Making Peace With My Enemy

I’m making peace with my enemy. I’m not talking about my friends on again off again boyfriend who I loathe more than pretty much any other human I’ve ever met. Although, bless his fucked up heart, I wish him the best. The enemy I’m learning to make peace with is the one that keeps me from having peace of mind. The one that keeps me up at night. The one that prevents me from consistently living the life I know I’m capable of. A life of unwavering acceptance and flow. I’m learning to make peace with myself. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, I know I’m freakin’ fabulous. This is not to say I’m not good enough, or deserving or blah blah blah. Yet, there’s a little voice in my head that sometimes whispers “Hey hoe. You should probably start worrying about how you don’t know what country you’ll be living in in 6 months time and what are you going to do with all of your shit? P.S. that dude that you’ve been crushing on these past several months… He’s not that into you. While you think about that, I’ll be creating more content so you can stay up with me for the next 5 hours. Tootaloo!”

Not the ideal companion to have living inside my brain, but it’s what I’ve got, and the only way to make peace with it is to become greater than my mind. I’m going to be so annoyingly conscious, that whenever that voice in my head starts to bitch, I can be like “Yo Karen, the manager (aka me) couldn’t give less fucks, so just relax.” Then, without judgement or criticism (to the best of my ability) move forward. 

I said that the enemy that I’m making peace with is myself, but my mind isn’t who I am, it’s who I’ve created. So, I need to make peace with myself for having created that, and focus on being greater than my mind so that I can start consciously creating a new and improved internal dialogue. That dialogue is, and will forever be, more influential than anything or anyone else ever will be.

Our thoughts become your personality, and I’d be lying if my fabulousness didn’t come with a side of stress and anxiety these days. This is a never ending journey, but if you don’t start walking down this path of consciousness and personal development, you’ll likely be stuck with a Karen in your head and Xanax on your bedside table.

Some, if not most people don’t even realize that they’ve created this toxic internal dialogue, and identify with it so much that it becomes them. Freeing ourselves and making peace with that part of us is not an easy road, but if you keep going, it will be the most rewarding path you could take.

I Am Not Alright

I am not alright. As I’ve mentioned in a previous blog, I’ve been having severe sleep issues for months. To put things in perspective, when I went to the sleep lab to get tested overnight, during my 4.5 hours of sleep, I had 7 sleep apnea episodes and woke up a whopping 25 times. Imagine that. Actually don’t because it sucks, I know first hand. 

The best they could diagnose me with was sleep architecture disorder which I’m convinced they made up. They probably saw me and figure I looked like an architecture with disorders and called it a day. I’m pretty fucked up right now though, so they’re half right. 

Fucked up how, I’ll explain. I’ve been managing this lack of sleep like a tank for so long. By that I mean I’ve been juggling my 4 jobs, social life, and passion projects miraculously well. I had myself convinced I could keep going, but at what cost and until when? 

Well, I found out 4 days ago that my limit had been reached. It was pretty clear due to my historical crying and dwindling will to live. Sounds pretty extra but if you went months without sleeping well, you’d want to hit the restart button at some point too. 

I say I’m not alright, but I will be. My sleep will improve. In fact, because of this, I’ll be better than before. That’s how hard times and struggles work if you adapt and make the best of it. When something knocks you off course, the only way to get back on track is to focus more diligently than before. Now, I have more determination and eagerness to thrive, and drive to do what it takes to do so. I have to conjure faith and confidence in myself that I will be able to be better and do better than ever, and I will. I know this because that’s the attitude you need to create a life worth living and I’m not letting mine go to waste. 

Faith, focus, and fun…. and a bomb sleep routine. That is what I need to create now to ensure I make the most of this blessing in disguise. Sounds like a sign you’d see hanging on the bedroom wall, of a girl named Becky, who goes to Starbucks so much that they make her a pumpkin spice latte as soon as she comes through the door. Regardless, next time you’re in a rut, remember when you have faith in yourself, focus on the life you’re excited to create, and make having more fun and enough sleep a priority, in time, the results will be fucking fabulous. Just watch. 

To The Guy Who Called Me A C#nt

photo-1581864353095-ec9ced350147Everyone at some point has been in a situation that was perceived as hurtful, disrespectful, or aggravating. However, the experiences that seem terrible to others, could be an opportunity to give you one more reason to smile. At least that’s what happened to me.

I had just arrived at my friend’s house for game/movie night and pizza. Shortly after, I received a message from a guy who I will refer to as “irrelevant”. He asked me what I was up to and I told him my plans, to which he said. 

“When are the games over?”

“When I feel like going to bed. Haha” I replied. 

If that wasn’t enough of a hint that I didn’t plan to meet up with him that night, I don’t know what is, but things escalated quickly from there. He sent me a voice memo about how he’s been “going through some shit” in his personal life lately, and wanted to take out his frustrations on me… sexually. Then, he proceeded to tell me what that would entail.

I had no problem with him saying any of that. If anything, his words made me blush and smile, while simultaneously giving me a mild panic attack that someone may have overheard. It’s what came after I told him that he wouldn’t be seeing me later, that had my friends gagging. 

Read for yourself…96B90F3B-B32D-4976-8A2F-BBCB3970DC7D

I have no intentions on speaking to him again, even though he reached out to apologize the following day. However, my initial reaction after reading his texts, was a grin from ear to ear. Why? Because first of all, who says that? It’s pretty hilarious how stupid he is. More importantly, I’m at a point in life where I so strongly know my worth, that not even for a second did his words make me feel that I was missing out in any way, or was inferior to him or anyone else. The pizza alone will probably give me more of an orgasm than he ever could, so there was 100% nothing lost on my end.

I can’t even fathom what this would have done to me back in college. I probably would have responded to his apology faster than my heart raced when I thought someone overheard irrelevant saying what he wanted to do to me. I imagine receiving those texts back then would have negatively impacted what turned out to be an incredible night.

That situation was validation that my self worth, though not perfect, is stronger and higher than it’s ever been. The way I handled everything showed me that I no longer feed into people or situations that don’t add enough value to my life. It gave me an opportunity to reflect on how far I’ve come. Experiences that can easily be perceived as negative, tend to be the ones that will shed more light on the positive if you know where to put your focus. 

So, to the guy who called me a cunt… Looks like you’ll have to go fuck yourself now.

Passing My Prime

photo-1522263842439-347f062b8475Have you ever had a moment where you’ve felt you passed your prime? Maybe you wanted to run that marathon, but ever since you’ve reached your late 20’s, each day your body has increasingly resembled Benjamin Button at birth. Or, perhaps you’ve been fearful about the day those hot college kids next door would no longer see you as desirable? Asking for a friend… Well, I had my moment yesterday.

I was probably shoveling something in my mouth I’d regret later, as I finished up Sunday dinner with my friends. Prior to cleaning the leftovers off the table with my face, I talked about my passions for writing, and standup comedy. “Why don’t you try TikTok?” my friend said. I glared through his lenses, into his eyes, like he was about to take the last pastry on the table. Me? Nearly 29-year-old me, downloading an app saturated with girls so tiny, it looks like I just ate them for dinner? Watching my video after theirs would be like a “Then and now” clip of Macauley Culkin.

Thanks, but I’ll pass, was my initial thought. Why? Because my thoughts were telling me I’m too old for that. I’ve passed my prime and I should consider picking up embroidery and invest in a nice rocking chair. It’s just some teenybopper trend and I have better ways to spend my time. Maybe I will adopt a bunch of cats or learn to bake banana bread instead. 

I caught myself in the act of self destruction disguised as protection. Who says I’ve passed my prime? Who says TikTok couldn’t be an avenue for me to express my creativity and learn new skills? No, I’m not talking about dance skills. I will continue to leave that for the teenyboppers. 

Truth is, I haven’t passed my prime. I might have to come to terms with my metabolism working against me at this point, but on every other level, mental, spiritual, etc., I’ve never been stronger. Every day I am more prepared for the next. Every month I learn new things. Every year I become better and wiser. 

The best has yet to come. It’s a mindset more than anything. The future is uncertain, but malleable. You can choose if your life becomes a five star romantic comedy, or a box office bomb. I almost want to cringe because I might as well be holding a sign that says “Live, Laugh, Love” with a Starbucks Frappuccino in the other hand, but I’m not wrong. 

My dad is nearly 70 and has never been more successful in his career. He’s one of the happiest guys I know. His motto? “I’m excellent and better all the time.” Speaking of cringy… But hey, whatever works! My friend’s dad is nearly a decade younger, and has created a permanent indentation in the couch while he counts down the minutes until he can retire from the job he hates. His motto is probably “You smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.” Pretty sure he thinks he passed his prime in High school. 

The moral of this post is that wherever you are, you haven’t past your prime. You are at your prime because you’ve never known more than you do in this moment. Don’t waste your prime telling yourself that where you are isn’t good enough, or can’t take you to where you want to go. Time will continue to “tik” until it’s out, so remember you’re in your prime and make the most of it. Give this a like if you’re at your prime too! 

If you haven’t guessed, I made a TikTok account, so make me happy and add @brookelynlandon 

From Ho-ing It Up To Glow Up

photo-1583139937873-dddd56279d3dWhen I was a kid, I was the “problem child”. My parents had my sister and thought “What a wonderful experience. Let’s have another.” Then they had me and said… “So, what’s the return policy?” After I had my Emo phase. I painted my nails black, and wore only black clothes, with zippers everywhere. I’m pretty sure that’s when saying the word cringe became a thing, and I don’t think that was a coincidence. Then, I had my Californian, yogi, vegan stage, and you know I’m not vegan anymore because otherwise that would have been the first thing I said. Lastly, as of November, I entered a new phase. I fucked everybody. It was my hoe phase.

However, today is the day a new phase begins. I had an epiphany while talking about relationships with my friend this evening. In an instant, I was inspired to change my ho-ish tendencies. Not because I thought what I was doing was wrong or no longer enjoyable, but because I’ve had my fun, and I am ready to have fun in new ways. I’ve had so many great experiences, met incredible people, and shared a lot of special, intimate moments over the past several months. I’ve learned a lot, and even made friends for life. Yes, it is true that changing my ways will mean those types of experiences and connections will occur less, but I’ll tell you what benefits I think will come with this change. 

By making this shift, I will have the ability to put more energy and focus on my passions and hobbies. The newfound energy that I put towards projects and people, will allow me to experience new opportunities, ideas, and feelings. It will open me up in ways I wouldn’t have been able to before. The “What did he mean by that?” “If I ignore him long enough, will he get the hint?“ “What kind of psychopath tells me not to get attached, and the same night says he’s “Catching feelings”?” “Jesus Christ, another phone call? Is he going to ask me to come over and wipe his ass next?” “I think I’ve been friend zoned…. If you need me, I’ll be in the kitchen clearing out the fridge with my face.” moments will be much less frequent.

Overall, the good has certainly outweighed the bad. I wouldn’t be surprised if I miss this phase. I’m also concerned doing this could cause feelings of loneliness and have me craving for the kind of attention I’ve been used to getting.

Yet, whether change feels good or bad, it moves us forward. It helps us learn, grow, and create new momentum to help us evolve. Success comes from moving out of comfort zones, regardless of how we feel about it or what happens at first.

I would never want to take back anything that’s happened. The epiphany for change didn’t come about due to a negative experience. I just know it’s time to move on so I can level up and create more for myself. All I can do is move forward with confidence as I begin this new chapter, titled Glow Up Phase. Time to go from hoe to glow.

What’s your next phase?  

I’m On The Edge

BE8FEB76-F0F0-42CF-9541-A5147609D8B0My bare toes grip the ledge of a rocky cliff, on the top of a precipice that goes beyond the clouds. I stare before me at what looks like death, but it’s where life really begins. The edge of comfort.
For the record, that’s where it feels like I am. If you thought I was legitimately staring at death and decided to whip out a notepad to write about it, you probably have been in quarantine so long that you’re seeing out of your left ear. The edge I’m on is one of new epiphanies, opportunities, and transformation. The world is my oyster, and while the possibilities are endless and exciting, the uncertainty of it all creates a pressure to overcome.
With everything going on in the world today, I think it’s safe to say we are we all on the edge. The main difference is how we choose to view it. I’m not here preaching as though I’m levitating on the edge like some chosen one who spent years meditating in the Himalayan mountains. I will say though, that I’ve been on the edge of comfort so many times that I’ve noticed the fear decreases more each time. Fear turns to trust, hope, and excitement. You discover ways to think and cope to help you sail through rough waters with more ease. There is the occasional phone call to my dad freaking out about life, but I have to let it out somewhere, right?
The world collectively is going through a challenging shift, but this is an incredible opportunity the embrace the edge you’re on personally, and trust that your life has an inexplicable way of working itself out. Although it’s more difficult for someone who has a mental illness than a trust fund baby who doesn’t have access to the media, these situations give us all a chance to grow in some way. It could be as simple as finding a podcast that inspires and motivates you.
Success does not mean finding a cure for Coronavirus. Success is improvement on the edge, and you get to decide what that looks like for you. How will you embrace the edge?

Is It Bad That I Don’t Feel Bad?

D53AAA57-6B3C-4B89-B3CF-1C6FA799F7A8I don’t experience much drama in my life. I find a lot of joy in taking the high road and avoiding it. Not in the “I’ve done too much spiritual healing to lower my vibration to that level of douchery.” Kind of way. Though that may be true. It’s more like I’m too old for this shit and I really don’t give enough fucks. However, someone gave me one too many lemons recently, and I felt inspired to make some super sour, tasty, lemonade. Is it bad that I don’t feel bad?

Last week, I posted a rather controversial blog post. Basically, I put someone on blast in a rather savage way, and his friends were not pleased to say the least. It had nothing to do with them, but they were personally offended and hurt that I would call him out so publicly. Now, the goal was never to hurt someone, nor do I want to do that. If it does hurt someone, than I sincerely hope they feel better. I still enjoyed my lemonade.

I’m glad he gave me lemons because I learned a lot through the whole experience. I never blamed him for the frustration I felt because it was me who created the feeling. It’s true that if he didn’t exist, I wouldn’t have felt that way, but ultimately my feelings are my own doing. Being triggered by something, whether it’s from being royally fucked over, or a blog post, is a tremendous opportunity to reflect, heal, and find the silver lining.

My blog has always been about finding the silver lining in the bullshit, and being raw while sprinkling in some sass and comedy. To me, there’s no better way to let it all out and move on than that. Look, I never said I handled this situation perfectly. I’m not perfect. This blog’s subtitle is called “The Journey To Become More Zen As Fuck”. Not “I’m Zen As Fuck.”

Again, to anyone who may have been offended by my last blog post or this one, I hope you feel better and genuinely want you to be happy. That said, that is how I made my lemonade, so maybe you should spend your time reading something else. Although, to be fair, unlike my last blog post, most of them aren’t about how annoying I think another human is.

In short, I am unapologetically me. If you try to make me feel bad about making lemonade, I’ll sip it with my pinky up, and offer you a glass to cool down. I care about people, and don’t want to be what caused someone else to feel triggered. However, if me living my life authentically causes someone else to feel that way, I hope they make the best of it and come join me with their lemonade when they’re done. Maybe we can add a shot of vodka in it together.

I’m in Limbo

CF605C7B-995B-424A-918A-476260790158Every store in The Old Quarter is shut down. The usually chaotic and loud streets of Hanoi, are now filled with an eerie silence, with the occasional sounds of a puttering engine from a motorbike passing by. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think an apocalypse was about to take place.

It’s Tet, the Lunar New Year. That means, for 10 days, Vietnam will be as lively as the dude who works behind the bar I go to, who has a permanent resting bitch face, and moves at the pace of my friend before her morning coffee. This means I have 10 days with nowhere to go, no place to workout, and 10 days without my favorite vegan chickpea sandwich.

Right now, I have as much stability as a girl in heels standing on one leg, trying to take off a pair on Spanx, blindfolded. You’re welcome for the imagery I just created in your mind. I’m in between jobs, and have not a single obligation. I have no idea what is to come after Tet. As for now, it’s a waiting game.

Normally, this would be the devils playground. My twisted mind typically lives for these moments of uncertainty and instability. Then it can fuck with me, and sit back and relax as it enjoys the shit show called my anxiety ridden life. Not this time, motherfucker.

I’m not sure what has changed. I know what triggers me and how I tend to handle certain situations, but now things are different. I have more faith. Not only faith that the world has my back, but that I also have my back.

I’m genuinely enjoying this time of nothingness, indulging in more snacks than I want to admit, and being a hoe because there’s nowhere to go, nothing to do, and I have a dating App. I’m not worried about what will happen because I’m here in the moment, and I know everything will work out. I’m excited about what’s to come if anything.

What. The. Fuck. You don’t understand how weird it is that I have nothing to do, no future plans, all of this uncertainty, and I’m chillin’ like a villain. I do however feel a bit lame for actually writing chillin’ like a villain. Like, who says that these days? This chilled out bitch, that’s who.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so okay not knowing what’s going to happen. It’s because the more I go through life, the more I trust the unfolding of it. When I experience hardships, I grow and learn. When I succeed, I have gratitude. There’s never a moment in life where I’m not moving forward. I may feel like I’m in limbo during Tet, but my mindset shows me that I’m still moving up. 

When Tinder Meets Serendipity

EF744E9F-08AC-45FE-84A9-B57480DC7A28.jpegI was on my way to Bites and Veggies. I wasn’t nervous, but I was curious about the outcome of our date as I heard the heels of my boots hit the pavement. When I saw him, I was relieved that he looked better in person, and he wasn’t an 80 year old cat lady trying to catfish me. My initial thoughts after our first minute together was “Alright, he seems chill, so this should be fine.”

Sometimes, people will come into your life just when you need them most. Sometimes what you think will be a dick appointment will turn into a friendship that will last for years to come. Or, you’ll meet someone who will have the perfect words to say to you during a difficult time of your life. Sometimes, it happens from the most unlikely circumstances. Sometimes, it’s Tinder.

I was swiping through Tinder, which I barely use because I think Tinder is trash compared to Bumble, but that’s besides the point. Something caught my eye. It was Gary V, an entrepreneur and idol of mine. So, I paused to see who’s profile it was. I figured if he’s in a picture with Gary, he can’t be all that bad. I swiped right, and it was a match.

He didn’t seem particularly funny or my type. However, something made me curious about him, even though he sent unsolicited dick pics way too soon. Maybe it was his entrepreneurial spirit, or his spirituality. Regardless, I felt like taking a chance against my friends will.

He wanted to come straight to my apartment to drop his bag off, but first I had to make sure I didn’t get serial killer vibes. So instead, we agreed to get lunch. From our brief online interaction, he was confident, and at least normal enough to have a decent conversation. Yet, I still new better than to be totally sure about that.

I never thought three days after we met, we’d be lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, talking about how we can’t believe our tinder meetup turned into a deep and meaningful  friendship. Within the few weeks he’s been traveling through Vietnam, we each went through some really challenging times in both of our personal lives. It truly feels like the universe orchestrated this encounter to give us the support and bond we needed. Not only to help us, but reward us as well.

From heartbreaks to perceived failures, we opened up about everything. We showed our vulnerability and authenticity. I talked about my insecurities and he gave me strength and solutions.  He shared his hardships and I gave him support and comfort.

This is not a situation where I picture him putting a ring on it and a white picket fence in our future. He’s family now… and no, I’m not into incest. Although If I’m being totally honest, if I had a couple drinks in me, he wouldn’t look like family for long.

People come into our lives for a reason whether we see it or not. Sometimes it’s more obvious and meaningful than others. The more we are aware of this, and open ourselves up to different possibilities and connections, the more we can receive and learn from each other.

Currently, he’s visiting one last time before he heads back home to the other side of the world. Some things are meant to be short and sweet, but this won’t be a goodbye. It’s a see you later.

My Life is a Fucking Shit Show, but I’m Still Happy

44B184DC-D1AE-4843-9217-0564F9943CEC.jpegI’m not going to beat around the bush. I tell it like it is. My life is a fucking shit show, but I love it.

It only makes sense to start off with some of the reasons why my life is a fucking shit show. My internal clock has been fucked for the past two months. I average about 4 hours of interrupted sleep every night. I can guarantee both of my parents will call me within the next few days about their concerns on the matter. My mom might even book a flight to Vietnam in the hopes she’d miraculously be able to cure my sleeping problems by her mere motherly presence. It’s like Edward Cullen from twilight bit me, and now I never need to sleep to survive. I wish the reason I can’t sleep was because that stud bit me though.

It also looks like I ate my old self from all of the bahn mi and fried rice. I swear, all of the meals here are basically “Would you like some food with that oily, greasy, fattening  fried-ness?” I’m going to town anyways, often resembling that Telly Tubby character with a vacuum nose that sucks up food with the intensity and speed of Robert Downey Jr. taking a line back in 1987.

Did I mention I barely drink water? I’m surprised I’m not looking like SpongeBob in the episode where he goes on land and almost dies from drying up. PS I woke up today with tonsillitis and the penicillin makes me feel like a 90 year old cat woman, but instead of cats, I have a sore throat.

Now, let’s get into being in Vietnam. People shoot snot rockets in the middle of the road more nonchalantly than a head nod. The air is as polluted as the mind of my friends psychotic ex boyfriend. Every time you cross the road you feel like you’re in the video game frogger and you are playing the hardest level on your last life.

Believe it or not, I love my life and where I am regardless of those situations. I’m even making changes to create a better life, and to love myself even more. I just signed a lease to have a home base in Vietnam. I’m with friends who I love, and they don’t shoot snot rockets in the road. I started working out again and got a gym membership. Working on the sleep and water, but I think it will change in time. I also started the job of my dreams, although I almost can’t even call it a job. I literally get paid to travel the world and make friends.

All that said, life in general is always a fucking shit show. There will always be shit, but it’s what you make of it. And I’m making me a bomb ass fucking shit show, and it keeps getting better.