I know it all or feel like you don’t know wtf you’re doing. I’m saying this because it helps be process my feelings and walk on sunshine. I also do this in the hopes you’ll be able to join me on my walk in the sun too.

It Doesn’t Matter Where You Are

I’m mid temple tour in Chiang Mai, Thailand. I’m surrounded by some of the most stunning and sacred temples in Northern Thailand, but the only place I want to be is back in Indonesia. I asked myself why I’m not stimulated by such beauty and found some answers shortly after observing my surroundings.

When I look to my left I see an elderly Asian couple from my group. They take an absurd amount of selfies, but who am I to judge. To my right is a squad of Spanish teenagers that look like they all went way too hard the night before. Behind me stands a couple who speak as though they only know how to talk about Voldemort, so they say nothing at all.

If I was with any of the people I befriended in Indonesia, I’d be laughing my ass off right now. Even if I was merely in the vicinity of them, I’d feel joy. So it’s not about where I am, it’s who I’m with.

We are co-creators. Life is meant to be shared. I used to cringe when I heard that saying because it reminded me about how I’m single as a dollar bill over here, but you don’t have to shag to share an incredible bond and experience.

Wait, I know what you’re thinking. What about being alone? Shouldn’t you be happy anywhere so long as you love yourself? Yep, my thoughts exactly. Maybe I still have a ways to go. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been very happy with who I am and being on my own this trip. I went to the night market alone last night and enjoyed my time there.

Could it be that witnessing others sharing experiences has me aware of the power and beauty of co-creation, and the void of not having that now is more apparent? Perhaps the amplification of my independence and freedom scares me. Maybe it saddens me because I’d rather have someone to depend on and be free with.

It could be so many things, but one thing’s for sure. I trust that life will unfold beautifully and this is just a micro ebb in the flow of my travels. I’ve been in Chiang Mai for a little over 24 hours, so I’ve got to cut myself some slack for not having made a connection I’m really pumped about. Time to see what magic life brings me next.

From Misery to Marvelous

June 7th, 2018

“That’s why I’ve concluded that between now and mid November, your togetherness can and should reach peak expression,” reads the words written below my horoscope in The Independent. Well, thank the freakin’ Lord because I feel as together as Britany Spears during her bald-head phase. My therapist tells me it’s time for more inner child work, and I agree. Problem is, that child inside of me is apparently a professional long distance runner because it seems like the chance to do the inner work tends to run away.

October 10th, 2018

So much for that stupid piece of paper in The Independent. If this is full expression, I want to go back to half expression, or no expression at all. I’m such a rollercoaster. I have the enthusiasm of an audience member on Oprah during the 12 days of Christmas giveaway. The next week, the dopamine in my brain is a mix of Eeyore from Winnie the Poo and Scrooge.

June 15th, 2019

The Independent may be full of shit, but at least I don’t feel like shit. In fact, over the past several months, life has been marvelous and keeps getting better. Though sometimes I look at the ebbs in life as unfortunate, it’s a beautiful phenomenon. The ever constant ebb and flow is the rhythm of the cosmos. It is the way we evolve into more. We perceive it as a rollercoaster because it’s one hell of a ride, but we don’t have to look at it as horrific. Our seatbelts are always on, and we’ll always be okay even when we scream or feel like puking. Eventually, we will enjoy the views and thrills of it all.

Three Steps to Succeed in Love and Life

photo-1465145177017-c5b156cd4d14 October 18th, 2018

“Step 1: _____
Step 2: _____
Step 3: Win”

That’s what I read as I looked down at the Cards Against Humanity card that I held between my thumb and index finger. I’m going to run with that prompt, and considering my life these days, I’ll write about relationships…or lack thereof.

Step 1: Stop worrying so much about being alone forever. The chances of me being an 80-year-old cat lady with cobwebs between my legs is not as likely as I make it seem…I’m allergic to cats.

Step 2: Enjoy the single life. It’s not all that bad, am I right? Now that I’ve spent the last two minutes trying to think of why it’s not all that bad, I’m realizing I have quite a bit of work to do. Shit, maybe step two should be find what brings you joy and follow that because thinking about single life makes me feel like Amanda Bynes pre-psychiatric treatment. Moral of step 2: Take action to do more of what lights you up.

Step 3: Win

More than six months have past since I wrote about the Cards Against Humanity prompt in October, 2018. A lot has changed since then. For starters, I could recite a laundry list of reasons why the single life is great. I am not saying this because since then I’ve been in a relationship that made me think boys are monsters and still have cooties. The single life is great because I listened to my own advice for once, and I took action to do more of what makes me happy.

These past several months have brought me so much fulfillment that a healthy and loving relationship would be the cherry on top rather than the Ben and Jerry’s itself. Until then, I’ll be living my best life, enjoying my freedom, and exploring possibilities. #Winning.

I Don’t Know What the Fuck I’m Doing, and it’s a Masterpiece

photo-1493321384838-70c5a85ba487 Waves of indecision and uncertainty crash over me like an infant playing too close to the ocean. What will happen as I go solo backpacking through Asia? What am I even doing there? Whenever I choose to return, or if I do, where should I set roots? I try to convince myself I know what I’m doing and put my mind at ease. Truth is, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, but it’s a masterpiece. Here’s why.

Although I may be mildly hyperventilating on a daily basis, I am now the artist of my life. I’m consciously creating my masterpiece rather than blindly making the same images, and using similar colors, that society or others have projected onto me. I’m using my gut, the true designer of life, rather than my mind, which repeatedly tells me to use the same palette to keep me safe and comfortable.

When I walk into the unknown, I feel the invisible bondage of expectations, assumptions, and familiarity evaporate into nothingness, where the beginning of everything lives. It’s unsettling, unnerving, and exhilarating. It’s living.

We are conditioned to think it’s bad to be uncertain of what the future holds, or to not know what the next step is, because it makes us feel uneasy. There’s this unspoken pressure to “have your shit together” which often goes hand in hand with other’s unrealistic expectations of what they think our lives should look like. The uneasiness and change we think are bad are catalysts for forward movement.

I can’t count the amount of times people have told me, “I could never do what you’re doing.” In fact, I heard it today.

My response was “ I don’t feel like I can either, but if I waited until I did, I would never do it.”

It feels chaotic, but chaos is creation in disguise. Chaos, change, and discomfort are masterpiece that is often only acknowledged as such after the fact. Remember, in times of chaos, there’s creation. It’s life giving you a blank canvas. Are you going to create the same image you’ve always made with that clean slate? Will it be a scene that makes your heart ache or sing? Once you embrace the artist you are, it becomes your choice and responsibility to create your masterpiece.

My mind tells me I’m not ready, I have doubts, I feel fear. With that, I also have a blank canvas. It may get messy, and I’m certainly no Michelangelo, but I know I have the freedom to make a masterpiece designed by none other than me.

The Void of a Vice

photo-1486572788966-cfd3df1f5b42 My therapist told me when I want to emotionally eat, I should journal instead, so here I am. In an ideal world, I’d be double fisting granola on the kitchen island with no consequences or ill intent to mask discomfort. This, however, is my world, where my relationship with food is about as damaged as my friend’s iphone. She nearly needs stitches when she swipes the screen.

It’s interesting to me how we ALL have our vices to deal with during this crazy thing called life, yet some go unnoticed as an escape or way to avoid feelings. Overindulge in food, drugs, nicotine, alcohol, or sex, and it’s “You need help. You have a problem.”

Yet overindulging in television, social media, exercise, shopping, and caffeine, and it’s “You gotta do what you gotta do. It’s the 21st century.”

Sometimes, it’s even considered a form of self-care, when it’s anything but that. More often than not, it’s a way to escape feelings that are dying to be addressed and processed. Instead of becoming aware of our emotions and processing them in healthy ways, people go to processed foods or go through the process of picking the next Instagram-worthy photo.

The first step to avoid our vices is having the awareness that multiple times every day, we are using them to avoid something deeper. If we take a moment to pause each time we impulsively reach for our phone to scroll through Facebook, or call a friend because we’re “bored”, we may be surprised what comes up.

One day I opened the fridge to chow down on some carrots and paused.

“What am I really hungry for?” I asked myself when I took a moment to reflect and acknowledge I was acting impulsively and wasn’t hungry.

I closed the fridge and started to cry. “What the actual fuck?” I thought to myself in disbelief.

I became aware that my boredom and loneliness resulted in needing a vice before my consciousness could acknowledge my emotions. Feelings of abandonment and sadness surged over me. I felt like such a little bitch because essentially I started crying over carrots, but it was so therapeutic and enlightening.

Just because I have a vice does not mean something is wrong with me, and the same goes for you. Awareness gives you an opportunity to reclaim your power that is always available to you but easily forgotten. Be more aware when you act impulsively or reach for your vice. Pause, reflect, acknowledge, and claim your power.

Ultimately, the goal is being okay being alone with yourself, your thoughts, and your emotions. It’s being there for yourself like you’d be there for a friend, without a vice. So here I am, claiming my power and being constructive about it. But damn, that granola still looks good.

The Stream to Success

photo-1545933165-945eb24d50a4 When we are not getting what we want, sometimes it feels like we are trying to get it by paddling upstream after a downpour. People can be so hyper focused on reaching success, that what they do becomes more important than how they feel. We are conditioned that we must fight tooth and nail, and if we do so relentlessly, our dreams will come true. But at what cost?

If we’re miserable the whole way there, I think it’s safe to say we won’t have very many happy campers with trophies in hand. Rather, we’d have people wishing the trophy was different, bigger, or better. That is because how we feel now is predominantly based on the culmination of what’s already happened, and how we’ve already been feeling. And yes, there is value in the struggle. We learn and grow there. But we can struggle and follow the flow, or struggle in stagnation.

A stream does not stop flowing when a big rock gets stuck to the bottom. The water flows around the rock and continues its journey downstream. Yet, there I was, like Moses, blocking the flow of my stream so I could try to remove the rock I had named “Single as a dollar bill.”

The rock that we think we want to get is better left untouched. Maybe we think we want that rock, but that rock is there to tell us to move forward in another direction, or have a new perspective. Maybe if we kept flowing, that rock would naturally loosen.

This is not to say give up. This is to say let go of the rock. If you flow in other ways, what you want unfolds naturally. When you’re anxious about not getting what you want, rather than trying to rip the rock out of the ground, find a way to flow downstream.