peace – Brooke Lyn Landon

Making Peace With My Enemy

I’m making peace with my enemy. I’m not talking about my friends on again off again boyfriend who I loathe more than pretty much any other human I’ve ever met. Although, bless his fucked up heart, I wish him the best. The enemy I’m learning to make peace with is the one that keeps me from having peace of mind. The one that keeps me up at night. The one that prevents me from consistently living the life I know I’m capable of. A life of unwavering acceptance and flow. I’m learning to make peace with myself.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I know I’m freakin’ fabulous. This is not to say I’m not good enough, or deserving or blah blah blah. Yet, there’s a little voice in my head that sometimes whispers “Hey hoe. You should probably start worrying about how you don’t know what country you’ll be living in in 6 months time and what are you going to do with all of your shit? P.S. that dude that you’ve been crushing on these past several months… He’s not that into you. While you think about that, I’ll be creating more content so you can stay up with me for the next 5 hours. Tootaloo!”

Not the ideal companion to have living inside my brain, but it’s what I’ve got, and the only way to make peace with it is to become greater than my mind. I’m going to be so annoyingly conscious, that whenever that voice in my head starts to bitch, I can be like “Yo Karen, the manager (aka me) couldn’t give less fucks, so just relax.” Then, without judgement or criticism (to the best of my ability) move forward.

I said that the enemy that I’m making peace with is myself, but my mind isn’t who I am, it’s who I’ve created. So, I need to make peace with myself for having created that, and focus on being greater than my mind so that I can start consciously creating a new and improved internal dialogue. That dialogue is, and will forever be, more influential than anything or anyone else ever will be.

Our thoughts become your personality, and I’d be lying if my fabulousness didn’t come with a side of stress and anxiety these days. This is a never ending journey, but if you don’t start walking down this path of consciousness and personal development, you’ll likely be stuck with a Karen in your head and Xanax on your bedside table.

Some, if not most people don’t even realize that they’ve created this toxic internal dialogue, and identify with it so much that it becomes them. Freeing ourselves and making peace with that part of us is not an easy road, but if you keep going, it will be the most rewarding path you could take.

I’m About to Have a Midlife Crisis

I guess one could say I’m on the verge of having a bit of a midlife crisis. Not the crisis where I’m on my hands and knees begging for mercy. It’s more like the kind where I’m really hoping for some dude to come out of the sky and be like “Do this. It’s gunna be great. You’re awesome. Here’s some bomb, vegan, calorie free ice cream.” Like, is that too much to ask?

If someone were to ask me what I’m doing with my life, I’d probably have some basic white bitch answer like “Living my best life! #blessed” or some shit. That wouldn’t be lying. I’ve been traveling the world for months having the time of my life. That said, I can’t help but dwell on what’s around the corner when I return to the US.

Currently, I’m home free. I like to say that instead of homeless because it sounds cuter. I have no plans on how I’ll make money, where I’ll live, and most other things that are comforting to know. I’m a cross between an infant that doesn’t even know what’s on the other side of someone’s hands playing peekaboo, and a college dropout who doesn’t want to deal with all the BS. Great combo when 30 is creeping up and you see your friends with their 9-5 jobs, moving in with their significant others. If a guy can hold my interest for more than a month, I feel like I deserve a metal and one of those pageant sashes that says “Yass Queen! Keep those fingers crossed!”

So, how does one prepare for the inevitable depression that follows after the trip of a lifetime, or when you don’t know what the fuck is next? Or better yet, both at once.

My first instinct is to say the preparation involves a big trip to the grocery store, target, and some online retail therapy. However, I think the preparation is less about doing and more feeling.

Here’s how I feel. Everything to date has always and I mean ALWAYS worked out. Times like these are the pinnacle of ones own growth when looking back. The more of these challenges we face, the stronger and more prepared we are for the future. It’s a hustle, hurdle, and an advantage. Does it feel mildly terrifying and really icky? Yes. Will it be worth it in the end? Also yes. So, there you have it folks. That’s what you’ve got to tell yourself on the verge of a midlife crisis. Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself to keep me sane.

It Doesn’t Matter Where You Are

I’m mid temple tour in Chiang Mai, Thailand. I’m surrounded by some of the most stunning and sacred temples in Northern Thailand, but the only place I want to be is back in Indonesia. I asked myself why I’m not stimulated by such beauty and found some answers shortly after observing my surroundings.

When I look to my left I see an elderly Asian couple from my group. They take an absurd amount of selfies, but who am I to judge. To my right is a squad of Spanish teenagers that look like they all went way too hard the night before. Behind me stands a couple who speak as though they only know how to talk about Voldemort, so they say nothing at all.

If I was with any of the people I befriended in Indonesia, I’d be laughing my ass off right now. Even if I was merely in the vicinity of them, I’d feel joy. So it’s not about where I am, it’s who I’m with.

We are co-creators. Life is meant to be shared. I used to cringe when I heard that saying because it reminded me about how I’m single as a dollar bill over here, but you don’t have to shag to share an incredible bond and experience.

Wait, I know what you’re thinking. What about being alone? Shouldn’t you be happy anywhere so long as you love yourself? Yep, my thoughts exactly. Maybe I still have a ways to go. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been very happy with who I am and being on my own this trip. I went to the night market alone last night and enjoyed my time there.

Could it be that witnessing others sharing experiences has me aware of the power and beauty of co-creation, and the void of not having that now is more apparent? Perhaps the amplification of my independence and freedom scares me. Maybe it saddens me because I’d rather have someone to depend on and be free with.

It could be so many things, but one thing’s for sure. I trust that life will unfold beautifully and this is just a micro ebb in the flow of my travels. I’ve been in Chiang Mai for a little over 24 hours, so I’ve got to cut myself some slack for not having made a connection I’m really pumped about. Time to see what magic life brings me next.

Are You Actually Worrying Too Much, Or Just Too Soon?

pexels-photo-262075 My mom’s German boyfriend, who I refer to as “The Germ,” told my mother, “You don’t worry too much, you worry too soon.” Props to The Germ for that gem.

Although I wouldn’t entirely agree in my case because I can certainly worry too much as well, I believe that The Germ is right. Heck, I spent all of last week hyperventilating about a “what if” scenario that didn’t even come close to happening.

Imagine if we never worried too soon, or we never worried at all? What if worrying isn’t a natural human response or state of being, but we’ve collectively agreed it’s the norm? Food for thought.

A lot of people don’t think worrying is a big deal, so they wait until it’s unbearable, and something must be done. I’m at the point in life where I feel I’ve suffered enough, and I am ready to do something before a midlife crisis happens. (Though I’m pretty sure I’ve already had about 12 of those.) What can be done to help us chill out?

Acknowledging that we’ve created a habit of worry is a good place to start. Just like any habit, when we’ve done it enough, it becomes second nature. If we start acknowledging worry as a habit, rather than linking the feeling with our identity, we can start to reclaim our power. Our perspective will shift objectively and positively by looking at worry through that lens.

I know it’s annoying as shit to hear someone say all you have is now, you just have to wait and see, or be in the moment when you have a flat tire on Route 101, and you’re worried you’re going to miss your favorite barre class. That said, it’s true. Nothing else exists but now. The past is an illusion from our limited perspective, and the future is nothing but our imagination. When we worry, it is never coming from this moment in time. It’s coming from our programming of what we believe might have or will happen. A habit of thought.

Becoming aware of our worries, and taking those moments to transform our fears into a practice of mindfulness and presence, will help us not worry too soon. We will progress so long as we keep trying. It may Not be easy at times, but no mud, no lotus.

The Void of a Vice

photo-1486572788966-cfd3df1f5b42 My therapist told me when I want to emotionally eat, I should journal instead, so here I am. In an ideal world, I’d be double fisting granola on the kitchen island with no consequences or ill intent to mask discomfort. This, however, is my world, where my relationship with food is about as damaged as my friend’s iphone. She nearly needs stitches when she swipes the screen.

It’s interesting to me how we ALL have our vices to deal with during this crazy thing called life, yet some go unnoticed as an escape or way to avoid feelings. Overindulge in food, drugs, nicotine, alcohol, or sex, and it’s “You need help. You have a problem.”

Yet overindulging in television, social media, exercise, shopping, and caffeine, and it’s “You gotta do what you gotta do. It’s the 21st century.”

Sometimes, it’s even considered a form of self-care, when it’s anything but that. More often than not, it’s a way to escape feelings that are dying to be addressed and processed. Instead of becoming aware of our emotions and processing them in healthy ways, people go to processed foods or go through the process of picking the next Instagram-worthy photo.

The first step to avoid our vices is having the awareness that multiple times every day, we are using them to avoid something deeper. If we take a moment to pause each time we impulsively reach for our phone to scroll through Facebook, or call a friend because we’re “bored”, we may be surprised what comes up.

One day I opened the fridge to chow down on some carrots and paused.

“What am I really hungry for?” I asked myself when I took a moment to reflect and acknowledge I was acting impulsively and wasn’t hungry.

I closed the fridge and started to cry. “What the actual fuck?” I thought to myself in disbelief.

I became aware that my boredom and loneliness resulted in needing a vice before my consciousness could acknowledge my emotions. Feelings of abandonment and sadness surged over me. I felt like such a little bitch because essentially I started crying over carrots, but it was so therapeutic and enlightening.

Just because I have a vice does not mean something is wrong with me, and the same goes for you. Awareness gives you an opportunity to reclaim your power that is always available to you but easily forgotten. Be more aware when you act impulsively or reach for your vice. Pause, reflect, acknowledge, and claim your power.

Ultimately, the goal is being okay being alone with yourself, your thoughts, and your emotions. It’s being there for yourself like you’d be there for a friend, without a vice. So here I am, claiming my power and being constructive about it. But damn, that granola still looks good.

The Stream to Success

photo-1545933165-945eb24d50a4 When we are not getting what we want, sometimes it feels like we are trying to get it by paddling upstream after a downpour. People can be so hyper focused on reaching success, that what they do becomes more important than how they feel. We are conditioned that we must fight tooth and nail, and if we do so relentlessly, our dreams will come true. But at what cost?

If we’re miserable the whole way there, I think it’s safe to say we won’t have very many happy campers with trophies in hand. Rather, we’d have people wishing the trophy was different, bigger, or better. That is because how we feel now is predominantly based on the culmination of what’s already happened, and how we’ve already been feeling. And yes, there is value in the struggle. We learn and grow there. But we can struggle and follow the flow, or struggle in stagnation.

A stream does not stop flowing when a big rock gets stuck to the bottom. The water flows around the rock and continues its journey downstream. Yet, there I was, like Moses, blocking the flow of my stream so I could try to remove the rock I had named “Single as a dollar bill.”

The rock that we think we want to get is better left untouched. Maybe we think we want that rock, but that rock is there to tell us to move forward in another direction, or have a new perspective. Maybe if we kept flowing, that rock would naturally loosen.

This is not to say give up. This is to say let go of the rock. If you flow in other ways, what you want unfolds naturally. When you’re anxious about not getting what you want, rather than trying to rip the rock out of the ground, find a way to flow downstream.

When Your Well Has Run Dry

pexels-photo-874730 Imagine a bird in the middle of the Masada desert, who can’t fly for shit. No water in sight. The well has run dry. What now?

Sometimes we’re that bird. We get stuck in a rut, and because of fears and insecurities, we stare at an empty well as our mouths turn to sand paper and our words turn to sawdust.

We fixate on the well that has run dry, instead of flying to a new one. We trap ourselves in the constructs of our limiting beliefs, and we don’t even try to fly.

Finally, we get the courage to fly, only to end up at another dry well. “God damnit, climate change.” We blame the outside world because we are blinded by our own patterns of self sabotage.

The reality is, we’re as free as a bird. A bird who knows it can soar beyond the mountains that stand between the dry desert and the crystal water. A bird who trusts in its ability to fly from the nest and into an environment where there’s an innate knowing they will thrive. A bird who sees every well as a beautiful detour rather than a desolate destination.

A well that has run dry is not proof that we’re not good enough, or that we’re out of luck. It’s a sign to move our wings and our point of focus.

How To Wake Up On The Right Side Of The Bed

pexels-photo-347135 Have you ever woken up, and within five minutes of going about your day, you already feel like sucker punching everyone in the face who has the nerve to ask you a question? Just me? Great… Anyways, maybe this’ll help.

Good morning world what a beautiful view, I’m alive another day and get to spend it with you!

Before I look in the mirror and cause a potential fright, let me take a few breaths and acknowledge what feels alright.

Don’t pick up the phone and scroll through Facebook. Grab a nice cup of tea and head to the kitchen nook.

Hold the cup in your hands while you conjure love and appreciation. A lot of good will come even if only one minute of dedication.

Then play something positive that makes you happy. Perhaps affirmations, a podcast or song that’s fun and snappy.

Put on an outfit that makes you feel on cloud nine. There’s no need to worry, you’re looking mighty fine.

Go in front of the mirror and strike a power pose, feel the positive energy run from your head to your toes.

Take these vibes and go on your way. I’ve got a feeling you’ll make this a merry day.

The Best $300 I’ve Ever Spent

pexels-photo-545065 I don’t care what anyone else has to say about the matter. Having a session with Rebecca Dawson, a medium, was the best $300 I’ve ever spent. Regardless of whether or not half of it was hocus pocus, though I don’t think it was, the hour long session was worth it. No candles, chants, or crystal balls, just an awesome authentic Australian chick, who channeled like she had been doing this since she popped out of the womb.

As a result, I feel more confident with where I am and where I’m going. I feel relief. I feel clarity. I learned things about myself that I wouldn’t have been able to know otherwise. I wouldn’t have been able to get answers and clarity if I spent $300 on hair extensions and that souvenir at the Grand Canyon that I just had to have.

Yes, we all have the answers within and blah dee blah, but getting in there to find the answers can be like trying to put on spanx, blindfolded, in heels. Not that I’ve experienced that scenario, but I’ll pass if I can help it.

Although I would highly recommend what I did, I’m not putting this out there to turn people into a metaphysics freak like myself, or convince someone that this is what they need. Quite frankly I enjoy writing, so I’d be doing this regardless. However, there is always a purpose to what I do, and a hope it will inspire and help someone in some way.

The moral of this post is to use your resources to enhance your soul, not your ego. It is to not fear taking chances or spending money if it is something that excites you and will enhance your wellbeing and quality of life. I feel like there should be one more sentence to sum this all up, but this post isn’t about perfection, so I’ll leave it at that.

Wait

I’m currently waiting for a train to head back to Santa Barbara, sitting on a cement ledge as thin as my patients because some girl is letting her backpack take up the seat next to her. I’m being a little bitch and not asking if I can sit there because it looks like she’s had better days. My butt is numb, the train is delayed, and I almost let this be a negative experience. Why? Because my expectations are not meeting my reality. Because my ass has felt better before. Because I’m not being present. Because I’m letting the outside circumstances dictate my feelings.

Instead I can choose to be productive or introspective, or pace around as I look up at the sky and marvel at the planets ability to give us another day after all the BS we put it through.

What if we made every moment of waiting valuable? What if instead of pulling out a phone, we appreciated the good in our lives, or struck up a conversation with a friendly stranger?

We collectively have agreed that waiting is an unfortunate predicament rather than an unexpected present from the universe. If we looked at waiting as an opportunity for growth rather than an inconvenience, many moments of our lives would be spared. I’m going to make the most of this hour and a half delay. Hopefully the next time you have to wait, you can make the most of it too.

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