Lifestyleblogger – Brooke Lyn Landon

I’m Such a Fucking Hoe, I Love it

Let me get straight into it. I’m such a fucking hoe, I love it. Now, I’m saying that partly because it’s based off of a song, and it’s a banger after a couple drinks. I’m also saying that because it’s kind of true.

Let me clarify. I’m not hooking up with a new boy toy every day. I still have standards. Plus, I’m not about to chase people down. I’m not desperate. That said, if the opportunity arises, yolo!

Yeah, I’d like a relationship, but I’m not going to sit here twiddling my thumbs with cobwebs between my legs waiting until it happens. I’m going to live my best life, and see what’s out there in the meantime.

I feel like this topic is so taboo. Exploring your sensuality has been made out to seem like you’re the next Charlie Sheen. Really, it’s a way to grow and learn more about yourself when done for the sake of exploration and enjoyment, and not just for a release or to fill a void.

It’s not always enjoyable. Last month, bless his heart, I was with a guy who was as vanilla as vanilla extract. Another time, someone talked a big game. Then, it was so underwhelming, the game he talked about ended up being more like elementary school baseball.

However, I’ve also been pleasantly surprised. Not just physically, but mentally as well. I’ve learned more about what I’d like in a future partner, and shared great memories. I wouldn’t be surprised if one of those guys is reading this now.

Side note: Though there’s no shame in being hoeish, I still feel the need to clarify that I’m not quite as hoeish as I’m making myself out to be right now. I think “free spirited” and “open minded” is a more accurate description. However, I’m such a fucking hoe, I love it, has a ring to it, and it’s not wrong. Anyways, let’s get back to it.

Regardless of whether you walk away with a glow and pep in your step, or an eye roll and a shrug, you’re always learning more about what you want and what you don’t want. Not just sexually, but also what you want in a person, partner, and yourself. Don’t be afraid to explore your sensuality. If you’re not into that, and want to wait for your future partner, that’s cool too. If you want to be a fucking hoe, I love it.

PS BE SAFE!

What the Fuck is Going to Happen

Have you ever thought “What the fuck will my future look like? What the fuck is going to happen? When will I settle down enough to become a fur mama and get an Italian Greyhound?” Maybe not those exact words. You could be a cat person, in which case I would mildly judge you. Anyways, I certainly have thought that.

Sometimes, those thoughts make me curious, creative, and joyful. Thinking about what could be can be exciting. However, there are days where those same thoughts have me feeling as melancholy as Bo Jack Horseman, minus the drug abuse and alcoholism. Thankfully the future currently excites me, but how the fuck can the same thoughts make us feel completely different from day to day, and can we do anything about it?

The answer to the latter is, with practice, yes. I’m not saying by doing the following you will be skipping around like Dorothy down the Yellow Brick Road. That said, there are ways to help. And yes, it’s been scientifically proven, so I’m not talking out my ass.

You might say you’ve heard this before, but bare with me because this blog is still funny af and worth the read. The answer is breathe. Breathing deeply and consciously will recalibrate your nervous system, which will bring you more emotional stability. You don’t need to stop feeling like Bo Jack Horseman, but it will help, so breathe.

Now why do we sometimes feel good about a subject, when the week prior we were walking around like Bridget Jones on a bad day, thinking about the same thing? Well, I’m no saint and don’t have all the answers, but I have an idea. Our nervous system is fucked from our repetitive toxic thoughts or actions that aren’t in our best interest. So breathe, reset, and appreciate your ability to take positive actions.

Ultimately our feelings on any subject have nothing to do with the actual topic and hand. It’s our nervous system which is out of alignment due to our negative emotional state of being. Our state of being is a mixture of our past programming, and our conscious or unconscious practiced habits. However, we also have our freewill in the present moment to choose how we will take action and respond in any given situation. To use our freewill to breath, and practice that habit, we can take back our power. So if you ever worry about what the fuck is going to happen next, just breathe. Wow, talk about getting deep and preachy. But hey, if you’ve made it this far, you must have been entertained, so my work here is done.

Is it Destiny or a Total Mindfuck

I’m sure you’ve heard of the words destiny and freewill, yes? Well, is it just me, or is that a total mindfuck? Is my life destined to pan out a certain way? Can I fuck around however I want, and because I wasn’t a total dick in a past life, things will be Gucci? Or, is it my freewill that creates my fate? I’m about to get deep, with a side of sarcasm and sailors tongue, as I try to uncover this conundrum.

Before I get into my thoughts on the matter, I want to preface with the fact that I take everything I believe with a grain of salt. Who am I to say that out of 7 billion people on this planet, all of my beliefs are better or more accurate than everybody else’s? Do I still think I’m right? Naturally. Am I open to being wrong? No. Haha just kidding. Obviously I am.

Now that that’s out of the way, I believe life is like the Google Maps GPS. There are a few destinations that are important to make for our evaluation on earth, but if we choose to go down a path that wasn’t suggested, the system, or our inner compass, will reroute. Then, maybe you’ll see the recalibrated path and roll your eyes while clenching your fists like the Arthur meme. Or, perhaps if you looked at it through a more conscious lens, you’ll see the growth and beauty in the journey. Who knows, maybe your freewill could give you a lottery win or a sugar daddy. That also could just be my wishful thinking talking right now.

Have you ever felt like Google Maps took you the most shit way to your destination? I’m pretty sure I’ve sworn to never use it again several times. Well, life kinda does that to you too. Freewill contributes to the way you interpret these scenarios. You can choose to be a little bitch about it (No judgment here, I’ve been that bitch) or you can learn from it while simultaneously acknowledging and accepting your feelings.

Now, was it destiny that my friend Elise met Kavin on our night out in Hanoi, Vietnam? Well, at first it looked like it would be more of a shit show than anything. He seemed like a nice guy, but after all of the other guys swooning over her, I didn’t think she’d go for the one hammered out of his mind, constantly raving about Ed Sheeran. I remember it like it was a month ago. Oh wait, that’s because it was. Now he stayed in Vietnam for her and they fucking live together. Oddly enough, I don’t think it was a coincidence. They’ve met and their lives will forever be different. For fucks sake, the dude moved to Vietnam, so of course it will be. Maybe he recalibrated the GPS using his freewill, but their paths were destined to cross at this time. Why, I’m still not sure, but I love it.

What should you believe? It doesn’t fucking matter. What matters is if you make a choice, you listen to your gut and follow your joy. What matters is that the places life takes you, whether you call it destiny, or a mindfuck, embrace it and take the lessons they bring.

I’m not sure if the mystery of this mindfuck called life was solved, but opening topics like this up for discussion is important and thought provoking. At the end of the day, idgaf. I had fun and hopefully you enjoyed reading it too.

Bad and Boujee

Urban dictionary defines boujee as.”High class, flossin’, ballin’, One who posesses swag. Always on fashion trends. Elite, rich.” Right now, I’m getting a $4 pedicure in Hanoi, Vietnam, and am bra-less, in a shirt I bought in Thailand for $5. I’m also rocking $12 sweat pants I got in Japan because I didn’t want to do the walk of shame in my booty shorts from the night before. Yet, I’m still feeling Bad and Boujee.

Whatever you’re feeling has very little to do with what’s happening outside of yourself. Certainly, getting a pedicure while sipping tea is a big contributing factor to me feeling badass and boujee af, but it ultimately it is how you interpret life internally that sets the tone for the way you feel. If a lad roasts me for my ballsy outfit, I have a few options. One option is to be a little bitch and change clothes. Or, I can think he’s just not as innovative, creative, confident, or badass as I am, and continue my bad and boujee feels.

Outside influences can so easily deter us from feeling our best. We’re accustomed to comparing ourselves to the limiting constructs that our society has inflicted on us. It’s all make believe, and we’ve done it to ourselves. As in, we believe something so much that it makes the reality we perceive. hence the word make believe. We make it believable.

I’ve been feeling somewhat insecure at times. I’m constantly surrounded by beautiful people that are nearly a decade younger than I am. I’ve compared myself to other girls and felt like if I searched “past their prime” into google images, my picture would be there. But I’m fucking fire. Inside and out I am perfectly imperfect and I love it. I’m beautiful. You’re beautiful. Beauty comes in every form, and it’s what we make ourselves believe that will determine if we feel bad and boujee or just strait up bad.

I’m not here preaching like I’m peachy all of the time and life always feels good. I get sad. Things irritate me. Earlier, I felt like rolling my eyes the moment anyone tried to talk to me because I was peopled out, and didn’t want to deal with humans. However, the opportunity for change always exists. I don’t know about you, but I’m choosing to consciously make my life a fairy tale, and it’s titled Bad and Boujee. Who’s with me?

Getting Roasted on the Daily

I’m thoroughly enjoying my time living in Vietnam. I love what I’m doing, the freedom I have, and the community around me. Still, I’m getting roasted on the daily.

You come across a countless array of personalities and characteristics while living in a hostel. I meet some people who’s words are as smooth as gravel. A few times, I would rather have eaten gravel than endure the pain of listening to them try to entertain an obviously unamused audience. Most of the time however, I’m meeting people that I enjoy getting to know, and am fascinated by their ways of life and stories. Not only is everyone uniquely different, but every culture and country from around the world has different forms of bonding, humor, insults, cursing, and so on. Often times, the joke someone said about you that you want to vent in your journal about later, is actually a sign of friendship, or a form of endearment.

A few people roast me harder than the abs of Cristiano Renaldo. Sometimes I live for it, and sometimes I live for the moment they stop talking. It doesn’t help that I’m rooming with a guy as ruthless as Loki, the trickster God. Though if you ask me, he’s more like a devil. (I’m mildly joking, Brady)

What I have found interesting is my responses. With some people, I fire back words faster than a pro frat boy shotgunning a beer. I’m witty, funny, and always ready to come back with more. With others, it’s as though my ability to form any structured sentence vanishes into an abyss. Maybe my responses from person to person varies because every relationship or group has a different dynamic. Or, perhaps it’s my level of comfortability, although I wouldn’t say I’ve ever been uncomfortable per se.

Regardless, it’s all fucking hilarious. If you can’t laugh at yourself, how the hell you gunna laugh about something else? That last sentence was suppose to be an imitation of Rupauls “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gunna love somebody else.” but if you didn’t know that, my reference may have gotten lost in translation.

Anyways, it’s all in good fun. I think it’s important to toughen up your skin while lifting up your spirit. That’s regardless of whether I’m able to come back with a vengeance, or stand there like the criminals in Scooby Doo once they’ve been caught. It could look like they’re out to get me, or I could see they’re taking a piss and it’s funny af. I choose the latter, and will continue to thoroughly enjoy my time in Vietnam.

What it was like to be in a Bathhouse in a Foreign Country

Originally I had little interest in going to an onsen when I was in Japan. I can’t imagine many people blaming me for not wanting to get butt ass naked, and bathe with strangers, after having spent the last several months shoveling food in my face like a squirrel getting ready for hibernation. Still, I put my big girl panties on… or should I say took off, and headed to the bathhouse.

A Sesame Street game might seem irrelevant to my experience at a bathhouse in Japan, but it gives a great visual representation of my life at that time. In this game, they place several items down. One of which is clearly out of place. For example, an apple, an orange, and a squirrel. Then, they begin to sing “One of these things don’t belong with the other.” and the child has to guess which it is. You see where I’m going with this? When I was in the onsen in Japan, I was the squirrel.

It’s safe to say I’m not your typical petite Asian chick. Yeah, I’m 5 foot nothing, but that doesn’t mean my love handles and thic thighs instantly vanish like my self esteem did in middle school. Granted, I have no problem with the way my legs are, minus chafing on a hot summer day, but again, I was the squirrel.

At first my mind raced faster than my heart after I think someone might have accidentally seen a risqué photo in my camera roll. My thoughts consisted of… They’ll all stare. There is no way they’ll miss my cellulite and that upper back roll that I see slightly beginning to appear. Will they think I’m a greedy fat ass who has no self control?

Then, I entered the locker room. Crystal chandeliers adorned the ceilings. The relaxing spa music and cleanliness instantly gave me a sense of tranquility. All fear vanished and I was filled with curiosity and joy. Whether I felt that way simply because of the ambiance, or more so because I was on a high from feeling bougie af, is still yet to be determined.

I certainly compared the women’s naked bodies around me and saw the many differences. Obviously not in like a creepy sexual way. I felt more and more at ease as I saw the beauty in all of our differences and especially when I noticed people were not staring at me like I was the squirrel.

The baths themselves were so relaxing and beyond what I had imagined. From hot baths and cold baths, to lying down baths and silk baths, I tried them all with peace and fulfillment. It was hands down one of the highlights of my trip.

That’s not to say insecurities didn’t arise. I’m sure there was a moment I wish I hadn’t had that Pad Thái binging spree in Thailand. At the end of the day, that’s insignificant compared to the happiness, acceptance, and triumph I felt when it was all said and done.

To think I almost let that experience slip away makes me more determined to go beyond my fears and insecurities in the future. If there is one take away from this that trumps the rest, it’s don’t let the fact you feel like a squirrel stop you from an experience you’ll grow from. Also, if your ever near a bathhouse, just get your ass naked and have fun with it.