Does Size Matter?

B86C4228-E699-448B-94FE-78406A0AEE77.jpegInitially reading the title of this post, I’m certain a lot of curiosity arose. I’m sure at least a few people considered searching through their emojis to find the eggplant to accompany the comment with their thoughts on the matter. Sure, I could be referring to a dick, a pant size, or an eggplant, but that’s not all.

Well, does size matter? My answer is yes and no. For everything in existence, there is someone on this planet who will think it matters, and others who will not. Something matters to everyone, but it only matters how it matters to you and what you do about it.

Anyone else’s assumptions on what matters could change. When you embrace your size or opinion, and the beauty you have to offer, you have the power to shift the perspectives of others. Also, your mood can drastically change from Squidward to SpongeBob based off of what you realize truly matters to you.

Some days I feel so bloated I imagine others perceive me as that chick Violet from Willy Wonka when she chews the gum, and blows up like a gigantic blueberry. I feel like any moment I’ll have Oompa Loompa‘s rushing towards me to roll me away. I can’t imagine on those days people are actually looking at me like I’m a sumo wrestler, but my energy certainly isn’t offering a milkshake that’ll bring all the boys to my yard.

Other days, I wake up having the confidence of Beyoncé and give less fucks than Kanye West. I could look the same as I did the day I felt like Violet, but my mindset shifted my reality. If I’m beaming, walking like a hot piece of ass, people will be drawn to that energy in a positive way. What matters is how you feel and how you present yourself to the world.

When I asked if size mattered I said yes and no, but I’ve actually change my mind. It absofuckinglutely does not matter. Size doesn’t matter. Feelings matter. Focus on lifting your spirits. Then, wether it’s the size of your pants, bra, dick, or eggplant, it will be something to appreciate.

What to Expect When Using a Dating App While Traveling

6A19574D-3D57-4ECC-A8BE-C5050ED0BF06.jpegI’ve been traveling over the past six months, and being the talker that I am, I’m almost never alone. At hostels, I’m constantly meeting people and enjoying the company of others. That said, every once in a while, when I’m new to a place or staying with a friend who’s at work all day, I’ve turned to a dating app.

Through this process, I’ve discovered a lot of differences from country to country, had great memories, and met wonderful people. I’ve also messaged others who can hold a conversation as well as my friend held her liquor last night, (I held her hair back, don’t worry) and was given unsolicited dick pics.

When I was in Vietnam, I felt like matching with most of the options I was given could be considered borderline pedophilea. So many young boys on their gap year, or living it up for the holidays. I wasn’t mad at it, I always like a good baby face. It also makes sense they’re there considering SE Asia is dirt cheap and many of them probably knew student loans were right around the corner.

In Japan, the men on the app were older. And by older I mean closer to my age, and more established. Generally speaking, I had more of an interest in meeting up with them even if they didn’t have a baby face.

Regardless of what the guys are like or where you are, you have to be willing to put in the effort even with the knowledge that you may never meet up. Sometimes they leave the country before getting together or plans change and life takes you in a different direction. Other times you want to meet them because you like their face but realize what’s behind the face is as basic as my old neighbor who drinks Starbucks pumpkin spice lattes in the fall, and wears Uggs in the winter, even while living in California. Also, it could very well be that they’re just on the app for validation or entertainment. 

What to expect is that the array of people and your amount of matches changes based on location. The experiences you have, great or not as great, will probably be better and more memorable than sitting alone in your hotel room refreshing your Facebook newsfeed for the 1,000th time. The downside is weeding through the people who’s messages are as stimulating as watching paint dry, and the occasional unsolicited dick pic.

I’ve connected with all types of life. I met up with people from Pakistan and Israel, to Scandinavia, the UK, Canada, and different parts of the US. Wow, sounding like a serial dater over here. I like to look at it as a serial adventurer and opportunist.

Do I think by doing this I’ll find me a man who will put a ring on it? No, although I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have my eye out for dual citizenship. I’m doing it because I love connecting with people, and to be frank, I almost always have a great time.

This is just my experience with a dating app that I was using, but maybe you’d find different results through your personal experience. If you’ve ever thought about giving it a go, I’d encourage you to do so. Listen to your gut, keep your wits about you, and go make some great memories and connections.

It Doesn’t Matter Where You Are

40C7485A-F04C-48CC-9BDE-480FFE5B68B7.jpegI’m mid temple tour in Chiang Mai, Thailand. I’m surrounded by some of the most stunning and sacred temples in Northern Thailand, but the only place I want to be is back in Indonesia. I asked myself why I’m not stimulated by such beauty and found some answers shortly after observing my surroundings.

When I look to my left I see an elderly Asian couple from my group. They take an absurd amount of selfies, but who am I to judge. To my right is a squad of Spanish teenagers that look like they all went way too hard the night before. Behind me stands a couple who speak as though they only know how to talk about Voldemort, so they say nothing at all.

If I was with any of the people I befriended in Indonesia, I’d be laughing my ass off right now. Even if I was merely in the vicinity of them, I’d feel joy. So it’s not about where I am, it’s who I’m with.

We are co-creators. Life is meant to be shared. I used to cringe when I heard that saying because it reminded me about how I’m single as a dollar bill over here, but you don’t have to shag to share an incredible bond and experience.

Wait, I know what you’re thinking. What about being alone? Shouldn’t you be happy anywhere so long as you love yourself? Yep, my thoughts exactly. Maybe I still have a ways to go. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been very happy with who I am and being on my own this trip. I went to the night market alone last night and enjoyed my time there.

Could it be that witnessing others sharing experiences has me aware of the power and beauty of co-creation, and the void of not having that now is more apparent? Perhaps the amplification of my independence and freedom scares me. Maybe it saddens me because I’d rather have someone to depend on and be free with.

It could be so many things, but one thing’s  for sure. I trust that life will unfold beautifully and this is just a micro ebb in the flow of my travels. I’ve been in Chiang Mai for a little over 24 hours, so I’ve got to cut myself some slack for not having made a connection I’m really pumped about. Time to see what magic life brings me next. 

Three Steps to Succeed in Love and Life

photo-1465145177017-c5b156cd4d14October 18th, 2018

“Step 1:  _____
Step 2:  _____
Step 3: Win”

That’s what I read as I looked down at the Cards Against Humanity card that I held between my thumb and index finger. I’m going to run with that prompt, and considering my life these days, I’ll write about relationships…or lack thereof.

Step 1: Stop worrying so much about being alone forever. The chances of me being an 80-year-old cat lady with cobwebs between my legs is not as likely as I make it seem…I’m allergic to cats.

Step 2: Enjoy the single life. It’s not all that bad, am I right? Now that I’ve spent the last two minutes trying to think of why it’s not all that bad, I’m realizing I have quite a bit of work to do. Shit, maybe step two should be find what brings you joy and follow that because thinking about single life makes me feel like Amanda Bynes pre-psychiatric treatment. Moral of step 2: Take action to do more of what lights you up.

Step 3: Win

More than six months have past since I wrote about the Cards Against Humanity prompt in October, 2018. A lot has changed since then. For starters, I could recite a laundry list of reasons why the single life is great. I am not saying this because since then I’ve been in a relationship that made me think boys are monsters and still have cooties. The single life is great because I listened to my own advice for once, and I took action to do more of what makes me happy.

These past several months have brought me so much fulfillment that a healthy and loving relationship would be the cherry on top rather than the Ben and Jerry’s itself. Until then, I’ll be living my best life, enjoying my freedom, and exploring possibilities. #Winning.

I Don’t Know What the Fuck I’m Doing, and it’s a Masterpiece

photo-1493321384838-70c5a85ba487Waves of indecision and uncertainty crash over me like an infant playing too close to the ocean. What will happen as I go solo backpacking through Asia? What am I even doing there? Whenever I choose to return, or if I do, where should I set roots? I try to convince myself I know what I’m doing and put my mind at ease. Truth is, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, but it’s a masterpiece. Here’s why.

Although I may be mildly hyperventilating on a daily basis, I am now the artist of my life. I’m consciously creating my masterpiece rather than blindly making the same images, and using similar colors, that society or others have projected onto me. I’m using my gut, the true designer of life, rather than my mind, which repeatedly tells me to use the same palette to keep me safe and comfortable.  

When I walk into the unknown, I feel the invisible bondage of expectations, assumptions, and familiarity evaporate into nothingness, where the beginning of everything lives. It’s unsettling, unnerving, and exhilarating. It’s living.  

We are conditioned to think it’s bad to be uncertain of what the future holds, or to not know what the next step is, because it makes us feel uneasy. There’s this unspoken pressure to “have your shit together” which often goes hand in hand with other’s unrealistic expectations of what they think our lives should look like. The uneasiness and change we think are bad are catalysts for forward movement.

I can’t count the amount of times people have told me, “I could never do what you’re doing.” In fact, I heard it today.

My response was “ I don’t feel like I can either, but if I waited until I did, I would never do it.”

It feels chaotic, but chaos is creation in disguise. Chaos, change, and discomfort are masterpiece that is often only acknowledged as such after the fact. Remember, in times of chaos, there’s creation. It’s life giving you a blank canvas. Are you going to create the same image you’ve always made with that clean slate? Will it be a scene that makes your heart ache or sing? Once you embrace the artist you are, it becomes your choice and responsibility to create your masterpiece.

My mind tells me I’m not ready, I have doubts, I feel fear. With that, I also have a blank canvas. It may get messy, and I’m certainly no Michelangelo, but I know I have the freedom to make a masterpiece designed by none other than me.      


What You Need to Know if You Want Someone to Like You More

photo-1488116438332-30c57aca5d9dHave you ever wanted someone to like you more? I think it’s safe to say we’ve all been there. It can make us insecure, overthink, worry, and question our self-worth. If we’re not careful, before we know it we’ll be coming across like Helga from Hey Arnold. For those of you who didn’t grow up watching Nickelodeon, trust me when I say you don’t want that. She has a plethora of psychiatric tendencies, a very strong libido, and is as obsessed with Arnold as the Grinch is about destroying Christmas.

I’ve accumulated a few takeaways from experiences such as this. First of all, I’ve come to realize that I would not put nearly as much thought into how they felt about me, or what to say to them, if they were super into me. When I want someone to like me more, it almost becomes a game in which the only way to win is to prove I’m worthy and good enough for them, even at the cost of them not being good for me. We want to knock on the door that’s closed, rather than walk through the dozens of open doors that surround us. Why? The thought of overcoming, persevering, and getting what we want, is a challenge we believe we want and need to take on. This is not Operation, and it’s time to stop playing games. The reality is love doesn’t need to be hard, and it shouldn’t be.

One day, I told my therapist I didn’t know if I still wanted to keep hanging out with a guy I had met two months prior. He wasn’t putting in much effort, and I was looking for someone who would put energy into creating a connection, regardless of the nature of the relationship. Fast forward a few weeks after that session, and I was studying the art of locksmithing. I was trying to get the key to open up the door to his heart that was shut tighter than the space between me and my pair of spanx that’s two sizes too small. I found myself wanting a guy to fall in love with me even though I myself didn’t love him back.

We can’t keep trying to weld a key that will open the door to their heart, using our blood, sweat, and tears, with the hopes we can change it. We deserve someone who is holding the door open, beckoning us in. Maybe one day their door will be open, but we weren’t born to stick around like an Italian-Jewish mother, waiting for her single 30-year-old daughter to have a baby. (I know that’s a total stereotype, but I can’t deny it paints a pretty good picture.) If it’s not easy, put down the welding stick, the icepick, or whatever you’re using to try to break down the barrier.

Moral of the story: Step away from closed doors. That’s not to say pretend they don’t exist. When we take a step back, we have a better perspective of what else is available to us. When we change our gaze and focus, we walk forward in a new direction that will lead us closer to doors that are available for us to explore fully. A door can always open one day, and we will always have the freedom to change any direction we so choose, but the time spent waiting, we’ll never get back.


How To Make Him Fall In Love With You (or Find Yourself Trying) in 30 days

pexels-photo-258421November 1, 2018 

Yes, that’s right. I have about 30 days until Hunter will decide where he wants to move. If he falls in love with me by then, the chances of him sticking around are significantly higher. So how can I do this? The answer is be (or at least act like) a high-value woman.

A high-value woman doesn’t chase a man and isn’t needy or attached. She keeps her options open. A high-value woman does not tolerate booty calls and BS. She doesn’t ask “What are we?” She waits for the relationship to bloom naturally. She emulates feminine energy and radiates a love for life and herself.

So far I’ve been playing the game better than a Patriots quarterback, but the game’s not over, so I can’t lose momentum now.

That being said, is this really a game, or am I simply being strategic? Am I trying to control something out of my control? Or can my conscious choice to act and become a high-value woman, change the way the relationship blooms? Perhaps not, but I like to think I can have an influence on the matter. My therapist would tell me otherwise.

The next day…

So the whole trying to make him love me lasted a whopping 12 hours before I realized that plan was about as shitty as the horse stalls I had to clean out at farm camp in 5th grade. Let’s face the facts. He wants to move. To think I can change the course of his destiny based on my wants is pretty crazy. I have to come to terms with the fact that there are some things that are in my control, but more things than I’d like to admit are not in my control. Although you never know, it seems like he’ll be out of here before I can convince him to shave his mustache.

One week later…

Holy shit he shaved his mustache! As he opened his door, I gasped as though I had seen someone put half of a perfectly good vegan breakfast burrito in the compost, without offering it to me first. I stumbled into his house with my hand over my mouth as if I was trying to hide my reaction, but I wasn’t trying to. “Woo!” I said as I used my hand as a fan. “It’s getting hot in here.” We laughed. “That’s a great reaction.” He said with a smile.

I want him to love me, yet I myself don’t love him back. Heck, I don’t even know what love is! Anyways, I just have to go with the flow and enjoy life, but it hasn’t been easy. I now wish he had his mustache again. It would be easier to watch him walk away.

December 14, 2018

Over a month has gone by since my first journal entry about all these shenanigans. Yes, it would be nice to have Hunter stay. Yes, he’s super cute, and I like spending time with him. However, I think being in a serious relationship with him would be like trying to fit into my jeans I bought a few years ago. The idea of wearing them sounds nice, but actually getting them on and walking around would be a bitch and a half. The fantasy is significantly better than the reality of that situation. I value our friendship, but it doesn’t have to be more than that just because I like his face and company.

The moral of this post is that there is no guide for love that will 100% work for everyone because we are all unique and have different needs. Also, don’t be a high-value woman to get a specific man. Be a high-value woman to be the best version of yourself and the right man will come. Lastly, don’t try to make a relationship turn into something it’s not unless you really want to walk around in a pair of pants that make you miserable.


The Best $300 I’ve Ever Spent

pexels-photo-545065I don’t care what anyone else has to say about the matter. Having a session with Rebecca Dawson, a medium, was the best $300 I’ve ever spent. Regardless of whether or not half of it was hocus pocus, though I don’t think it was, the hour long session was worth it. No candles, chants, or crystal balls, just an awesome authentic Australian chick, who channeled like she had been doing this since she popped out of the womb. 

As a result, I feel more confident with where I am and where I’m going. I feel relief. I feel clarity. I learned things about myself that I wouldn’t have been able to know otherwise. I wouldn’t have been able to get answers and clarity if I spent $300 on hair extensions and that souvenir at the Grand Canyon that I just had to have. 

Yes, we all have the answers within and blah dee blah, but getting in there to find the answers can be like trying to put on spanx, blindfolded, in heels. Not that I’ve experienced that scenario, but I’ll pass if I can help it. 

Although I would highly recommend what I did, I’m not putting this out there to turn people into a metaphysics freak like myself, or convince someone that this is what they need. Quite frankly I enjoy writing, so I’d be doing this regardless. However, there is always a purpose to what I do, and a hope it will inspire and help someone in some way. 

The moral of this post is to use your resources to enhance your soul, not your ego. It is to not fear taking chances or spending money if it is something that excites you and will enhance your wellbeing and quality of life. I feel like there should be one more sentence to sum this all up, but this post isn’t about perfection, so I’ll leave it at that. 

Why Network Marketing is Pretty Legit

photo-1539343915366-4da26f7a1f2c“Network marketing? Isn’t that one of those pyramid schemes!?” I picture those words bellowing out of the mouth of a man wearing a wannabe hipster fedora, with a few too many chins, yet I was once thinking the same thing. 

Yes, some network marketing companies have a bad rep for a good reason. News flash: People and places have bad reps for a good reason too, like everything else in this world. However, some people, places, and network marketing companies, are pretty freaking awesome. I’m going to go over a few reasons why people should stop getting their panties in a bunch whenever they hear “network marketing”, and why you may actually want to consider looking into it yourself. 

1: Community and Support 

As humans, we all crave community. We are all looking for support, love, and connection. If you think otherwise, perhaps you’re that guy wearing a wannabe hipster fedora with a lack of discipline. Anyways, some of the most supportive and genuinely caring people I know are/were involved in network marketing. The communities created in this field of work is beyond heartwarming. 

I remember someone I knew, who’s skull was thicker than my thighs after the holidays, said “They’re only your friends because they make money when you do.” 

“Ummm. False you ignorant twat.” I thought to myself as I bit my lip to prevent those words from escaping the safety of my mind. 

Some did, but the majority of them did not. They were just awesomely supportive and loving individuals. To this day, I am still thrilled to know so many lives are being enriched by these loving network marketing communities. 

2: Growth

Regardless of whether or not you’re bathing in a claw foot tub full of diamonds and hundred dollar bills from joining a network marketing company, you will grow as a person, and continue to grow. I’ve learned so much and gained a lot of skills that I still use. Not to mention your bank account can grow significantly as well. 

3: Cash Money 

If you put in the work, you’ll make some serious bank. Key words: Put in the work. If a dude is adding to his collection of chins by watching Dumb and Dumber while eating McDonald’s, he’s not going to be getting any closer to having the type of money to buy an endless supply of new hats and food that didn’t come straight out of a factory farm.

4: Freedom

Woo! Love that word. Freedom to be your own boss, work where you want, make your own hours, and live your life according to you. That’s the life network marketing creates for those who truly pursue that path. I’ve seen it done first hand. 

Even if you’re just the consumer, you’re supporting an entrepreneur, rather than mindlessly clicking some random links online, but that’s besides the point.

Now, is this the path for everyone? Absolutely not! There is not one path that suits everyone. However, I would hate to see someone potentially not go down this path due to fear or ignorance, when it could change their lives for the better. 

For the record, I would absolutely never recommend that one should join a network marketing company that promotes laxatives or insurance if they’re not into that shit (pun intend) However, if you’re into whatever they’re about, why not take a chance to grow? 

How New Year’s Eve Alone Made Me Realize My Wish For You In 2019 And Beyond 

photo-1525373612132-b3e820b87ceaMy friend, who is as unreliable as a soaking wet paper bag, left me to fend for myself NYE. I was only given the news a few hours before we were supposed to meet up… yet again. 

I know it’s how she is, and my other friends think I’m nuts for putting up with it, but I secretly don’t mind plans being cancelled. It’s an excuse to hide away in my humble abode like Rapunzel Before she realized it was kind of fucked up that she was stuck in there. It being NYE made it a harder pill to swallow, but I set out to make the best of if. That I did. 

I adorned my quaint studio with flowers and candles. I thought about my bright future, and how this is just the beginning of a journey where I know the best has yet to come. When the clock struck 12:00 eastern standard time, (Lord knows if I have it my way I’m going to be asleep before 12:00PM) I was meditating on my bed. When my eyes opened to see if 2019 had come, I was welcomed with a text from my mother wishing me the best for the year to come. 23 minutes later, here I am writing.  Doing what I’m passionate about, honing my skills, expressing myself openly and creatively. 

The goal in a day like this is often to do something memorable enough to remember the following year. I’m not going to lie, it was a bit of a wish of mine, and hearing my neighbors roar like someone won the most epic game of Jenga doesn’t help. Will this day go down in my history book as one to reminisce? Negative. However, the better question is, will this day be considered one that nourished my soul? That it will. 

The more we nourish our souls, the more we will have positive and memorable experiences to put in our history books. Often times the best moments are serendipitous anyways. Plus, the objective is to be in the moment, and content with what is. It’s not about trying to tally instagram worthy events. 

This year, I wish for you and myself, peace with what is. I wish us acceptance of every situation handed to us, or thrown in our way. I wish us a love for life, the people we’re surrounded by, and most importantly, a love for ourselves.