sex – Brooke Lyn Landon

To The Guy Who Called Me A C#nt

photo-1581864353095-ec9ced350147 Everyone at some point has been in a situation that was perceived as hurtful, disrespectful, or aggravating. However, the experiences that seem terrible to others, could be an opportunity to give you one more reason to smile. At least that’s what happened to me.

I had just arrived at my friend’s house for game/movie night and pizza. Shortly after, I received a message from a guy who I will refer to as “irrelevant”. He asked me what I was up to and I told him my plans, to which he said.

“When are the games over?”

“When I feel like going to bed. Haha” I replied.

If that wasn’t enough of a hint that I didn’t plan to meet up with him that night, I don’t know what is, but things escalated quickly from there. He sent me a voice memo about how he’s been “going through some shit” in his personal life lately, and wanted to take out his frustrations on me… sexually. Then, he proceeded to tell me what that would entail.

I had no problem with him saying any of that. If anything, his words made me blush and smile, while simultaneously giving me a mild panic attack that someone may have overheard. It’s what came after I told him that he wouldn’t be seeing me later, that had my friends gagging.

Read for yourself… 96B90F3B-B32D-4976-8A2F-BBCB3970DC7D

I have no intentions on speaking to him again, even though he reached out to apologize the following day. However, my initial reaction after reading his texts, was a grin from ear to ear. Why? Because first of all, who says that? It’s pretty hilarious how stupid he is. More importantly, I’m at a point in life where I so strongly know my worth, that not even for a second did his words make me feel that I was missing out in any way, or was inferior to him or anyone else. The pizza alone will probably give me more of an orgasm than he ever could, so there was 100% nothing lost on my end.

I can’t even fathom what this would have done to me back in college. I probably would have responded to his apology faster than my heart raced when I thought someone overheard irrelevant saying what he wanted to do to me. I imagine receiving those texts back then would have negatively impacted what turned out to be an incredible night.

That situation was validation that my self worth, though not perfect, is stronger and higher than it’s ever been. The way I handled everything showed me that I no longer feed into people or situations that don’t add enough value to my life. It gave me an opportunity to reflect on how far I’ve come. Experiences that can easily be perceived as negative, tend to be the ones that will shed more light on the positive if you know where to put your focus.

So, to the guy who called me a cunt… Looks like you’ll have to go fuck yourself now.

From Ho-ing It Up To Glow Up

photo-1583139937873-dddd56279d3d When I was a kid, I was the “problem child”. My parents had my sister and thought “What a wonderful experience. Let’s have another.” Then they had me and said… “So, what’s the return policy?” After I had my Emo phase. I painted my nails black, and wore only black clothes, with zippers everywhere. I’m pretty sure that’s when saying the word cringe became a thing, and I don’t think that was a coincidence. Then, I had my Californian, yogi, vegan stage, and you know I’m not vegan anymore because otherwise that would have been the first thing I said. Lastly, as of November, I entered a new phase. I fucked everybody. It was my hoe phase.

However, today is the day a new phase begins. I had an epiphany while talking about relationships with my friend this evening. In an instant, I was inspired to change my ho-ish tendencies. Not because I thought what I was doing was wrong or no longer enjoyable, but because I’ve had my fun, and I am ready to have fun in new ways. I’ve had so many great experiences, met incredible people, and shared a lot of special, intimate moments over the past several months. I’ve learned a lot, and even made friends for life. Yes, it is true that changing my ways will mean those types of experiences and connections will occur less, but I’ll tell you what benefits I think will come with this change.

By making this shift, I will have the ability to put more energy and focus on my passions and hobbies. The newfound energy that I put towards projects and people, will allow me to experience new opportunities, ideas, and feelings. It will open me up in ways I wouldn’t have been able to before. The “What did he mean by that?” “If I ignore him long enough, will he get the hint?“ “What kind of psychopath tells me not to get attached, and the same night says he’s “Catching feelings”?” “Jesus Christ, another phone call? Is he going to ask me to come over and wipe his ass next?” “I think I’ve been friend zoned…. If you need me, I’ll be in the kitchen clearing out the fridge with my face.” moments will be much less frequent.

Overall, the good has certainly outweighed the bad. I wouldn’t be surprised if I miss this phase. I’m also concerned doing this could cause feelings of loneliness and have me craving for the kind of attention I’ve been used to getting.

Yet, whether change feels good or bad, it moves us forward. It helps us learn, grow, and create new momentum to help us evolve. Success comes from moving out of comfort zones, regardless of how we feel about it or what happens at first.

I would never want to take back anything that’s happened. The epiphany for change didn’t come about due to a negative experience. I just know it’s time to move on so I can level up and create more for myself. All I can do is move forward with confidence as I begin this new chapter, titled Glow Up Phase. Time to go from hoe to glow.

What’s your next phase?

His Death Taught Me How To Live

A2F3ED6F-6D73-492E-8056-26375809F6A4 It was the Summer of 2011, and I had just turned 20. I totally dated myself, but I was trying to set the mood. My friend was having a big Fourth of July party in Ohio, her hometown. I flew out for the occasion, and to spend the week with her during summer break. I had no idea I’d also be spending the week with someone else who would change the way I lived my life.

My friend invited others over one night to hangout, smoke weed, drink, and do all of the typical college kid shenanigans. One by one, her friends started to arrive. I heard a knock at the door, and that’s where this all began.

He was wearing an eye-catching red shirt, but that’s not what caught my eye. That gorgeous face, beautiful blonde hair, stunning smile, the 6ft something hunk who looked like he just stepped off the runway. That’s what I noticed. He was shy and soft spoken like he didn’t own a mirror.

I don’t even remember our first conversation. Fast forward into the night, and we were sitting alone on the rooftop, stargazing while talking about life. I felt it coming. A peaceful moment of silence as I saw the twinkles of the stars reflect in his hazel green eyes. He leaned in for a kiss. It felt like I just reached the flag pole on an epic level of Super Mario Brothers after trying to win all day. Success.

He lost his virginity to me that night. We laughed, talked, and cuddled until the sun had risen and the birds began to chirp. We spent several more fun filled days together until my time in Ohio was up. This is where it starts to get complicated.

For over a month, we texted everyday. Sometimes FaceTime. At the end of the summer, we made plans for me to fly out one more time to see him before the new school year began. Once I booked the ticket, the talking became less frequent, and I felt us becoming distant. Still, with my head in the clouds, I got on the flight.

It wasn’t the same. Some silences were awkward, and there were feelings of detachment on both ends. Still, we made the best of it.

With school approaching, I went back to pack. We may have had one or two more brief conversations before I found out he blocked me. You read that right. Not ghosted, blocked. I was livid, hurt, and genuinely shocked. Worst of all, that was the Summer “Now You’re Just Somebody That I Used to Know” became a #1 hit, and I wanted to puke every time it came on the radio.

I’m not some crazy psycho bitch. There were genuinely no arguments had, or obvious reasons at the time, as to why he would’ve blocked me with no explanation. My less evolved 20 year old self decided to send him a Facebook message. I spewed all my sadness and anger towards him. Ending with, “Pathetic dude.”

Three years go by with no contact. Three years go by and my friend from Ohio, now living in Manhattan as well, called me one morning while I was in my apartment. She told me he, the guy from my never forgotten Summer romance, was found dead the night before in his NYC apartment just a 15 minute walk away from me. She asked if I could help her clear out his apartment, as she’d been a friend of his and his family all of her life.

I was speechless. I was overcome with feelings of guilt knowing that the last words I said was “Pathetic dude.” I even used to think about reaching out to make amends from time to time before my ego would get in the way. Obviously my time to reach out, ran out. Yes, there are some other relationships in my life that have not ended perfectly, but for the most part, there has been some type of closure and I’ve made peace with it. The way that ended, I hadn’t come to terms with.

His death taught me how to live. It taught me that I should never leave a relationship unsettled. It showed me that I need to make peace with what is, and if I have a hard time doing that, it’s up to me to find a way to solve it. I hope I can inspire, even if it’s just one person, to make peace with the way your relationships have unfolded, or are unfolding, and learn from them. You never know how much time you or someone you know has, so all we can do is learn to make the best of it.

I’m Going To Break His Heart

EDCFF377-F6E2-4085-85FC-4BC533C5734D I’m in a pickle. I have to break someone’s heart and I don’t know how. I don’t want to, but there’s no way to go around it if I want to live my life with honestly and integrity. The last thing I want to do is ignore the guy. Being ghosted by someone you like is such a mind fuck, I might as well tell him the truth.

I’ve known him for several months now, but the last three weeks, we’ve gotten closer… not just emotionally. For anonymity and clarity, we will call him #61. The problem isn’t that I only want to sleep with a guy that I think will lead to marriage. If you’ve read some of my other blog posts, you probably could have figured that one out. The problem is, continuing this path will be me repeating an old toxic pattern that I refuse to relive.

Four years ago, I was in an on again off again “situationship” that lasted 6 months until I ended things for good. We will call him #20. He wanted to be my boyfriend and I was like… Nah, I’ll pass, but I’m down to keep doing what we’re doing. (I used a different choice of words at the time, but you get the idea.) #20 bent over backwards for me, while I took like one of those kids who pours all the fucking candy in their bag on Halloween when the basket on the doorstep says “Take ONE.” He was so much more invested and I knew it. It felt wrong, so I would end it in a “We can still be friends” way. It wouldn’t take long before we Netflix and chilled, and you can fill in the blank. It ended on good terms, but it still resulted in him moving to a different city the following day.

Not every “situationship” is that way. There’s another guy, #57, who does a lot for me too. He also puts his hands around my neck, and I like it if you catch my drift. Yet, there’s a similar investment and understanding. There’s a mutual satisfaction and expectation. For the record, they’re not just numbers, I genuinely like these people. I just think it’s pretty funny.

#61 is so sweet, caring, and sensitive. He wants nothing more than to love and be loved. I want nothing more than that for both of us, but not with each other. He wants to do things for me, hang out with me, and talk to me all the time. However, we are on totally different pages. If I’m being honest, I am also 99.8% sure that if things continue this way, he will soon start annoying me pretty consistently. I will certainly leave that out when I talk to him later this week.

Not only that, but I feel my brain shifting back to my #20 days when I’d wonder if he could do or help me with x, y, or z, anytime I didn’t feel like doing it myself. This week, I’ve needed a lot of help with transportation, technology and more, but I’ve grown, and intentionally outsourced help elsewhere. I grit my teeth as I read his text the other day saying “If there is anything I can do to help lemme know. The pleasure of helping you always feels good.” I then sighed as I looked up at the sky and thought “Bruh, really?”

I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to take advantage of anyone. I don’t want relationships that are imbalanced, or to have guilt or fear of where things will go. I also hate this feeling of secrecy I have from not having told him how I feel. Is this what a day in the life of Elsa was like before her sister knew her powers?

I want to have people in my life that enhance my wellbeing and vice versa. I want to feel wanted, but want to want them back just the same. I want an equal investment of energy, and I can’t give him that which he deserves just as much.

I know ending things will not be easy. He’s so sensitive, and I know how hurt he will be. Yet, I’m not going to consciously waste my life repeating patterns that don’t serve anyone. I will be honest, empathetic, and do what I can to have him understand and accept the outcome. I would never want to leave him guessing what went wrong, and have him blame himself. Sometimes being honest feels wrong, but it’s always right.

From Ghosting to Haunting me

32382F31-C93F-407B-BFA1-D143505AA95F You know what sucks? Sleeping with someone on the first date because you’re hoping the dick will make up for their personality, and then you realize it’s worse. The worst part is when you hug goodbye, and they say “See you later!” Really?? I seriously hope not. I don’t want him to get Coronavirus and die or anything, but please don’t try to talk to me again. Thankfully, that hasn’t happened much, but it’s certainly occurred. However, I will tell you a story even worse than that.

I went on a date, and right off the bat, we were clearly not compatible. It was like a guy from Tiger King trying to hold a conversation with someone who has common sense. He wanted to turn almost everything into a debate, and he was kind of a dick. Turns out, I like dicks though. So, after a few hours and drinks, we go back to his place because he was a douchebag and I have daddy issues.

He invited me to spend the night, and said it was the first time he let a girl sleep over his place. I took it as a compliment, assuming he was a heterosexual male and wasn’t having guys over like a gay Hugh Hefner. The next morning, I hugged him goodbye and said, “See you later!” because the dick was indeed significantly better than his personality. I looked at his face and I was all too familiar with his expression. I knew what he was thinking…. Really?? I don’t want her to get coronavirus and die or anything, but … Needless to say, he pretty much ghosted me, and I was slightly salty about it.

I remember during my stumble of pride home, (I prefer to say that instead of walk of shame.) I thought about how awesome his apartment was. The view was beautiful, perfect location, and great interior. My internal dialogue went something like “Damn, I wish I lived there. Well, who knows, I’m sure there’s a place I can move into when my lease is up that I like just as much, and maybe cheaper.”

When time came for me to move, I posted on a Hanoi housing Facebook group, and instantly was contacted by a woman who I made plans to meet for a showing the following day. She gave me the directions and it seemed almost as familiar as that guys expression after I said “See you later!” I will call that guy Daddy Alex for anonymity which isn’t too far off from what his name is in my WhatsApp contact list.

You know what apartment I just moved into? You guessed it. Not only am I in the same building, but I’m in his old apartment. So, he may have seemed good for nothing, but at least he let me give my apartment a test ride. (PS I got a discounted rate due to the pandemic and the Jew in me is thrilled.)

Here’s the catch. Come to find out, he moved right next door so he could have an apartment with a porch. Daddy Alex went from ghosting me to haunting me. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me that he hasn’t tried to make a move. Especially considering he’s still single and has brought a girl back to his place before. Can’t really complain when I get more ass than him though. I could easily have been in his room tonight. It also bothers me to admit I’d give him a 5 star rating for his cuddling abilities alone. I would never tell him that because his ego seems bigger than the food baby I get after I go to a vegan buffet.

He’s initiated conversations a few times since I moved in a month ago. I dropped some subtle hints that I’m here for a good time, not a long time, but still nothing. I wish there was a way he could know that I’m not looking to go on long walks on the beach, just a night in his sheets… Or two or three.

As much as my ego and other parts of me want that, this very well could be for the best. Although you never know what could happen, I can see that scenario easily not ending well. If I can manifest that apartment for a better deal, I can find me a man that’s a better fit.

My Quarantine Fling

97A43137-7FF7-4CD2-9118-1B04ABDC7FC5 Desperate times call for desperate measures. I had been so occupied over the last few weeks, that I hadn’t thought to open a dating app. Fast forward two days into quarantine, and it didn’t take long for that to change. I was on the lookout for another decent human being to talk about this crazy thing called life, and possibly talk about it in person when this whole fiasco was over.

I saw Tinders flame icon light up, and I knew a message was waiting for me to heavily judge. “Heyy! What’s up? Xx”

Not very original, but brownie points for initiating and closing with “Xx” (Foreigners love ending messages like that, and I’m not complaining.) It didn’t hurt that he was good looking and likely had a South African accent based off of my superb detective skills. Okay, maybe the fact that he had an emoji of the South African flag in his bio helped. Overall, I gave him an 7.8 out of 10 on first impressions. The fact that he was 6 years younger did not affect the score.

I replied with a cute animal GIF saying hi, followed by “Living that quarantine life. How about yourself?”

I was being a little extra considering it was only day two of quarantine. Little did he know I was lounging on my couch half naked all day, having the time of my life.

“Me too literally” he said.

By literally, he meant literally. The day he had his flight to come back to Vietnam from Thailand, was the day that every single passenger entering the country had to go straight into a quarantine camp for 14 days. He had 5 more days left until he’d be free.

We talked all day, and by night we moved over to WhatsApp. For those who don’t know, once you move a conversation to WhatsApp, it means this will probably lead to getting laid. But how to meet up during a lockdown? Well, if I’m going to risk not social distancing with someone, you best believe it’s with a guy who’s coming directly from a quarantine camp, to my apartment. So after 5 more days of messaging, that’s what happened.

Once we finally met, he gave me a hug, and I tried to pretend I wasn’t only thinking about how I wished he put hand sanitizer on before he touched me. We had a great time that night, and shared a lot of stories and laughs. The only awkward part was when I forgot I had made plans to FaceTime my dad, and the phone started to ring. He hid outside as I hobbled around to find clothes like Gollum from Lord Of The Rings had one too many drinks the night before.

He went back home the following day. The quarantine camp is not far from me, but where he lives is. I wouldn’t blame him or be surprised if this just stayed a quarantine fling. I thoroughly enjoyed our time together, but I’m not driving 45 minutes to see his ass, so why should I expect the same from him? (He did have a cute ass though.)

Overall, I rate the experience higher than a 7.8. I must say that from living in isolation for the past week, I had forgotten how great face to face human interaction would be during a time like this. It was just what the doctor ordered. In actuality, quite the contrary, but that’s what it felt like. Now back to my regular quarantine life of embroidery and half assed workouts.

Being Single and Happy to Mingle

9E56A23E-C4A6-4867-93FC-2ADDAE0033C8 I’m going to be honest. I was that bitch that would say to myself “I’m an independent woman!” Yet, deep down, I was screaming “Somebody love me!” I bet I was oozing desperation without even realizing it. Probably like a hybrid of someone from Love Island and a chick from The Bachelor who’s biological clock was ticking.

I considered myself to be a confident person, but the fact that I wasn’t able to find that love people talk about in fairy tales would sometimes keep me up at night. I would wonder how someone could be so fucking awesome, and make so many great connections with guys, but still nothing would reach my expectations.

Only recently have I genuinely been at peace with never having found that love I so desperately was searching for. I’m beyond content with the connections I’m making, without having a desire turn my dates into interviews, to see if they have what it takes to wife me up. I’m living my best life, and used to think the only way that could happen is if that special someone was there to share my life with me. To be honest, it’s kind of nice to be able to meet up with a guy for 12-24 hours, and then send them away. It’s like looking after someone’s dog for the day, loving every minute of it, knowing you don’t have to pick up their shit at 6AM the next morning.

After some introspection, I’ve discovered some possible reasons as to why I’ve had some shifts in my perspective in regards to being single. The more I validate and acknowledge my worth, the less validation I need from others. I’m a lovable person, and just because I haven’t found that special someone to love me doesn’t make me less lovable or worthy of love. The older I get, the less shits I give about absolutely everything. Don’t like me? Tragic on your end. You don’t know a good thing when you see it. I’m more authentic when I communicate with people and I’m not as concerned about rejection or what they’ll think of me.

I’m also exploring my sensuality more than ever, and giving a safe space for others to do the same. 92.7% of the dudes I’m meeting, I genuinely connect with, and like spending time together. We have a fucking blast. Literally and figuratively. Sorry, I couldn’t resist that joke.

It’s like another part of my mind has opened up to see that there is a way to create a life of happiness with the same environment and relationship status that once didn’t satisfy me. When you see the good, more good keeps coming.

I’m no longer looking for love because I am love. Sure, I’d love to be in a relationship, but it will find me when the time is right. As for now, I need to get ready for a date with a hot Italian guy. Until next time.

I’m Such a Fucking Hoe, I Love it

Let me get straight into it. I’m such a fucking hoe, I love it. Now, I’m saying that partly because it’s based off of a song, and it’s a banger after a couple drinks. I’m also saying that because it’s kind of true.

Let me clarify. I’m not hooking up with a new boy toy every day. I still have standards. Plus, I’m not about to chase people down. I’m not desperate. That said, if the opportunity arises, yolo!

Yeah, I’d like a relationship, but I’m not going to sit here twiddling my thumbs with cobwebs between my legs waiting until it happens. I’m going to live my best life, and see what’s out there in the meantime.

I feel like this topic is so taboo. Exploring your sensuality has been made out to seem like you’re the next Charlie Sheen. Really, it’s a way to grow and learn more about yourself when done for the sake of exploration and enjoyment, and not just for a release or to fill a void.

It’s not always enjoyable. Last month, bless his heart, I was with a guy who was as vanilla as vanilla extract. Another time, someone talked a big game. Then, it was so underwhelming, the game he talked about ended up being more like elementary school baseball.

However, I’ve also been pleasantly surprised. Not just physically, but mentally as well. I’ve learned more about what I’d like in a future partner, and shared great memories. I wouldn’t be surprised if one of those guys is reading this now.

Side note: Though there’s no shame in being hoeish, I still feel the need to clarify that I’m not quite as hoeish as I’m making myself out to be right now. I think “free spirited” and “open minded” is a more accurate description. However, I’m such a fucking hoe, I love it, has a ring to it, and it’s not wrong. Anyways, let’s get back to it.

Regardless of whether you walk away with a glow and pep in your step, or an eye roll and a shrug, you’re always learning more about what you want and what you don’t want. Not just sexually, but also what you want in a person, partner, and yourself. Don’t be afraid to explore your sensuality. If you’re not into that, and want to wait for your future partner, that’s cool too. If you want to be a fucking hoe, I love it.

PS BE SAFE!