The only break I got from my living nightmare, was when I was asleep. My eating disorder consumed me. “When will I eat next? What will I eat? How will I be incognito when the lunch lady clearly sees me grabbing my 6th cookie? I already have a rivalry with her, so fuck it. Plus, I can just have Alexis get me more. God damnit, how dare they take so long in the bathroom. The audacity. I need to be alone in there. If only I was thinner… “ something along those lines was the loop that played on repeat in my head.
To think I used to live that way is almost surreal. The severe amount of anxiety and imprisonment I felt in my own body and mind became second nature. The double life I had to live sucked the life out of me, but I couldn’t even tell. I was able to fool myself and everyone around me.
“Wow, how can you eat so much and be so skinny? Do you have a super fast metabolism or something? You’re so lucky!” Said an acquaintance that I reluctantly agreed could accompany me one day. Meanwhile, she only was watching me eat the last quarter of my meal. Although I was thrilled she called me skinny, her even noticing my eating habits made me want to mush the rest of my ice cream in her face.
It was like I was in an abusive relationship with ED, my eating disorder. I didn’t want anyone to acknowledge it was happening, or make me remember that it was a toxic relationship.
“ED is always there for me. ED comforts me everyday. Yes, ED is controlling, manipulative, and causes me mental and physical pain, but I love ED. Id be lost without ED. ED is my everything. How could I ever live without ED?”
Thankfully, my desire to be free eventually outweighed the comfort of being cagED. My passion and dedication to heal and love myself became the key to unlock me from the captivity of ED. I learned a lot from ED, but I’ve learned more by shutting that door, so I could walk through another one that wouldn’t keep me cagED. 
“Network marketing? Isn’t that one of those pyramid schemes!?” I picture those words bellowing out of the mouth of a man wearing a wannabe hipster fedora, with a few too many chins, yet I was once thinking the same thing.
Have you ever thought someone or something else was the cause of your pain and suffering? If you said no, you’re a supernatural freak and I want your number. If you’re a different kind of freak and said yes, you may be surprised to know that noone or nothing can be blamed for the state of your being other than you. 
My friend, who is as unreliable as a soaking wet paper bag, left me to fend for myself NYE. I was only given the news a few hours before we were supposed to meet up… yet again.
Have you ever made a resolution, perhaps to eat better, and the next thing you know you’re 5 fists deep in a bag of cookies made of ingredients you can hardly pronounce? I know I can’t be the only one.
Basic Bitch With A Soul. Has a ring to it, right? I’m certainly not a basic bitch, but as you may know, I’ve got plenty to say about everything, so I certainly can speak on behalf to this.
Have you ever looked at a Catapillar and thought “What the hell is taking you so long you maggot looking blob with legs? Why aren’t you flying?” I don’t think so. You understand there will be a transformation, and time needs to take place. Yet, oh so often we have these unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others. We demand and assume things from us and people we know that make as much logical sense as a cocoon hatching a unicorn.
I made an oopsie. I was browsing through my pictures just a moment ago, and I came across an old “progress” photo of myself. What happened next was not an excellent choice to say the least. I clicked on that photo to take a closer look, knowing very well it would end up with me feeling as though I was that chick in the movie Shriek, when she went from a beautiful feminine looking goddess, to a large mucus green ogre.
I’ve been attracting the “unavailable man”. Whether it be due to distance or not having a plan.
Brooke Lyn Landon 