lifestyle – Brooke Lyn Landon

Changing My Life, Again

It feels like every planet imaginable is in retrograde, and I broke a mirror while walking under a ladder with a black cat in front of me. The apartment of my dreams slipped through my fingers, and I don’t know where I’m going to live in a week. While the prices of living in LA constantly make me feel like I need to get a “real” job or sugar daddy ASAP, the stubborn free spirit within screams, “ I LIKE FREEDOM AND BABY FACES!”

As some of you may recall, about six weeks ago I said I was going to change my life. Through meditation, affirmations and self discipline, I was determined to improve myself and my life. Well, so much for that. To be fair, I had many triumphs during that time, especially with insights on my relationships and setting boundaries. However, this last week shit hit the fan and it’s time for changing my life take 2…. Or take 973,694,761.

So, what went wrong? Nothing. Everything is as it should be. Yet, it feels like absolute SHIT. Why? Maybe because comedians love to suffer on the DL? idk. In all seriousness, I feel like a big part of my work in this lifetime is self mastery. The ADHD, depression, anxiety, addictions, and plethora of other goodies my hand was dealt in this lifetime, is really a royal flush.

It’s like getting socks for Christmas from Santa. When you’re a kid you’re like “God damnit why the fuck did Santa go to Costco for these off white socks when I asked for a slutty Bratz Doll??” Then, years later, you get socks and smile while the Bratz doll would have gotten a buzz cut and thrown in the trash years ago.

This is my path, and my sensitive bitch ass will find my success no matter how many takes I need. I will find my success because of these challenges I move though. They are not here to try to stop me, but to heal me. These obstacles are opportunities for the self mastery I was designed to experience and transcend. Take 2 (or 973,694,761) starts now.

Passing My Prime

photo-1522263842439-347f062b8475 Have you ever had a moment where you’ve felt you passed your prime? Maybe you wanted to run that marathon, but ever since you’ve reached your late 20’s, each day your body has increasingly resembled Benjamin Button at birth. Or, perhaps you’ve been fearful about the day those hot college kids next door would no longer see you as desirable? Asking for a friend… Well, I had my moment yesterday.

I was probably shoveling something in my mouth I’d regret later, as I finished up Sunday dinner with my friends. Prior to cleaning the leftovers off the table with my face, I talked about my passions for writing, and standup comedy. “Why don’t you try TikTok?” my friend said. I glared through his lenses, into his eyes, like he was about to take the last pastry on the table. Me? Nearly 29-year-old me, downloading an app saturated with girls so tiny, it looks like I just ate them for dinner? Watching my video after theirs would be like a “Then and now” clip of Macauley Culkin.

Thanks, but I’ll pass, was my initial thought. Why? Because my thoughts were telling me I’m too old for that. I’ve passed my prime and I should consider picking up embroidery and invest in a nice rocking chair. It’s just some teenybopper trend and I have better ways to spend my time. Maybe I will adopt a bunch of cats or learn to bake banana bread instead.

I caught myself in the act of self destruction disguised as protection. Who says I’ve passed my prime? Who says TikTok couldn’t be an avenue for me to express my creativity and learn new skills? No, I’m not talking about dance skills. I will continue to leave that for the teenyboppers.

Truth is, I haven’t passed my prime. I might have to come to terms with my metabolism working against me at this point, but on every other level, mental, spiritual, etc., I’ve never been stronger. Every day I am more prepared for the next. Every month I learn new things. Every year I become better and wiser.

The best has yet to come. It’s a mindset more than anything. The future is uncertain, but malleable. You can choose if your life becomes a five star romantic comedy, or a box office bomb. I almost want to cringe because I might as well be holding a sign that says “Live, Laugh, Love” with a Starbucks Frappuccino in the other hand, but I’m not wrong.

My dad is nearly 70 and has never been more successful in his career. He’s one of the happiest guys I know. His motto? “I’m excellent and better all the time.” Speaking of cringy… But hey, whatever works! My friend’s dad is nearly a decade younger, and has created a permanent indentation in the couch while he counts down the minutes until he can retire from the job he hates. His motto is probably “You smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.” Pretty sure he thinks he passed his prime in High school.

The moral of this post is that wherever you are, you haven’t past your prime. You are at your prime because you’ve never known more than you do in this moment. Don’t waste your prime telling yourself that where you are isn’t good enough, or can’t take you to where you want to go. Time will continue to “tik” until it’s out, so remember you’re in your prime and make the most of it. Give this a like if you’re at your prime too!

If you haven’t guessed, I made a TikTok account, so make me happy and add @brookelynlandon

My Quarantine Fling

97A43137-7FF7-4CD2-9118-1B04ABDC7FC5 Desperate times call for desperate measures. I had been so occupied over the last few weeks, that I hadn’t thought to open a dating app. Fast forward two days into quarantine, and it didn’t take long for that to change. I was on the lookout for another decent human being to talk about this crazy thing called life, and possibly talk about it in person when this whole fiasco was over.

I saw Tinders flame icon light up, and I knew a message was waiting for me to heavily judge. “Heyy! What’s up? Xx”

Not very original, but brownie points for initiating and closing with “Xx” (Foreigners love ending messages like that, and I’m not complaining.) It didn’t hurt that he was good looking and likely had a South African accent based off of my superb detective skills. Okay, maybe the fact that he had an emoji of the South African flag in his bio helped. Overall, I gave him an 7.8 out of 10 on first impressions. The fact that he was 6 years younger did not affect the score.

I replied with a cute animal GIF saying hi, followed by “Living that quarantine life. How about yourself?”

I was being a little extra considering it was only day two of quarantine. Little did he know I was lounging on my couch half naked all day, having the time of my life.

“Me too literally” he said.

By literally, he meant literally. The day he had his flight to come back to Vietnam from Thailand, was the day that every single passenger entering the country had to go straight into a quarantine camp for 14 days. He had 5 more days left until he’d be free.

We talked all day, and by night we moved over to WhatsApp. For those who don’t know, once you move a conversation to WhatsApp, it means this will probably lead to getting laid. But how to meet up during a lockdown? Well, if I’m going to risk not social distancing with someone, you best believe it’s with a guy who’s coming directly from a quarantine camp, to my apartment. So after 5 more days of messaging, that’s what happened.

Once we finally met, he gave me a hug, and I tried to pretend I wasn’t only thinking about how I wished he put hand sanitizer on before he touched me. We had a great time that night, and shared a lot of stories and laughs. The only awkward part was when I forgot I had made plans to FaceTime my dad, and the phone started to ring. He hid outside as I hobbled around to find clothes like Gollum from Lord Of The Rings had one too many drinks the night before.

He went back home the following day. The quarantine camp is not far from me, but where he lives is. I wouldn’t blame him or be surprised if this just stayed a quarantine fling. I thoroughly enjoyed our time together, but I’m not driving 45 minutes to see his ass, so why should I expect the same from him? (He did have a cute ass though.)

Overall, I rate the experience higher than a 7.8. I must say that from living in isolation for the past week, I had forgotten how great face to face human interaction would be during a time like this. It was just what the doctor ordered. In actuality, quite the contrary, but that’s what it felt like. Now back to my regular quarantine life of embroidery and half assed workouts.

Why You Shouldn’t Tell Someone Who Uses Dating Apps To Meet People Organically Instead

I couldn’t even count the amount of times I’ve heard people talk shit about dating apps, or try to tell someone why they should meet people “organically” instead. I’m no saint, I’ve called Tinder trash multiple times. Still, I’d never tell someone not to take a chance and try it, nor should you.

I went to 10 National Parks during an epic road trip with a guy I met through Bumble. Obviously that trip wasn’t on our first meet up, but if it was, you’d have my permission to heavily judge my sanity. I connected with another person from that app while in Japan, and we’ve talked almost every day for the past several months. I’m starting a business with someone else I met on Tinder. No joke. I’m also currently looking forward to a new date I have tomorrow because he’s been playing his cards right. We even transitioned from the dating app over to WhatsApp, which for those who don’t know, that means shits about to get real. Not to mention my best friend met her boyfriend of 5 years from a dating app.

Now, I’m not saying it’s all rainbows and butterflies. I’ve been utterly underwhelmed. I have spent many hours having small talk that lead to no meetups and would have preferred hearing nails against a chalkboard over wasting my time entertaining them. I’ve also been borderline cat fished considering his pictures were not at all a representation of what he looked like. If he didn’t tell me what he was wearing and waved when he saw me, I would have just assumed he was a random, unfortunate, and unattractive human. Damn, that’s harsh, but I would have kept that to myself if I didn’t feel deceived, so that’s my excuse for sounding like a heartless bitch.

Regardless, they’ve all taught me something. It doesn’t matter if it turns into a meaningful friendship, a romantic relationship, or brief encounter. They’ve all made me more clear of the kind of man I’m looking for, and the woman I have to be to match that.

Yes, meeting people organically is great, but why not open up our options to new and exciting experiences? There are plenty of fish in the sea, so why not put more fishing nets in there? There’s nothing to lose if it’s either a good time, or lessons learned. Not to mention, those nets will reach places a fishing rod can’t, which is to say there are some people who you wouldn’t meet otherwise. Maybe one does yoga, but the other goes to a boxing studio, and they have no mutual friends, etc. Dating apps might not seem “organic” but in the world we’re living in, what really is anymore?

I’ve heard plenty of comments made about my usage of dating apps.

“You’re going on another date?!”

Yes Susan, while you’re watching The Notebook alone for the one thousandth time, sobbing into your giant carton of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, I’ll be having a new experience. Ideally free food or drinks too. If you don’t want to use an app or don’t have the time, do you boo, but don’t go around shaming people for having the courage to put themselves out there.

I’m here to tell you that you deserve to make connections to help you grow and have fun. I’m not saying a dating app is the only way for that to happen, but it is one way. That one way shouldn’t make you feel shameful or less than in any way. If anything, I feel like a badass boss babe for showing up and making moves to have new adventures and connections.

If someone wants to use a dating app, let them do their thing without your two cents saying another way is the “right way”. If you’ve been wanting to use one but need that extra nudge to get the ball rolling, take this as a sign and enjoy the ride! The journey that is… not the kind of ride often associated with Tinder meetups. I’ll shut up now.

When Tinder Meets Serendipity

I was on my way to Bites and Veggies. I wasn’t nervous, but I was curious about the outcome of our date as I heard the heels of my boots hit the pavement. When I saw him, I was relieved that he looked better in person, and he wasn’t an 80 year old cat lady trying to catfish me. My initial thoughts after our first minute together was “Alright, he seems chill, so this should be fine.”

Sometimes, people will come into your life just when you need them most. Sometimes what you think will be a dick appointment will turn into a friendship that will last for years to come. Or, you’ll meet someone who will have the perfect words to say to you during a difficult time of your life. Sometimes, it happens from the most unlikely circumstances. Sometimes, it’s Tinder.

I was swiping through Tinder, which I barely use because I think Tinder is trash compared to Bumble, but that’s besides the point. Something caught my eye. It was Gary V, an entrepreneur and idol of mine. So, I paused to see who’s profile it was. I figured if he’s in a picture with Gary, he can’t be all that bad. I swiped right, and it was a match.

He didn’t seem particularly funny or my type. However, something made me curious about him, even though he sent unsolicited dick pics way too soon. Maybe it was his entrepreneurial spirit, or his spirituality. Regardless, I felt like taking a chance against my friends will.

He wanted to come straight to my apartment to drop his bag off, but first I had to make sure I didn’t get serial killer vibes. So instead, we agreed to get lunch. From our brief online interaction, he was confident, and at least normal enough to have a decent conversation. Yet, I still new better than to be totally sure about that.

I never thought three days after we met, we’d be lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, talking about how we can’t believe our tinder meetup turned into a deep and meaningful friendship. Within the few weeks he’s been traveling through Vietnam, we each went through some really challenging times in both of our personal lives. It truly feels like the universe orchestrated this encounter to give us the support and bond we needed. Not only to help us, but reward us as well.

From heartbreaks to perceived failures, we opened up about everything. We showed our vulnerability and authenticity. I talked about my insecurities and he gave me strength and solutions. He shared his hardships and I gave him support and comfort.

This is not a situation where I picture him putting a ring on it and a white picket fence in our future. He’s family now… and no, I’m not into incest. Although If I’m being totally honest, if I had a couple drinks in me, he wouldn’t look like family for long.

People come into our lives for a reason whether we see it or not. Sometimes it’s more obvious and meaningful than others. The more we are aware of this, and open ourselves up to different possibilities and connections, the more we can receive and learn from each other.

Currently, he’s visiting one last time before he heads back home to the other side of the world. Some things are meant to be short and sweet, but this won’t be a goodbye. It’s a see you later.

From Suicidal to Success

This topic is heavy, but I know you’ve all got some muscles and can pick up what I’m about to put down. Depression and suicide is no joke, but it’s in my blood to shed light on hardships and not take anything too seriously. Without further ado, here’s life from suicidal to superb.

I remember lying on my stomach, over my floral bedding, while googling “How to tie a noose.” The flowers on my blanket looked like a watercolor painting from my tears. In other words, I was depressed as shit, and wanted to put an end to all of the suffering if that was not clear enough. That was me at 16 years old.

In between then and now, there were plenty highs and lows. When diagnosed with a-typical depression at a young age, something as small as dropping a pencil could send me on a downward spiral. Needless to say, if something not so pleasant actually happened, my lows were lower than the pants of a rapper in the early 2000s. That said, my highs felt that much sweeter because that meant I came so far. Now, not only am I at a high, but because of how I’ve gotten here over the years, my lows will never be as bad.

No matter where we are, life is ever changing. When someone is at a low, don’t forget that it’s an opportunity for healing and ascension, and there’s light at the end of every tunnel. Okay, maybe not literally if there’s a tunnel with an actual dead end, but you get the point. Life doesn’t have dead ends though, just detours. But those detours help us become who we are because of how we walk through that path.

Back in 2016, I crashed my car in Santa Barbara, California, while on my way up the coast. It wasn’t a “Whoopsy, my bad” type of crash. It was more like a frame from a zombie apocalypse movie, when everyone’s trying to flee from those freaky dudes, and shit goes haywire. It looked like the manifestation of my internal thoughts. My mind was a total shit show, and now so was my car. I was so uncertain of my life and future. I was full of confusion and anxiety, which was also the catalyst of a serious relapse at the time to top it all off.

Two weeks later, I was sitting on a bench in the backyard of my uncle’s acquaintances house, who so graciously took me in for a few weeks as my car got fixed. I starred off into her garden and had a moment of clarity. I saw how I let my circumstances continue to affect my mindset, and it was up to me to change this downward spiral. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel and chose to walk towards the light with diligence.

My mantra became “Everything is always working out for me.” Reframe from categorizing that as some new aged, airy fairy bull. I repeated that mantra every time I caught myself thinking negatively. I believed there was something in all of my perceived chaos that was helping me in some way. A few weeks later, everything fell into place like magic, and I found peace.

Our circumstances and hardships do not define us. It’s our resilience and ability to let life take us to the light at the end of the tunnel that builds us. Don’t give thanks to those hardships because they don’t deserve our attention. We deserve to thank ourselves for moving beyond them.

That bedding adorned with my 16 year old tears no longer lies beneath me. Now, I’m on my stomach over the fresh linens of a bed in a 4 star hotel, traveling the world. Will I be on a high forever? Absolutely not. Do I now always see the light and walk towards it with faith in my ability to become better from a detour? Fuck yes.

I Will Never Try Again

I remember constantly feeling like the chick in that viral meme, looking confused, with complex calculations on a blackboard behind her. I was always trying to figure out what I should do and what steps to take next. On the outside I’m sure I held it relatively together, but inside I was shabby chic without the chic.

When I started solo backpacking the world, I set out with absolutely no timeline or itinerary. Even the thought of trying to plan out all the logistics had me more stressed than Jim Carey in Liar Liar. So, I just showed up everyday to see where the world wanted to take me.

I stopped trying and started being. My being didn’t always know what I was doing, or even where I’d sleep the next night, but life always worked itself out. Heck, I ended up staying in a strangers empty apartment so I could have a free place to stay in Japan. It made for a great adventure and story, but I am now realizing I’m causing my mom some serious emotional distress because she likely has just read about this questionable life choice I made. But hey, I’ve made it this far without really trying, so I must be doing something right.

From the start of my travels, life has taken me to places I never in a million thought I’d be. I never could have planned or tried to make it happen myself. Opportunities presented themselves to me effortlessly. I used my gut instead of my logic and now I’m getting paid to travel the world. Like breadcrumbs leading to a gingerbread house, I’ve followed the path life made for me instead of trying to make a path, and then starving because I had no bread to eat. I’ve made better metaphors, but you get the point.

I’ll never try to get to a gingerbread house though. Why? Because as cliche as this sounds, it’s about the journey, not the destination. That’s because life is one big never ending journey. When you try to find the gingerbread house through forced effort, that evil bitch of a witch that lives in the gingerbread house will stop you in your tracks, and point you in a different direction.

Now don’t get me wrong, some things you certainly need to try to do. Like to get good grades, you need to try, and you need to use your logic. I tried and used my logic to cheat as often as possible, but I made it to the high honor roll every semester, so no regrets. Nonetheless, I had to try to find the way to beat the system. As for Josh Rosenberg, the only person who was always ahead of me on the honor roll, he actually tried through hard work to get those grades. What this post is about isn’t that kind of trying though.

I guess what I’m talking about is getting into the flow of life and trusting it. It comes down to using your gut instead of logic. It’s being instead of trying. It’s allowing instead of forcing.

I’m sure I’ll try again at some point. As much as I don’t want to, it’s only natural to have some challenges that throw you off your game, and make you feel like you need to control your life. That said, I will never try again so long as I can help it.

I’m Such a Fucking Hoe, I Love it

Let me get straight into it. I’m such a fucking hoe, I love it. Now, I’m saying that partly because it’s based off of a song, and it’s a banger after a couple drinks. I’m also saying that because it’s kind of true.

Let me clarify. I’m not hooking up with a new boy toy every day. I still have standards. Plus, I’m not about to chase people down. I’m not desperate. That said, if the opportunity arises, yolo!

Yeah, I’d like a relationship, but I’m not going to sit here twiddling my thumbs with cobwebs between my legs waiting until it happens. I’m going to live my best life, and see what’s out there in the meantime.

I feel like this topic is so taboo. Exploring your sensuality has been made out to seem like you’re the next Charlie Sheen. Really, it’s a way to grow and learn more about yourself when done for the sake of exploration and enjoyment, and not just for a release or to fill a void.

It’s not always enjoyable. Last month, bless his heart, I was with a guy who was as vanilla as vanilla extract. Another time, someone talked a big game. Then, it was so underwhelming, the game he talked about ended up being more like elementary school baseball.

However, I’ve also been pleasantly surprised. Not just physically, but mentally as well. I’ve learned more about what I’d like in a future partner, and shared great memories. I wouldn’t be surprised if one of those guys is reading this now.

Side note: Though there’s no shame in being hoeish, I still feel the need to clarify that I’m not quite as hoeish as I’m making myself out to be right now. I think “free spirited” and “open minded” is a more accurate description. However, I’m such a fucking hoe, I love it, has a ring to it, and it’s not wrong. Anyways, let’s get back to it.

Regardless of whether you walk away with a glow and pep in your step, or an eye roll and a shrug, you’re always learning more about what you want and what you don’t want. Not just sexually, but also what you want in a person, partner, and yourself. Don’t be afraid to explore your sensuality. If you’re not into that, and want to wait for your future partner, that’s cool too. If you want to be a fucking hoe, I love it.

PS BE SAFE!

Is it Destiny or a Total Mindfuck

I’m sure you’ve heard of the words destiny and freewill, yes? Well, is it just me, or is that a total mindfuck? Is my life destined to pan out a certain way? Can I fuck around however I want, and because I wasn’t a total dick in a past life, things will be Gucci? Or, is it my freewill that creates my fate? I’m about to get deep, with a side of sarcasm and sailors tongue, as I try to uncover this conundrum.

Before I get into my thoughts on the matter, I want to preface with the fact that I take everything I believe with a grain of salt. Who am I to say that out of 7 billion people on this planet, all of my beliefs are better or more accurate than everybody else’s? Do I still think I’m right? Naturally. Am I open to being wrong? No. Haha just kidding. Obviously I am.

Now that that’s out of the way, I believe life is like the Google Maps GPS. There are a few destinations that are important to make for our evaluation on earth, but if we choose to go down a path that wasn’t suggested, the system, or our inner compass, will reroute. Then, maybe you’ll see the recalibrated path and roll your eyes while clenching your fists like the Arthur meme. Or, perhaps if you looked at it through a more conscious lens, you’ll see the growth and beauty in the journey. Who knows, maybe your freewill could give you a lottery win or a sugar daddy. That also could just be my wishful thinking talking right now.

Have you ever felt like Google Maps took you the most shit way to your destination? I’m pretty sure I’ve sworn to never use it again several times. Well, life kinda does that to you too. Freewill contributes to the way you interpret these scenarios. You can choose to be a little bitch about it (No judgment here, I’ve been that bitch) or you can learn from it while simultaneously acknowledging and accepting your feelings.

Now, was it destiny that my friend Elise met Kavin on our night out in Hanoi, Vietnam? Well, at first it looked like it would be more of a shit show than anything. He seemed like a nice guy, but after all of the other guys swooning over her, I didn’t think she’d go for the one hammered out of his mind, constantly raving about Ed Sheeran. I remember it like it was a month ago. Oh wait, that’s because it was. Now he stayed in Vietnam for her and they fucking live together. Oddly enough, I don’t think it was a coincidence. They’ve met and their lives will forever be different. For fucks sake, the dude moved to Vietnam, so of course it will be. Maybe he recalibrated the GPS using his freewill, but their paths were destined to cross at this time. Why, I’m still not sure, but I love it.

What should you believe? It doesn’t fucking matter. What matters is if you make a choice, you listen to your gut and follow your joy. What matters is that the places life takes you, whether you call it destiny, or a mindfuck, embrace it and take the lessons they bring.

I’m not sure if the mystery of this mindfuck called life was solved, but opening topics like this up for discussion is important and thought provoking. At the end of the day, idgaf. I had fun and hopefully you enjoyed reading it too.

What my Tears are Telling me

A1678493-DAF1-4FF4-92BC-8ADE68B23172 I cried twice this month in the course of 9 days. prior to those episodes, it had been months since I shed a tear. Not if you’re counting things like emotional animal rescue video clips I ignorantly click on my Facebook newsfeed. And no, my breakdowns were not because I was pmsing and they didn’t have any chocolate I liked at a nearby convenient store or some shit. It’s a multitude of things, but when I break it down, it becomes more clear.

You see, I’ve been high on life for so long. Living it up, staying up late, eating shitty but delicious food, and drinking. “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” has been my motto these days, and I’m constantly around and entertaining others without giving myself time to recharge. It’s like forgetting to charge my phone, and then getting frustrated at my phone for not letting me check if my bumble match responded when it runs out of battery. I have to take responsibility for the consequences of my actions while simultaneously acknowledging the signs these struggles are teaching me. It’s more than partying too hard and living my best life. It’s my body and mind sending me signals that I need to tend to myself. Change needs to happen.

As I’ve said before, chaos is creation, and there is nothing but beauty in these breakdowns because I know they’re happening for me, not to me. More sleep and more me time is essential right now. The struggle is real now that my internal clock has been completely fucked from this new life, but I’m working on it.

When there’s an ebb in the flow of life, it’s also important to express yourself. To say I’ve been bottling my feelings up like a beer can tossed around by a frat boy would be an understatement. I have some of the best friends one could ask for, but I am not one to talk to them often when I’m far away. Partially I don’t reach out because that entails filling them in on my life. way too fucking much has happened for me to succinctly go through all my crazy adventures, hookups, and questionable life choices. I wouldn’t dare tell my mom when I feel like this. If I coughed or sneezed on the phone, she would probably assume I had dangue fever with a 10% chance of survival, so I don’t want to give her heart palpitations by telling her my mental state has seen better days. The people here listen to enough of my shit, so I don’t want to blab more about how exhausted I am. To be honest, it’s almost like I forgot how to ask or get support. I wasn’t expressing what I needed to in order to feel heard, understood, or supported. So instead, that left me feeling alone, even in a room full of people.

This post isn’t being written so you will reach out saying some “You can always talk to me” etc. etc. That’s nice and all, but it’s more being written as my outlet to get what’s inside of me out. It’s letting the world know it’s okay to not be okay because that’s creation. It’s a reminder to us all that it’s beautiful to have a body that can tell us it’s time for a shift.

Now it’s time to ask how I can sustain this fun and exciting life in a more realistic, healthy way. What practices and self care do I need to implement to have my ebbs turn to flows before the waterworks begin. I’ve done the work to get my answers and am getting my flow back. Now all I need is some melatonin.