selfcare – Brooke Lyn Landon

Changing My Life, Again

It feels like every planet imaginable is in retrograde, and I broke a mirror while walking under a ladder with a black cat in front of me. The apartment of my dreams slipped through my fingers, and I don’t know where I’m going to live in a week. While the prices of living in LA constantly make me feel like I need to get a “real” job or sugar daddy ASAP, the stubborn free spirit within screams, “ I LIKE FREEDOM AND BABY FACES!”

As some of you may recall, about six weeks ago I said I was going to change my life. Through meditation, affirmations and self discipline, I was determined to improve myself and my life. Well, so much for that. To be fair, I had many triumphs during that time, especially with insights on my relationships and setting boundaries. However, this last week shit hit the fan and it’s time for changing my life take 2…. Or take 973,694,761.

So, what went wrong? Nothing. Everything is as it should be. Yet, it feels like absolute SHIT. Why? Maybe because comedians love to suffer on the DL? idk. In all seriousness, I feel like a big part of my work in this lifetime is self mastery. The ADHD, depression, anxiety, addictions, and plethora of other goodies my hand was dealt in this lifetime, is really a royal flush.

It’s like getting socks for Christmas from Santa. When you’re a kid you’re like “God damnit why the fuck did Santa go to Costco for these off white socks when I asked for a slutty Bratz Doll??” Then, years later, you get socks and smile while the Bratz doll would have gotten a buzz cut and thrown in the trash years ago.

This is my path, and my sensitive bitch ass will find my success no matter how many takes I need. I will find my success because of these challenges I move though. They are not here to try to stop me, but to heal me. These obstacles are opportunities for the self mastery I was designed to experience and transcend. Take 2 (or 973,694,761) starts now.

My Biggest Investment

For those of you who have been following my journey, you already know my life has kind of been like that meme of baby Yoda all teary-eyed, with the caption “When you think you’ve healed that part of you, but the world throws you a curve ball.” but then, like a fucking beast, I somehow manage to wipe the tears, put on a smile, and get better at catching the ball next time. Well, life just threw me a massive curveball. It scared the shit out of me, but here’s how I’m going to catch it.

I’ve been saving nearly half of my pay check every month for a rainy day. Then it rains, and instead of buying a new umbrella, I’ve been taking out my broken one, patched up with duck tape, leaking from every side. Obviously, that’s a metaphor, although my grandfather legitimately used to duck-tape the holes on his umbrella.

Well, no more of that. I’m investing quite a bit of money, and it’s going towards the most important thing in anyones life. Themselves. I’m hiring a personal boxing coach, a business coach, new decor and plants for my home, art supplies, not holding back as much when I go out to eat or shop with friends, weekend getaway trips, and the list goes on. Mind you, I have been working hard to have the means to do this. I’m not telling you to brake the bank and test your luck in Vegas.

In short, you can’t pour from an empty cup, and sometimes the best way to fill it is to go and buy some water (Or champagne, whatever floats your boat) instead of walking miles to a dirty well. Investing in yourself doesn’t have to be lavish or expensive, but it does have to be done if you want to make the best of the life you’re living. Other ways you could invest in yourself is taking a nice relaxing bubble bath or painting your toe nails. I say that mainly because it’s on the forefront of my mind because I’m still sweaty from the gym and I so desperately need a pedicure right now.

Nothing in your life will come easily if you yourself are not at ease. Our lives are an external reflection of our internal world, so what’s even more important than buying all of these things is getting your mind ready for them. How are you going to invest in yourself?

From Suicidal to Success

This topic is heavy, but I know you’ve all got some muscles and can pick up what I’m about to put down. Depression and suicide is no joke, but it’s in my blood to shed light on hardships and not take anything too seriously. Without further ado, here’s life from suicidal to superb.

I remember lying on my stomach, over my floral bedding, while googling “How to tie a noose.” The flowers on my blanket looked like a watercolor painting from my tears. In other words, I was depressed as shit, and wanted to put an end to all of the suffering if that was not clear enough. That was me at 16 years old.

In between then and now, there were plenty highs and lows. When diagnosed with a-typical depression at a young age, something as small as dropping a pencil could send me on a downward spiral. Needless to say, if something not so pleasant actually happened, my lows were lower than the pants of a rapper in the early 2000s. That said, my highs felt that much sweeter because that meant I came so far. Now, not only am I at a high, but because of how I’ve gotten here over the years, my lows will never be as bad.

No matter where we are, life is ever changing. When someone is at a low, don’t forget that it’s an opportunity for healing and ascension, and there’s light at the end of every tunnel. Okay, maybe not literally if there’s a tunnel with an actual dead end, but you get the point. Life doesn’t have dead ends though, just detours. But those detours help us become who we are because of how we walk through that path.

Back in 2016, I crashed my car in Santa Barbara, California, while on my way up the coast. It wasn’t a “Whoopsy, my bad” type of crash. It was more like a frame from a zombie apocalypse movie, when everyone’s trying to flee from those freaky dudes, and shit goes haywire. It looked like the manifestation of my internal thoughts. My mind was a total shit show, and now so was my car. I was so uncertain of my life and future. I was full of confusion and anxiety, which was also the catalyst of a serious relapse at the time to top it all off.

Two weeks later, I was sitting on a bench in the backyard of my uncle’s acquaintances house, who so graciously took me in for a few weeks as my car got fixed. I starred off into her garden and had a moment of clarity. I saw how I let my circumstances continue to affect my mindset, and it was up to me to change this downward spiral. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel and chose to walk towards the light with diligence.

My mantra became “Everything is always working out for me.” Reframe from categorizing that as some new aged, airy fairy bull. I repeated that mantra every time I caught myself thinking negatively. I believed there was something in all of my perceived chaos that was helping me in some way. A few weeks later, everything fell into place like magic, and I found peace.

Our circumstances and hardships do not define us. It’s our resilience and ability to let life take us to the light at the end of the tunnel that builds us. Don’t give thanks to those hardships because they don’t deserve our attention. We deserve to thank ourselves for moving beyond them.

That bedding adorned with my 16 year old tears no longer lies beneath me. Now, I’m on my stomach over the fresh linens of a bed in a 4 star hotel, traveling the world. Will I be on a high forever? Absolutely not. Do I now always see the light and walk towards it with faith in my ability to become better from a detour? Fuck yes.

What my Tears are Telling me

A1678493-DAF1-4FF4-92BC-8ADE68B23172 I cried twice this month in the course of 9 days. prior to those episodes, it had been months since I shed a tear. Not if you’re counting things like emotional animal rescue video clips I ignorantly click on my Facebook newsfeed. And no, my breakdowns were not because I was pmsing and they didn’t have any chocolate I liked at a nearby convenient store or some shit. It’s a multitude of things, but when I break it down, it becomes more clear.

You see, I’ve been high on life for so long. Living it up, staying up late, eating shitty but delicious food, and drinking. “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” has been my motto these days, and I’m constantly around and entertaining others without giving myself time to recharge. It’s like forgetting to charge my phone, and then getting frustrated at my phone for not letting me check if my bumble match responded when it runs out of battery. I have to take responsibility for the consequences of my actions while simultaneously acknowledging the signs these struggles are teaching me. It’s more than partying too hard and living my best life. It’s my body and mind sending me signals that I need to tend to myself. Change needs to happen.

As I’ve said before, chaos is creation, and there is nothing but beauty in these breakdowns because I know they’re happening for me, not to me. More sleep and more me time is essential right now. The struggle is real now that my internal clock has been completely fucked from this new life, but I’m working on it.

When there’s an ebb in the flow of life, it’s also important to express yourself. To say I’ve been bottling my feelings up like a beer can tossed around by a frat boy would be an understatement. I have some of the best friends one could ask for, but I am not one to talk to them often when I’m far away. Partially I don’t reach out because that entails filling them in on my life. way too fucking much has happened for me to succinctly go through all my crazy adventures, hookups, and questionable life choices. I wouldn’t dare tell my mom when I feel like this. If I coughed or sneezed on the phone, she would probably assume I had dangue fever with a 10% chance of survival, so I don’t want to give her heart palpitations by telling her my mental state has seen better days. The people here listen to enough of my shit, so I don’t want to blab more about how exhausted I am. To be honest, it’s almost like I forgot how to ask or get support. I wasn’t expressing what I needed to in order to feel heard, understood, or supported. So instead, that left me feeling alone, even in a room full of people.

This post isn’t being written so you will reach out saying some “You can always talk to me” etc. etc. That’s nice and all, but it’s more being written as my outlet to get what’s inside of me out. It’s letting the world know it’s okay to not be okay because that’s creation. It’s a reminder to us all that it’s beautiful to have a body that can tell us it’s time for a shift.

Now it’s time to ask how I can sustain this fun and exciting life in a more realistic, healthy way. What practices and self care do I need to implement to have my ebbs turn to flows before the waterworks begin. I’ve done the work to get my answers and am getting my flow back. Now all I need is some melatonin.

My Shitty Day in Laos

I’m on day two of my boat trip to Luang Prabang, Laos, sitting on a two seater bench as stable as my friends last relationship. Of course, I’m next to an Italian man who’s hand gestures alone make me feel like I’m on a rocking horse. It’s a beautiful boat ride full of scenery that pictures could not do justice, yet here I am, after a silent meditation retreat nonetheless, being a little bitch about nearly everything. Heck, a little boy accidentally brushed up against me while I was trying to meditate and I sent him a death glare that would have made a bro from the Jersey Shore feel like he was going to Hell.

I could come up with a hundred contributions to my state of mind. 3 hours of sleep probably being the main source of my misery because everything was peachy on yesterday’s boat ride, but that’s besides the point. The point is even if nothing is your fault, whatever happens to you becomes entirely your responsibility. With whatever happens comes an unavoidable choice and responsibility you have to take on.

I can choose to continue to feel like shit, and that would be okay. Sometimes life’s shit and we just have to wait until the storm washes it away. That said, we also have the choice to open an umbrella and walk away from all the shit.

However, there’s a common misconception and belief that has been adopted by many, even me for some time. That it’s better to think only fluffy, sparkly, happy thoughts to feel better rather than being reflective. One is moving around the issue, and the latter is moving through it. One is repressive and one is expansive. There is no wrong choice, only a different result.

What did I want to do this morning when I looked in the mirror and instantly noticed the toll all of the fried rice and kao soi had taken? Think about how beautiful my curves are, how I’d want to be with someone who loves me for me anyways, and blah blah blah. Look, that’s great, and I certainly told myself those things, but not at first.

Why is my first reaction negative when I look in the mirror? Why am I putting so much importance on this temporary state of appearance? What belief is keeping this thought active? How is this serving me? From questions like these, I can choose how I will move forward with more clarity and awareness. By that point it becomes easier to see it’s all a bunch of bullshit anyways.

If I’m being honest, I feel better, but still shitty. I just want to sleep and press restart, but I asked myself questions so that I can take a step back from my thoughts and not be so identified with them. I’m no longer a victim. After a solid nap I bet I’ll be feeling like the cheery Italian man who’s oblivious to the distress he caused me.

From Ogre to Goddess

girl-2793938_1280 I made an oopsie. I was browsing through my pictures just a moment ago, and I came across an old “progress” photo of myself. What happened next was not an excellent choice to say the least. I clicked on that photo to take a closer look, knowing very well it would end up with me feeling as though I was that chick in the movie Shriek, when she went from a beautiful feminine looking goddess, to a large mucus green ogre.

“How was that only two years ago?! I was lookin’ so fine, and now I have enough rolls on me to feed a mormon family! Wtf happened!?” I thought to myself as I meticulously examined the photograph.

Once the initial after shock settled in, I took a moment to remember that time of my life. Even then, I wasn’t thin enough, or fit enough, to be content. In fact, the only time I ever had been happy with my body was the week prior to going into an eating disorder treatment center, and was depressed then because I knew I’d never be able to be that thin again after I left rehab.

Essentially, I’ve lived almost my entire life not being truly satisfied with my appearance. Yet, looking back, I wish I was that miserable person in the photograph. Unless we learn self love and acceptance exactly how we are and where we are, these negative thoughts and opinions will be perpetual. We will always be chasing an unrealistic ideal of ourselves and our lives because thinking we’re not good enough in any way now, will only lead to more of those thoughts in the future.

It is my ultimate goal to love myself unconditionally like the goddess I am. Regardless of what I do, say, act like, look like, what I’m doing, where I am, I will learn to love every aspect of who I am because deep down, I know I’m worthy of it all, and so are you.

Frugal As Fuck

Frugal as fuck. That’s me in a nut shell. Not a pistachio nut shell because they are too damn expensive.

I wasn’t always this way. I’d like to say my spending habits have changed because I’ve grown up, or that maybe the Jew in me is coming out, but I don’t believe that’s the case. I believe it’s fear based. Fear of needing to make sure there will be enough for a rainy day when I know damn well it barely rains in Santa Barbara. I needn’t worry, yet I will do just about anything to save a dollar. I’ve become so frugal, that treating myself to anything that involves a monetary exchange causes more resistance than rowing up a stream, using a dollar bill as an oar.

I once attended some business guru’s seminar. She said something that really stuck with me. “You either say no for two reasons. You either don’t value the product or service, or you don’t value yourself enough to say yes.” When those words went into the microphone and echoed out into the room, my face resembled that of me as a child when I got caught using a butterfly net to scoop out shit in the toilet. Busted. I don’t value myself enough to say yes. That being said, I’ve certainly been improving and working on valuing and treating myself more (mostly in ways that don’t require a payment). When you boil it down, it’s all about self worth.

“Grow your self worth to grow your net worth “ #truth #preach is another valuable piece of advice I’ve learnt. Yes, I learnt it, but have I been implementing and embodying a woman with the self worth of a goddess? Ehh debatable. I’d certainly like to think so. My therapist would tell me otherwise. However, I’ve made leaps and bounds over the past few years, and I’m seeing results. Slowly but surely, It’s only a matter of time before I’m a baller who treats myself like the goddess I truly am. money-2740408_1280