healthy – Brooke Lyn Landon

Addiction: Old Habits Die Hard

Today marks year 8 since I left a rehabilitation center for eating disorders. That’s not to say it’s all been smooth sailing since. In fact, at times the waters have been rockier than Chris Brown and Rihanna’s relationship.

The past few months, I’ve been having the time of my life. I have an incredible group of friends, I’m making money, having fun, and blah blah blah. Yet, unbeknownst to the world, there was still an internal struggle with my old friend ED. (Eating Disorder) Although I haven’t “relapsed” as many would say, I have certainly regressed in terms of my behaviors, feelings, and thinking.

I look at ED as some abusive ex partner that continues to slide back into my DMs. It’s like ED can see my glow up, and can’t resist swooping back in. ED sends out a message, and I ignorantly open the new inbox notification that says… “I miss you.” I want to respond with a poop emoji but next thing you know a heart has been sent and we’re talking till 2AM.

It’s clear to me that these moments come when something within me is out of alignment. Regardless of how good life is, when I feel too much uncertainty, or a lack of trust in myself or life… *knock knock knock* Here comes ED with his never ending list of food suggestions and criticisms to “help” and control me. Can you blame me for feeling like life has had a fair amount of uncertainty these days? #2020 #isthisreallyhappening

Eating disorders are all about control, so this is my sick and twisted way to cope with the lack of control I feel in my own life. Then, this coping mechanism turns into a habit, and if I’m not careful, a relapse.

It goes a little something like… “You know you want to try that cookie. Go for it. Treat yo’self! You should finish them. Thick is the new fit so I’ve heard.” … “Can’t believe how much you ate. You’re going to be able to feed a Mormon family with the amount of rolls you’re going to have on you tomorrow. You better find a meal to skip soon.”

More often than not, it’s quite counter productive as you can imagine. I end up feeling like Gollum without a ring, but much fatter. (I don’t know why I write so many references from The Lord Of The Rings when I haven’t even seen all of the movies.)

Do I worry about relapsing in the future? I’d be lying if I said no. Heck, I worried today at the vegan buffet. That said, I refuse to let ED win. ED has ruined relationships of mine, and nearly took my life. Yet ED has also taught me some of my most valuable lessons and insights. I do not hate ED. In fact, I love ED for all of the strength and growth it has given me, but I also do not want ED to be an active part of my life again.

I’m here to say It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to regrettably respond to a DM every once in a while. You learn from it all. Just make sure you don’t take the loser back completely.

CagED: Living With an Eating Disorder

The only break I got from my living nightmare, was when I was asleep. My eating disorder consumed me. “When will I eat next? What will I eat? How will I be incognito when the lunch lady clearly sees me grabbing my 6th cookie? I already have a rivalry with her, so fuck it. Plus, I can just have Alexis get me more. God damnit, how dare they take so long in the bathroom. The audacity. I need to be alone in there. If only I was thinner… “ something along those lines was the loop that played on repeat in my head.

To think I used to live that way is almost surreal. The severe amount of anxiety and imprisonment I felt in my own body and mind became second nature. The double life I had to live sucked the life out of me, but I couldn’t even tell. I was able to fool myself and everyone around me.

“Wow, how can you eat so much and be so skinny? Do you have a super fast metabolism or something? You’re so lucky!” Said an acquaintance that I reluctantly agreed could accompany me one day. Meanwhile, she only was watching me eat the last quarter of my meal. Although I was thrilled she called me skinny, her even noticing my eating habits made me want to mush the rest of my ice cream in her face.

It was like I was in an abusive relationship with ED, my eating disorder. I didn’t want anyone to acknowledge it was happening, or make me remember that it was a toxic relationship.

“ED is always there for me. ED comforts me everyday. Yes, ED is controlling, manipulative, and causes me mental and physical pain, but I love ED. Id be lost without ED. ED is my everything. How could I ever live without ED?”

Thankfully, my desire to be free eventually outweighed the comfort of being cagED. My passion and dedication to heal and love myself became the key to unlock me from the captivity of ED. I learned a lot from ED, but I’ve learned more by shutting that door, so I could walk through another one that wouldn’t keep me cagED. photo-1507750809133-76dfbb107d68

Why Network Marketing is Pretty Legit

photo-1539343915366-4da26f7a1f2c “Network marketing? Isn’t that one of those pyramid schemes!?” I picture those words bellowing out of the mouth of a man wearing a wannabe hipster fedora, with a few too many chins, yet I was once thinking the same thing.

Yes, some network marketing companies have a bad rep for a good reason. News flash: People and places have bad reps for a good reason too, like everything else in this world. However, some people, places, and network marketing companies, are pretty freaking awesome. I’m going to go over a few reasons why people should stop getting their panties in a bunch whenever they hear “network marketing”, and why you may actually want to consider looking into it yourself.

1: Community and Support

As humans, we all crave community. We are all looking for support, love, and connection. If you think otherwise, perhaps you’re that guy wearing a wannabe hipster fedora with a lack of discipline. Anyways, some of the most supportive and genuinely caring people I know are/were involved in network marketing. The communities created in this field of work is beyond heartwarming.

I remember someone I knew, who’s skull was thicker than my thighs after the holidays, said “They’re only your friends because they make money when you do.”

“Ummm. False you ignorant twat.” I thought to myself as I bit my lip to prevent those words from escaping the safety of my mind.

Some did, but the majority of them did not. They were just awesomely supportive and loving individuals. To this day, I am still thrilled to know so many lives are being enriched by these loving network marketing communities.

2: Growth

Regardless of whether or not you’re bathing in a claw foot tub full of diamonds and hundred dollar bills from joining a network marketing company, you will grow as a person, and continue to grow. I’ve learned so much and gained a lot of skills that I still use. Not to mention your bank account can grow significantly as well.

3: Cash Money

If you put in the work, you’ll make some serious bank. Key words: Put in the work. If a dude is adding to his collection of chins by watching Dumb and Dumber while eating McDonald’s, he’s not going to be getting any closer to having the type of money to buy an endless supply of new hats and food that didn’t come straight out of a factory farm.

4: Freedom

Woo! Love that word. Freedom to be your own boss, work where you want, make your own hours, and live your life according to you. That’s the life network marketing creates for those who truly pursue that path. I’ve seen it done first hand.

Even if you’re just the consumer, you’re supporting an entrepreneur, rather than mindlessly clicking some random links online, but that’s besides the point.

Now, is this the path for everyone? Absolutely not! There is not one path that suits everyone. However, I would hate to see someone potentially not go down this path due to fear or ignorance, when it could change their lives for the better.

For the record, I would absolutely never recommend that one should join a network marketing company that promotes laxatives or insurance if they’re not into that shit (pun intend) However, if you’re into whatever they’re about, why not take a chance to grow?

We Do This Shit To Ourselves

photo-1527018609937-2ab6154b7197 Have you ever thought someone or something else was the cause of your pain and suffering? If you said no, you’re a supernatural freak and I want your number. If you’re a different kind of freak and said yes, you may be surprised to know that noone or nothing can be blamed for the state of your being other than you.

If you were karate kicked in the face by a grown man wearing Doc Martens, your pain is valid because that probably is going to leave a mark. Much suffering however, is created by your own thoughts, which can only be created by you. Most thoughts are about the past and future, which further proves my point that we often do this shit to ourselves.

For shits and giggles, I’ll give you a personal story as an example. For anonymity, I’ll call the guy I was seeing at the time Joseph Gordon Levitt (I wish). I had been talking to Joseph for months, consistently, every day. My rose colored glasses were on my head more securlely than a seatbelt on a rollercoaster ride. Lord knew, I was about to be on one.

One week, what was once a consistent stream of communication, was a sporadic sprinkle of content. I put myself through hell and back worrying about what I could have done, or what could have happened, to create the change in communication. Next thing you know, my naive inexperienced ass sent him a text out of concern and desperation to get answers and clarity. It wasn’t cringe worthy, but it certainly didn’t deserve an applause. The response and series of events that preceded, resulted in my mom referring to him as the devil because he acted about as mature as the boy in my first grade class who made chronic fart noises with his mouth.

It’s easy to point the finger at Joseph for my sadness because he acted like a douche, but really I did it to myself. My thoughts created the unnecessary worry and insecurity. Those thoughts were the catalyst for an unnecessary text. The text made me come across as needy, and insecure, which is the equivalent of me waving around a giant red flag right in front of Joseph’s face. I chose to let his immature ways make me sad, rather than learning from the situation and thinking “Boy bye. I need me a man. This is the stepping stone to something greater. Onwards and upwards.” It takes two to tango, and we need to own up when we step on someone’s toes.

If you point one finger forward, three are pointed back at you for a reason. You are the actor, director, and editor in the play called your life. To be able to make a 5 star romantic comedy, you have to take accountability for your feelings and the creations in your life. If you want a box office bomb, keep pointing your fingers at other things.

From Ogre to Goddess

girl-2793938_1280 I made an oopsie. I was browsing through my pictures just a moment ago, and I came across an old “progress” photo of myself. What happened next was not an excellent choice to say the least. I clicked on that photo to take a closer look, knowing very well it would end up with me feeling as though I was that chick in the movie Shriek, when she went from a beautiful feminine looking goddess, to a large mucus green ogre.

“How was that only two years ago?! I was lookin’ so fine, and now I have enough rolls on me to feed a mormon family! Wtf happened!?” I thought to myself as I meticulously examined the photograph.

Once the initial after shock settled in, I took a moment to remember that time of my life. Even then, I wasn’t thin enough, or fit enough, to be content. In fact, the only time I ever had been happy with my body was the week prior to going into an eating disorder treatment center, and was depressed then because I knew I’d never be able to be that thin again after I left rehab.

Essentially, I’ve lived almost my entire life not being truly satisfied with my appearance. Yet, looking back, I wish I was that miserable person in the photograph. Unless we learn self love and acceptance exactly how we are and where we are, these negative thoughts and opinions will be perpetual. We will always be chasing an unrealistic ideal of ourselves and our lives because thinking we’re not good enough in any way now, will only lead to more of those thoughts in the future.

It is my ultimate goal to love myself unconditionally like the goddess I am. Regardless of what I do, say, act like, look like, what I’m doing, where I am, I will learn to love every aspect of who I am because deep down, I know I’m worthy of it all, and so are you.

Don’t Break Through Your Barriers

Have you ever felt like you’re not tapping into your intuition or your true potential? Like angels are trying to show you the way, but you’re like “Bye Felicia! I’m too busy trying to make shit happen the hard way to hear you out this time.”

Well, I’ve certainly felt that way.

Sometimes I feel as though I’m trapped in a plexiglass dome, and I’m trying to get out with a toothpick. It’s as if this invisible wall of resistance is the only obstacle that stands between me and everything that I want.

Yet maybe its making peace with that wall that will bring me what I want. Maybe that wall is meant to be there. Maybe there is a door that has yet to be discovered, only to be found once I find peace with it. Maybe, just maybe, that wall is an illusion and the more I wake up, the thinner it will get.

I can write about theories for eons, but at the end of the day, the more we try to break through the wall, rather than understand and accept why in was constructed in the first place, the less our problems will find solutions.

Our walls were built to protect us at some point in our lives, but now mine is more dated than my grandparents wallpaper. My mission is to continue to make strides each day to free myself from any limitations or limiting beliefs that hinder my peace. This wall is not to be broken. This wall is to be accepted and understood so that we learn how to be free. pexels-photo-518959-1

My Terrible Twos

chris-benson-411764 Journal entry

6/4/17

As my sister slept on a flimsy air mattress on the floor to my studio, which was probably like sleeping in a palace to her considering all of the festivals she’s been to, I walked over to my mother as she finished her morning coffee (because you know you have to wait for mothers to have their coffee before you get serious about anything) I pulled her over to my kitchen nook and asked her if she had a minute to talk. She looked confused and concerned as we sat down across from each other. I apologized to her for the years of suffering I had caused her through my addictions, foolish behavior, and disrespect in the past. Though I’ve apologized before, it was very vague, and I felt I owed her an apology that was more specific and sincere. My hopes and expectations were that she would be happy about my apology, accept it, hug it out, and move along our merry way, but it didn’t go quite like that…..

She titled her head down so her gaze peered over her glasses strait into my eyes. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m sorry that you were put in such a poor situation that you had no control over when you were a baby. I remember what you said yesterday about babies being like sponges, and it made me think about what you must have went through at that time. ” She went on to talk about how my dad went manic and was hospitalized when I was two (which I knew, but never really thought about what it must have been like for me). Things turned to shit as my mom tried to keep everything together as she panicked. My grandparents flew in from across the country freaking out, and I was there unable to understand and process why he was gone and why the energy was all over the place. Basically my sponge of a brain was soaking up madness, and confusion. My mother ended with “Things were never the same after that..”

A week later (today), as I sat on the front porch waiting for my therapist to see me, I saw her old Boston Terrier starring and me curiously through the glass door. Once again, the door opened and she stood there flawless with a smile. I sat down and immediately started to vent about my regression. Though I’m better than I was before I started all of this, my thoughts about food and my body checking have slightly increased since my last visit. I blabbed on about how I haven’t been feeling as good since my mother and sister visited a few days ago, even though I had a great time with them. One thing lead to another and I told her about my meditation this morning where I cried out of nowhere, like a soccer player who dramatically leaps and falls to the ground in agony after an opposing player brushes up against him. I Also mentioned later that I gave an apology to my mother while she was here, having no idea it could have everything to do why I’ve been feeling out of whack.

So, all of these emotions are coming up “randomly” now because I didn’t process them when I was two. The door opened when, for the first time, I entertained the thought of what life must have been like for me then. Can I just fast forward to me happy, in love, with a bangin’ body, an awesome career, and a ton of money? Is there a way to skip the whole feeling like shit part of processing old emotions?

You know that feeling when you’re playing mario kart, or some race car driving video game, and you drive off track and spend the next minute anxiously waiting, watching all of the other cars pass you by? Maybe you don’t know what I mean, but I can assure you, it isn’t a good feeling, and that’s how I’m feeling now. I definitely feel like I fell off track even though I’ve continued my meditation practice. It seems as though ever since my mother and sister visited last weekend, my “I’m transforming, life is beautiful” phase has turned into. “What the hell. Why am I not enlightened yet??” I realized it’s kind of like working out for a few weeks, and then getting pissed off that you didn’t win a body building competition.

It Took Having to Leave Everything to Realize What I Had

marcus-kauffman-408760

12/12/17

Air as thick as the minds who don’t believe in global warming. Ash falling from the sky like confetti on New Years Eve, covering the pavement like a carpet of snow. Everyone walking around with masks as if we were MD’s, and are about to save a life. That life however, is our own.

I tried to pack minimally, but my ego did most of the work. Within 30 minutes, I was sitting on top of my third massive suitcase trying to tuck in my lingerie that was way too expensive, and did not get nearly enough use, to leave behind. I heard the sound of a siren, put my mask on, and left my cottage. Clumsily dragging some of my suitcases behind me, I got to my car and opened the trunk. Ash rushed into my car. “Shit…” I thought as I immediately began to hurl my belongings carelessly so I could close the door ASAP.

Not long after I got on the road, I saw the mountains surrounding me engulfed in flames. Tears began to fill my eyes. Truth be told, those tears rolled down my cheeks, and I cried. I’m used to shit happening, and me staying tough and moving on with life. This was different. This brought me back to September 11th. The stuff that stays ingrained in your mind for years to come.

Fast forward several days later, and here I am in LA at a Starbucks feeling somewhat guilty for using their wifi without buying a coffee. Ugh, fine, I guess I will.. Anyways, yesterday I did yoga at a park, bought some yummy food, took a bath, and did all of the generic self care crap. Today I miss Santa Barbara. I know it was amazing there, but I can’t believe how much I took my life for granted. Where I live, the city, my work, my friends, like why the fuck do I ever think my life is anything but extraordinary? … Minus the fact that I’m a little bitter about this guy still not texting me to see if I’m okay. He’s incompetent in the realm of communication. I’m over him. Next.

Moving right along… I just want to go back home. I feel so helpless. I want to help stop the fire, but all I know how to do is stop, drop, and roll, and I feel like that would be pretty counter productive for what they’re trying to accomplish. That being said, I’m alive and everything is working out.

I appreciate what this catastrophe has instilled in me. An immense amount of gratitude for the life I had, and will have again, and an appreciation for what I have now. I’m looking forward to continuing this adventure called life. This fire may have taken my breath away in the literal sense, but figuratively, my life does, and that’s the greatest gift I could ever give myself this Holiday season…. Now let’s see how long this lasts before I start bitching about how I’m not getting any younger or thinner.