mentalhealth – Brooke Lyn Landon

Changing My Life, Again

It feels like every planet imaginable is in retrograde, and I broke a mirror while walking under a ladder with a black cat in front of me. The apartment of my dreams slipped through my fingers, and I don’t know where I’m going to live in a week. While the prices of living in LA constantly make me feel like I need to get a “real” job or sugar daddy ASAP, the stubborn free spirit within screams, “ I LIKE FREEDOM AND BABY FACES!”

As some of you may recall, about six weeks ago I said I was going to change my life. Through meditation, affirmations and self discipline, I was determined to improve myself and my life. Well, so much for that. To be fair, I had many triumphs during that time, especially with insights on my relationships and setting boundaries. However, this last week shit hit the fan and it’s time for changing my life take 2…. Or take 973,694,761.

So, what went wrong? Nothing. Everything is as it should be. Yet, it feels like absolute SHIT. Why? Maybe because comedians love to suffer on the DL? idk. In all seriousness, I feel like a big part of my work in this lifetime is self mastery. The ADHD, depression, anxiety, addictions, and plethora of other goodies my hand was dealt in this lifetime, is really a royal flush.

It’s like getting socks for Christmas from Santa. When you’re a kid you’re like “God damnit why the fuck did Santa go to Costco for these off white socks when I asked for a slutty Bratz Doll??” Then, years later, you get socks and smile while the Bratz doll would have gotten a buzz cut and thrown in the trash years ago.

This is my path, and my sensitive bitch ass will find my success no matter how many takes I need. I will find my success because of these challenges I move though. They are not here to try to stop me, but to heal me. These obstacles are opportunities for the self mastery I was designed to experience and transcend. Take 2 (or 973,694,761) starts now.

My Biggest Investment

For those of you who have been following my journey, you already know my life has kind of been like that meme of baby Yoda all teary-eyed, with the caption “When you think you’ve healed that part of you, but the world throws you a curve ball.” but then, like a fucking beast, I somehow manage to wipe the tears, put on a smile, and get better at catching the ball next time. Well, life just threw me a massive curveball. It scared the shit out of me, but here’s how I’m going to catch it.

I’ve been saving nearly half of my pay check every month for a rainy day. Then it rains, and instead of buying a new umbrella, I’ve been taking out my broken one, patched up with duck tape, leaking from every side. Obviously, that’s a metaphor, although my grandfather legitimately used to duck-tape the holes on his umbrella.

Well, no more of that. I’m investing quite a bit of money, and it’s going towards the most important thing in anyones life. Themselves. I’m hiring a personal boxing coach, a business coach, new decor and plants for my home, art supplies, not holding back as much when I go out to eat or shop with friends, weekend getaway trips, and the list goes on. Mind you, I have been working hard to have the means to do this. I’m not telling you to brake the bank and test your luck in Vegas.

In short, you can’t pour from an empty cup, and sometimes the best way to fill it is to go and buy some water (Or champagne, whatever floats your boat) instead of walking miles to a dirty well. Investing in yourself doesn’t have to be lavish or expensive, but it does have to be done if you want to make the best of the life you’re living. Other ways you could invest in yourself is taking a nice relaxing bubble bath or painting your toe nails. I say that mainly because it’s on the forefront of my mind because I’m still sweaty from the gym and I so desperately need a pedicure right now.

Nothing in your life will come easily if you yourself are not at ease. Our lives are an external reflection of our internal world, so what’s even more important than buying all of these things is getting your mind ready for them. How are you going to invest in yourself?

I Am Not Alright

I am not alright. As I’ve mentioned in a previous blog, I’ve been having severe sleep issues for months. To put things in perspective, when I went to the sleep lab to get tested overnight, during my 4.5 hours of sleep, I had 7 sleep apnea episodes and woke up a whopping 25 times. Imagine that. Actually don’t because it sucks, I know first hand.

The best they could diagnose me with was sleep architecture disorder which I’m convinced they made up. They probably saw me and figure I looked like an architecture with disorders and called it a day. I’m pretty fucked up right now though, so they’re half right.

Fucked up how, I’ll explain. I’ve been managing this lack of sleep like a tank for so long. By that I mean I’ve been juggling my 4 jobs, social life, and passion projects miraculously well. I had myself convinced I could keep going, but at what cost and until when?

Well, I found out 4 days ago that my limit had been reached. It was pretty clear due to my historical crying and dwindling will to live. Sounds pretty extra but if you went months without sleeping well, you’d want to hit the restart button at some point too.

I say I’m not alright, but I will be. My sleep will improve. In fact, because of this, I’ll be better than before. That’s how hard times and struggles work if you adapt and make the best of it. When something knocks you off course, the only way to get back on track is to focus more diligently than before. Now, I have more determination and eagerness to thrive, and drive to do what it takes to do so. I have to conjure faith and confidence in myself that I will be able to be better and do better than ever, and I will. I know this because that’s the attitude you need to create a life worth living and I’m not letting mine go to waste.

Faith, focus, and fun…. and a bomb sleep routine. That is what I need to create now to ensure I make the most of this blessing in disguise. Sounds like a sign you’d see hanging on the bedroom wall, of a girl named Becky, who goes to Starbucks so much that they make her a pumpkin spice latte as soon as she comes through the door. Regardless, next time you’re in a rut, remember when you have faith in yourself, focus on the life you’re excited to create, and make having more fun and enough sleep a priority, in time, the results will be fucking fabulous. Just watch.

From a Dating App to Apnea

In retrospect, you begin to notice the breadcrumbs you’ve followed to get you to where you are today. Sometimes, it’s more obvious than others. Sometimes, it’s life changing. Sometimes, it starts with a right swipe, and sometimes it’s all of the above.

For those who don’t know, I’ve been having severe sleep issues for the past year. I’m talking an average of three to four hours of sleep a night and I don’t even have a cool night out or event to make up for it. Just me, living like Edward Cullen, but instead of my life being a romantic drama, it’s a comedy freak show.

I work four jobs, have lots of passion projects, and a big social life. My friends don’t understand how I’m still alive, and I’ll be honest, I don’t know either. With barely having enough time to take a piss, I’ve added dating to the mix because go big or go home, right?

I believe I was on the back of a motorbike on my way to work when I came across the dating profile of a Vietnamese American backpacker who got stuck in Vietnam due to the pandemic. 91 counties traveled, nice smile, and didn’t come across as a serial killer, so I swiped right. As a former backpacker, I’ve always appreciated the kind gestures of others, so figured I’d return the favor by letting him stay with me a few nights on his way South.

I told him about my sleeping issues. He actually seemed to care more about my sleep than me. He would make me turn off the lights and go to bed at 10, got me a box of chamomile tea, and literally spent over 30 minutes one night telling me a boring bedtime story to try to help me fall asleep.

It was appreciated, but ultimately didn’t fix much. After he left, he would continue to ask me how I slept every day. He encouraged me to see a doctor to get to the bottom of my sleeping issues. It’s never something I would have done on my own at that time, but he inspired me to take action by making me face the severity of my situation.

I remember the moment it hit me. Curious about my condition, he continued to ask me questions and I continued to make light of it. That is, until he sent me a voice memo saying “You know this is taking years off of your life you can never get back, right? You need to sleep.” Like no shit I need to sleep, but I was so in denial about it being such an issue until I heard those words.

Lo and behold, my nose doesn’t work correctly, my throat doesn’t close properly, and quite frankly, how I’ve managed to function thus far is questionable. This past week has been one doctor visit after the next, but I am so much closer to getting the sleep that will change my life forever. Sometimes, if you follow the breadcrumbs life gives you, you’ll be lead to the right person, in the right place, at the right time, to hear the right thing. I now care way less that he was really messy and sent my OCD through the roof. It was worth the right swipe.

Unfucking Myself

I think it’s safe to say we’re all a little fucked up. Thanks mom and dad. Ultimately though, we are the ones responsible for unfucking ourselves to become the person that our fucked-upness has inspired us to be.

On a scale of one to fucked, lately I’d say I’ve been at a “fuck”. That’s to say I like my life and have a lot of great things going on for me right now. I’m content, yet, there may have been more than a few times this week where I’ve done or felt something that made me think “Fuck.” Lately the fucks have been getting louder, but let me explain why nothing could be better than a good “FUCK!”

Sometimes, we choose to let things bother us for too long. We hold on even when the lesson or resistance that served its purpose has expired. Then the fucks get louder and louder until *BAM* you suddenly feel like a hangry Hulk.

When we forget how powerful we are, we fuck ourselves over by thinking sloppily and sitting in self pity. It creates negative momentum until the next thing you know, you’re looking like a hopeless romantic who’s single on valentines day. However, there’s so much beauty and opportunity in those times. Those fucks are essentially wake up calls. It’s an invitation to positively transform your life by using your focus to make beneficial changes in your thoughts and behaviors. It’s life’s way of telling you it’s time to get back into alignment. Sometimes, I’ll admit, I’m a little deaf, but once I tune in and listen, step aside because I’m going from a hangry Hulk to Wonder Woman.

Unfucking ourselves is even more satisfying than a good fuck because you don’t need to rely on anyone else. More importantly, the amount of self motivation and power conjured during the unfucking is more liberating and empowering than I can put into words. When life seems to be fucking you over, acknowledge that this is your wakeup call to unfuck yourself and create the life you’ve been wanting to live.

I Just Wanna Be Fuckin’ Happy

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I was minding my own business, on the back of a motorbike heading out of Tay Ho, Vietnam, when my Spotify shuffled to a random song by Julia Michaels. “What kind of sorcery is this?” I thought to myself as I gazed down to find out the artist and title. The song is called “Happy”, but it’s not about rainbows, butterflies, or drugs. The song is about sadness and heartache. She sang it in a way that touched me in my feels. It’s not often a song will turn me into a total softie while bobbing my head back and forth like I’m preparing for a mosh. However, the reason I was taken aback wasn’t because of that.

Why would a song about heartbreak, and not being happy, resonate with me so much when my life is good? That song essentially put me into a time machine, and flew me back to my cringy yet significantly trimmer and more youthful 16-year-old self. It made me think about times that I didn’t particularly want to go back to, and question many of my life choices. Yet, I still pressed repeat when I knew the song was coming to an end.

The next time I heard her sing the chorus, “I just wanna be fuckin’ happy.”, I asked myself what I had probably been suppressing for a long time. Am I really fucking happy? The fact that I asked that question was enough to know the answer was no. Don’t get me wrong, my life is great. I’m surrounded by an incredible community and wonderful friends. I love my family and have created a beautiful life for myself. I have a good life and I’m happy, but I’m not really fucking happy.

By that I mean, I still have voids I’m trying to fill. I still believe that my life will be better once I start my own business, or once I’m waking up every morning next to the doppelgänger of Leonardo DiCaprio from Titanic. (Yes, specifying Titanic rather than The Revenant makes a big difference in my book.) A part of me feels empty because I’ve created a life where the future, and things outside of myself, hold my conditional happiness. I was and am living a great life, but what’s keeping me from being really fucking happy is complete acceptance and gratitude for what is, regardless of other things I want that have yet to manifest in my life.

I am choosing in this moment to put my value and focus on different things. To bring my attention to the good that I have now rather than what I want in the future. That’s not to say I can’t have dreams and desires, but what I need to do is stop putting so much hype, hope, or worry on the future, that I feel my present is less valuable. Wanting more from life is fine and normal. However, needing something more to feel better, is not a goal we should strive for, yet we seem to have collectively agreed it’s alright.

Many think that in order to change your life, get what you want, and be fucking happy, we have to do something different. Although that’s not wrong, it’s not where to begin. It’s not about doing or having. It’s about being. Who do we have to become? Who do we have to be to change? We have been brought up in a world revolved around doing, but we won’t be taking the right actions if we haven’t become the right person first.

I am choosing to become more grateful and appreciative for what is. I am going to become more present and mindful. I am going to observe my thoughts, feel my feelings, and accept them without resistance. I am going to chill the fuck out and be fucking happy not by changing what I do or have, but who I am. Then, I’ll be truly fucking happy.

What the Fuck is Going to Happen

Have you ever thought “What the fuck will my future look like? What the fuck is going to happen? When will I settle down enough to become a fur mama and get an Italian Greyhound?” Maybe not those exact words. You could be a cat person, in which case I would mildly judge you. Anyways, I certainly have thought that.

Sometimes, those thoughts make me curious, creative, and joyful. Thinking about what could be can be exciting. However, there are days where those same thoughts have me feeling as melancholy as Bo Jack Horseman, minus the drug abuse and alcoholism. Thankfully the future currently excites me, but how the fuck can the same thoughts make us feel completely different from day to day, and can we do anything about it?

The answer to the latter is, with practice, yes. I’m not saying by doing the following you will be skipping around like Dorothy down the Yellow Brick Road. That said, there are ways to help. And yes, it’s been scientifically proven, so I’m not talking out my ass.

You might say you’ve heard this before, but bare with me because this blog is still funny af and worth the read. The answer is breathe. Breathing deeply and consciously will recalibrate your nervous system, which will bring you more emotional stability. You don’t need to stop feeling like Bo Jack Horseman, but it will help, so breathe.

Now why do we sometimes feel good about a subject, when the week prior we were walking around like Bridget Jones on a bad day, thinking about the same thing? Well, I’m no saint and don’t have all the answers, but I have an idea. Our nervous system is fucked from our repetitive toxic thoughts or actions that aren’t in our best interest. So breathe, reset, and appreciate your ability to take positive actions.

Ultimately our feelings on any subject have nothing to do with the actual topic and hand. It’s our nervous system which is out of alignment due to our negative emotional state of being. Our state of being is a mixture of our past programming, and our conscious or unconscious practiced habits. However, we also have our freewill in the present moment to choose how we will take action and respond in any given situation. To use our freewill to breath, and practice that habit, we can take back our power. So if you ever worry about what the fuck is going to happen next, just breathe. Wow, talk about getting deep and preachy. But hey, if you’ve made it this far, you must have been entertained, so my work here is done.

What my Tears are Telling me

A1678493-DAF1-4FF4-92BC-8ADE68B23172 I cried twice this month in the course of 9 days. prior to those episodes, it had been months since I shed a tear. Not if you’re counting things like emotional animal rescue video clips I ignorantly click on my Facebook newsfeed. And no, my breakdowns were not because I was pmsing and they didn’t have any chocolate I liked at a nearby convenient store or some shit. It’s a multitude of things, but when I break it down, it becomes more clear.

You see, I’ve been high on life for so long. Living it up, staying up late, eating shitty but delicious food, and drinking. “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” has been my motto these days, and I’m constantly around and entertaining others without giving myself time to recharge. It’s like forgetting to charge my phone, and then getting frustrated at my phone for not letting me check if my bumble match responded when it runs out of battery. I have to take responsibility for the consequences of my actions while simultaneously acknowledging the signs these struggles are teaching me. It’s more than partying too hard and living my best life. It’s my body and mind sending me signals that I need to tend to myself. Change needs to happen.

As I’ve said before, chaos is creation, and there is nothing but beauty in these breakdowns because I know they’re happening for me, not to me. More sleep and more me time is essential right now. The struggle is real now that my internal clock has been completely fucked from this new life, but I’m working on it.

When there’s an ebb in the flow of life, it’s also important to express yourself. To say I’ve been bottling my feelings up like a beer can tossed around by a frat boy would be an understatement. I have some of the best friends one could ask for, but I am not one to talk to them often when I’m far away. Partially I don’t reach out because that entails filling them in on my life. way too fucking much has happened for me to succinctly go through all my crazy adventures, hookups, and questionable life choices. I wouldn’t dare tell my mom when I feel like this. If I coughed or sneezed on the phone, she would probably assume I had dangue fever with a 10% chance of survival, so I don’t want to give her heart palpitations by telling her my mental state has seen better days. The people here listen to enough of my shit, so I don’t want to blab more about how exhausted I am. To be honest, it’s almost like I forgot how to ask or get support. I wasn’t expressing what I needed to in order to feel heard, understood, or supported. So instead, that left me feeling alone, even in a room full of people.

This post isn’t being written so you will reach out saying some “You can always talk to me” etc. etc. That’s nice and all, but it’s more being written as my outlet to get what’s inside of me out. It’s letting the world know it’s okay to not be okay because that’s creation. It’s a reminder to us all that it’s beautiful to have a body that can tell us it’s time for a shift.

Now it’s time to ask how I can sustain this fun and exciting life in a more realistic, healthy way. What practices and self care do I need to implement to have my ebbs turn to flows before the waterworks begin. I’ve done the work to get my answers and am getting my flow back. Now all I need is some melatonin.

I’m About to Have a Midlife Crisis

I guess one could say I’m on the verge of having a bit of a midlife crisis. Not the crisis where I’m on my hands and knees begging for mercy. It’s more like the kind where I’m really hoping for some dude to come out of the sky and be like “Do this. It’s gunna be great. You’re awesome. Here’s some bomb, vegan, calorie free ice cream.” Like, is that too much to ask?

If someone were to ask me what I’m doing with my life, I’d probably have some basic white bitch answer like “Living my best life! #blessed” or some shit. That wouldn’t be lying. I’ve been traveling the world for months having the time of my life. That said, I can’t help but dwell on what’s around the corner when I return to the US.

Currently, I’m home free. I like to say that instead of homeless because it sounds cuter. I have no plans on how I’ll make money, where I’ll live, and most other things that are comforting to know. I’m a cross between an infant that doesn’t even know what’s on the other side of someone’s hands playing peekaboo, and a college dropout who doesn’t want to deal with all the BS. Great combo when 30 is creeping up and you see your friends with their 9-5 jobs, moving in with their significant others. If a guy can hold my interest for more than a month, I feel like I deserve a metal and one of those pageant sashes that says “Yass Queen! Keep those fingers crossed!”

So, how does one prepare for the inevitable depression that follows after the trip of a lifetime, or when you don’t know what the fuck is next? Or better yet, both at once.

My first instinct is to say the preparation involves a big trip to the grocery store, target, and some online retail therapy. However, I think the preparation is less about doing and more feeling.

Here’s how I feel. Everything to date has always and I mean ALWAYS worked out. Times like these are the pinnacle of ones own growth when looking back. The more of these challenges we face, the stronger and more prepared we are for the future. It’s a hustle, hurdle, and an advantage. Does it feel mildly terrifying and really icky? Yes. Will it be worth it in the end? Also yes. So, there you have it folks. That’s what you’ve got to tell yourself on the verge of a midlife crisis. Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself to keep me sane.

From Misery to Marvelous

June 7th, 2018

“That’s why I’ve concluded that between now and mid November, your togetherness can and should reach peak expression,” reads the words written below my horoscope in The Independent. Well, thank the freakin’ Lord because I feel as together as Britany Spears during her bald-head phase. My therapist tells me it’s time for more inner child work, and I agree. Problem is, that child inside of me is apparently a professional long distance runner because it seems like the chance to do the inner work tends to run away.

October 10th, 2018

So much for that stupid piece of paper in The Independent. If this is full expression, I want to go back to half expression, or no expression at all. I’m such a rollercoaster. I have the enthusiasm of an audience member on Oprah during the 12 days of Christmas giveaway. The next week, the dopamine in my brain is a mix of Eeyore from Winnie the Poo and Scrooge.

June 15th, 2019

The Independent may be full of shit, but at least I don’t feel like shit. In fact, over the past several months, life has been marvelous and keeps getting better. Though sometimes I look at the ebbs in life as unfortunate, it’s a beautiful phenomenon. The ever constant ebb and flow is the rhythm of the cosmos. It is the way we evolve into more. We perceive it as a rollercoaster because it’s one hell of a ride, but we don’t have to look at it as horrific. Our seatbelts are always on, and we’ll always be okay even when we scream or feel like puking. Eventually, we will enjoy the views and thrills of it all.