health – Brooke Lyn Landon

Changing My Life, Again

It feels like every planet imaginable is in retrograde, and I broke a mirror while walking under a ladder with a black cat in front of me. The apartment of my dreams slipped through my fingers, and I don’t know where I’m going to live in a week. While the prices of living in LA constantly make me feel like I need to get a “real” job or sugar daddy ASAP, the stubborn free spirit within screams, “ I LIKE FREEDOM AND BABY FACES!”

As some of you may recall, about six weeks ago I said I was going to change my life. Through meditation, affirmations and self discipline, I was determined to improve myself and my life. Well, so much for that. To be fair, I had many triumphs during that time, especially with insights on my relationships and setting boundaries. However, this last week shit hit the fan and it’s time for changing my life take 2…. Or take 973,694,761.

So, what went wrong? Nothing. Everything is as it should be. Yet, it feels like absolute SHIT. Why? Maybe because comedians love to suffer on the DL? idk. In all seriousness, I feel like a big part of my work in this lifetime is self mastery. The ADHD, depression, anxiety, addictions, and plethora of other goodies my hand was dealt in this lifetime, is really a royal flush.

It’s like getting socks for Christmas from Santa. When you’re a kid you’re like “God damnit why the fuck did Santa go to Costco for these off white socks when I asked for a slutty Bratz Doll??” Then, years later, you get socks and smile while the Bratz doll would have gotten a buzz cut and thrown in the trash years ago.

This is my path, and my sensitive bitch ass will find my success no matter how many takes I need. I will find my success because of these challenges I move though. They are not here to try to stop me, but to heal me. These obstacles are opportunities for the self mastery I was designed to experience and transcend. Take 2 (or 973,694,761) starts now.

My Biggest Investment

For those of you who have been following my journey, you already know my life has kind of been like that meme of baby Yoda all teary-eyed, with the caption “When you think you’ve healed that part of you, but the world throws you a curve ball.” but then, like a fucking beast, I somehow manage to wipe the tears, put on a smile, and get better at catching the ball next time. Well, life just threw me a massive curveball. It scared the shit out of me, but here’s how I’m going to catch it.

I’ve been saving nearly half of my pay check every month for a rainy day. Then it rains, and instead of buying a new umbrella, I’ve been taking out my broken one, patched up with duck tape, leaking from every side. Obviously, that’s a metaphor, although my grandfather legitimately used to duck-tape the holes on his umbrella.

Well, no more of that. I’m investing quite a bit of money, and it’s going towards the most important thing in anyones life. Themselves. I’m hiring a personal boxing coach, a business coach, new decor and plants for my home, art supplies, not holding back as much when I go out to eat or shop with friends, weekend getaway trips, and the list goes on. Mind you, I have been working hard to have the means to do this. I’m not telling you to brake the bank and test your luck in Vegas.

In short, you can’t pour from an empty cup, and sometimes the best way to fill it is to go and buy some water (Or champagne, whatever floats your boat) instead of walking miles to a dirty well. Investing in yourself doesn’t have to be lavish or expensive, but it does have to be done if you want to make the best of the life you’re living. Other ways you could invest in yourself is taking a nice relaxing bubble bath or painting your toe nails. I say that mainly because it’s on the forefront of my mind because I’m still sweaty from the gym and I so desperately need a pedicure right now.

Nothing in your life will come easily if you yourself are not at ease. Our lives are an external reflection of our internal world, so what’s even more important than buying all of these things is getting your mind ready for them. How are you going to invest in yourself?

I Am Not Alright

I am not alright. As I’ve mentioned in a previous blog, I’ve been having severe sleep issues for months. To put things in perspective, when I went to the sleep lab to get tested overnight, during my 4.5 hours of sleep, I had 7 sleep apnea episodes and woke up a whopping 25 times. Imagine that. Actually don’t because it sucks, I know first hand.

The best they could diagnose me with was sleep architecture disorder which I’m convinced they made up. They probably saw me and figure I looked like an architecture with disorders and called it a day. I’m pretty fucked up right now though, so they’re half right.

Fucked up how, I’ll explain. I’ve been managing this lack of sleep like a tank for so long. By that I mean I’ve been juggling my 4 jobs, social life, and passion projects miraculously well. I had myself convinced I could keep going, but at what cost and until when?

Well, I found out 4 days ago that my limit had been reached. It was pretty clear due to my historical crying and dwindling will to live. Sounds pretty extra but if you went months without sleeping well, you’d want to hit the restart button at some point too.

I say I’m not alright, but I will be. My sleep will improve. In fact, because of this, I’ll be better than before. That’s how hard times and struggles work if you adapt and make the best of it. When something knocks you off course, the only way to get back on track is to focus more diligently than before. Now, I have more determination and eagerness to thrive, and drive to do what it takes to do so. I have to conjure faith and confidence in myself that I will be able to be better and do better than ever, and I will. I know this because that’s the attitude you need to create a life worth living and I’m not letting mine go to waste.

Faith, focus, and fun…. and a bomb sleep routine. That is what I need to create now to ensure I make the most of this blessing in disguise. Sounds like a sign you’d see hanging on the bedroom wall, of a girl named Becky, who goes to Starbucks so much that they make her a pumpkin spice latte as soon as she comes through the door. Regardless, next time you’re in a rut, remember when you have faith in yourself, focus on the life you’re excited to create, and make having more fun and enough sleep a priority, in time, the results will be fucking fabulous. Just watch.

From a Dating App to Apnea

In retrospect, you begin to notice the breadcrumbs you’ve followed to get you to where you are today. Sometimes, it’s more obvious than others. Sometimes, it’s life changing. Sometimes, it starts with a right swipe, and sometimes it’s all of the above.

For those who don’t know, I’ve been having severe sleep issues for the past year. I’m talking an average of three to four hours of sleep a night and I don’t even have a cool night out or event to make up for it. Just me, living like Edward Cullen, but instead of my life being a romantic drama, it’s a comedy freak show.

I work four jobs, have lots of passion projects, and a big social life. My friends don’t understand how I’m still alive, and I’ll be honest, I don’t know either. With barely having enough time to take a piss, I’ve added dating to the mix because go big or go home, right?

I believe I was on the back of a motorbike on my way to work when I came across the dating profile of a Vietnamese American backpacker who got stuck in Vietnam due to the pandemic. 91 counties traveled, nice smile, and didn’t come across as a serial killer, so I swiped right. As a former backpacker, I’ve always appreciated the kind gestures of others, so figured I’d return the favor by letting him stay with me a few nights on his way South.

I told him about my sleeping issues. He actually seemed to care more about my sleep than me. He would make me turn off the lights and go to bed at 10, got me a box of chamomile tea, and literally spent over 30 minutes one night telling me a boring bedtime story to try to help me fall asleep.

It was appreciated, but ultimately didn’t fix much. After he left, he would continue to ask me how I slept every day. He encouraged me to see a doctor to get to the bottom of my sleeping issues. It’s never something I would have done on my own at that time, but he inspired me to take action by making me face the severity of my situation.

I remember the moment it hit me. Curious about my condition, he continued to ask me questions and I continued to make light of it. That is, until he sent me a voice memo saying “You know this is taking years off of your life you can never get back, right? You need to sleep.” Like no shit I need to sleep, but I was so in denial about it being such an issue until I heard those words.

Lo and behold, my nose doesn’t work correctly, my throat doesn’t close properly, and quite frankly, how I’ve managed to function thus far is questionable. This past week has been one doctor visit after the next, but I am so much closer to getting the sleep that will change my life forever. Sometimes, if you follow the breadcrumbs life gives you, you’ll be lead to the right person, in the right place, at the right time, to hear the right thing. I now care way less that he was really messy and sent my OCD through the roof. It was worth the right swipe.

What It’s Like Living in Vietnam During a Global Pandemic

Imagine you heard lightning strike outside your house, and it was so loud, and so close, that you got scared. Yet, you were so cozy under your covers in the comfort of your home, that you felt safe from harm and were able to drift back to sleep. That’s kind of how it feels living in Vietnam during a global pandemic.

I’ll be honest, sometimes the people here do things that make me question their sanity, intelligence, and morals, but when it comes to addressing and taking action during a crisis, Vietnam doesn’t fuck around. In fact, they are the leading example of how to handle a pandemic thus far. Even though if the pandemic escalated here, their health infrastructure would collapse harder than I do on my bed after a day teaching toddlers, this country is underrated. They are some of the most resourceful people I have ever met, and their ability to unite during times of need is admirable. Coming together is what you’d expect would happen in times like these, but when you observe other parts of the world, it’s not as common as you’d hope.

When people ask where I’m from on dating apps, I respond with a poop emoji followed by the American flag. I believe that’s a justified response considering the US is a literal burning mass of shit at the moment. Although I think it went from burning to denigrated at this point. Vietnam in comparison to America looks like Bruce Lee standing next to Lindsey Lohan during her drug binge. (Although I know Bruce Lee is not Vietnamese, and Donald Trump is a bigger laughingstock than Lindsey Lohan ever was, let’s continue.) Yet, barely anyone is talking about how superior Vietnam is…Sounds familiar *cough* Vietnam War.

People listen here, and the leaders take action swiftly and logically. What a concept! Many people think, “As a communist country, of course they’d listen! They’d die or be put in jail otherwise!” That’s not the case. First of all, I listen because I’d rather not be fined or yelled at in a language where I only know how to count to three, and say beer. Most importantly, we’re not a bunch of entitled people who are in denial about the severity of what’s going on. That’s not to say everyone else is entitled or in denial, but too many are.

I’m grateful every day to be living in this country. I feel safe, and life continues to move on as it did before, minus tourism obviously. I feel so much sympathy for so many other countries, but not as much empathy as I usually do in most situations. That is because I only was worried for my health for a week, and to be in fear every day is unfathomable. I hope that the rest of the world follows suit. If you’re reading this, pretend you’re living in a communist country and put on your damn mask as though you’d be fined up the ass otherwise.

Unfucking Myself

I think it’s safe to say we’re all a little fucked up. Thanks mom and dad. Ultimately though, we are the ones responsible for unfucking ourselves to become the person that our fucked-upness has inspired us to be.

On a scale of one to fucked, lately I’d say I’ve been at a “fuck”. That’s to say I like my life and have a lot of great things going on for me right now. I’m content, yet, there may have been more than a few times this week where I’ve done or felt something that made me think “Fuck.” Lately the fucks have been getting louder, but let me explain why nothing could be better than a good “FUCK!”

Sometimes, we choose to let things bother us for too long. We hold on even when the lesson or resistance that served its purpose has expired. Then the fucks get louder and louder until *BAM* you suddenly feel like a hangry Hulk.

When we forget how powerful we are, we fuck ourselves over by thinking sloppily and sitting in self pity. It creates negative momentum until the next thing you know, you’re looking like a hopeless romantic who’s single on valentines day. However, there’s so much beauty and opportunity in those times. Those fucks are essentially wake up calls. It’s an invitation to positively transform your life by using your focus to make beneficial changes in your thoughts and behaviors. It’s life’s way of telling you it’s time to get back into alignment. Sometimes, I’ll admit, I’m a little deaf, but once I tune in and listen, step aside because I’m going from a hangry Hulk to Wonder Woman.

Unfucking ourselves is even more satisfying than a good fuck because you don’t need to rely on anyone else. More importantly, the amount of self motivation and power conjured during the unfucking is more liberating and empowering than I can put into words. When life seems to be fucking you over, acknowledge that this is your wakeup call to unfuck yourself and create the life you’ve been wanting to live.

Addiction: Old Habits Die Hard

Today marks year 8 since I left a rehabilitation center for eating disorders. That’s not to say it’s all been smooth sailing since. In fact, at times the waters have been rockier than Chris Brown and Rihanna’s relationship.

The past few months, I’ve been having the time of my life. I have an incredible group of friends, I’m making money, having fun, and blah blah blah. Yet, unbeknownst to the world, there was still an internal struggle with my old friend ED. (Eating Disorder) Although I haven’t “relapsed” as many would say, I have certainly regressed in terms of my behaviors, feelings, and thinking.

I look at ED as some abusive ex partner that continues to slide back into my DMs. It’s like ED can see my glow up, and can’t resist swooping back in. ED sends out a message, and I ignorantly open the new inbox notification that says… “I miss you.” I want to respond with a poop emoji but next thing you know a heart has been sent and we’re talking till 2AM.

It’s clear to me that these moments come when something within me is out of alignment. Regardless of how good life is, when I feel too much uncertainty, or a lack of trust in myself or life… *knock knock knock* Here comes ED with his never ending list of food suggestions and criticisms to “help” and control me. Can you blame me for feeling like life has had a fair amount of uncertainty these days? #2020 #isthisreallyhappening

Eating disorders are all about control, so this is my sick and twisted way to cope with the lack of control I feel in my own life. Then, this coping mechanism turns into a habit, and if I’m not careful, a relapse.

It goes a little something like… “You know you want to try that cookie. Go for it. Treat yo’self! You should finish them. Thick is the new fit so I’ve heard.” … “Can’t believe how much you ate. You’re going to be able to feed a Mormon family with the amount of rolls you’re going to have on you tomorrow. You better find a meal to skip soon.”

More often than not, it’s quite counter productive as you can imagine. I end up feeling like Gollum without a ring, but much fatter. (I don’t know why I write so many references from The Lord Of The Rings when I haven’t even seen all of the movies.)

Do I worry about relapsing in the future? I’d be lying if I said no. Heck, I worried today at the vegan buffet. That said, I refuse to let ED win. ED has ruined relationships of mine, and nearly took my life. Yet ED has also taught me some of my most valuable lessons and insights. I do not hate ED. In fact, I love ED for all of the strength and growth it has given me, but I also do not want ED to be an active part of my life again.

I’m here to say It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to regrettably respond to a DM every once in a while. You learn from it all. Just make sure you don’t take the loser back completely.

The Devil Wears Lululemon

pexels-photo-206515 Whatever we’re wearing, the devil wears too. There’s a devil out there that’s created by you!

Hold back the tears, and don’t be sad. Being a devil doesn’t have to be bad.

The reason the devil is something you fear, is because you’ve pushed away a part of you that is so dear.

Don’t worry if you are a bit confused, because I still have some more explaining to do.

I will show you an example that will make things clear, and prove that the devil doesn’t have to stay here…

I was feeling as single as a dollar bill, and felt a huge void that I needed to fill.

“Why am I still so down and alone, why can’t I find true love with a hot guy to bone?”

The Devil was at it again in my mind, giving me lots of problems to find.

“Something must be wrong with me, I can’t find a man. what am I doing wrong, I don’t understand!”

I thought once I was loved I would feel complete, and there was something within me I’d first have to defeat.

Once again the devil was back to work, and I was being driven completely berserk!

Nothing is broken or needs to be defeated, when I accept the darkest parts of me, I’ll realize I’ve always been completed.

I was rejecting the part of me that felt unloved and undesired, rather than asking that part of me what it required.

All it was seeking was self acceptance and compassion. Was I listening to some devil just because I liked her fashion?

When you push away a part of you that wants to be accepted, you create a large void and you will feel rejected.

It feels like rejection because that’s what it is. The devil feeds off that shit and comes across as a wiz.

Don’t feed the Devil whether it wears sweats or shoes by Kanye West. Give the true you some love because you deserve the very best.

I Just Wanna Be Fuckin’ Happy

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I was minding my own business, on the back of a motorbike heading out of Tay Ho, Vietnam, when my Spotify shuffled to a random song by Julia Michaels. “What kind of sorcery is this?” I thought to myself as I gazed down to find out the artist and title. The song is called “Happy”, but it’s not about rainbows, butterflies, or drugs. The song is about sadness and heartache. She sang it in a way that touched me in my feels. It’s not often a song will turn me into a total softie while bobbing my head back and forth like I’m preparing for a mosh. However, the reason I was taken aback wasn’t because of that.

Why would a song about heartbreak, and not being happy, resonate with me so much when my life is good? That song essentially put me into a time machine, and flew me back to my cringy yet significantly trimmer and more youthful 16-year-old self. It made me think about times that I didn’t particularly want to go back to, and question many of my life choices. Yet, I still pressed repeat when I knew the song was coming to an end.

The next time I heard her sing the chorus, “I just wanna be fuckin’ happy.”, I asked myself what I had probably been suppressing for a long time. Am I really fucking happy? The fact that I asked that question was enough to know the answer was no. Don’t get me wrong, my life is great. I’m surrounded by an incredible community and wonderful friends. I love my family and have created a beautiful life for myself. I have a good life and I’m happy, but I’m not really fucking happy.

By that I mean, I still have voids I’m trying to fill. I still believe that my life will be better once I start my own business, or once I’m waking up every morning next to the doppelgänger of Leonardo DiCaprio from Titanic. (Yes, specifying Titanic rather than The Revenant makes a big difference in my book.) A part of me feels empty because I’ve created a life where the future, and things outside of myself, hold my conditional happiness. I was and am living a great life, but what’s keeping me from being really fucking happy is complete acceptance and gratitude for what is, regardless of other things I want that have yet to manifest in my life.

I am choosing in this moment to put my value and focus on different things. To bring my attention to the good that I have now rather than what I want in the future. That’s not to say I can’t have dreams and desires, but what I need to do is stop putting so much hype, hope, or worry on the future, that I feel my present is less valuable. Wanting more from life is fine and normal. However, needing something more to feel better, is not a goal we should strive for, yet we seem to have collectively agreed it’s alright.

Many think that in order to change your life, get what you want, and be fucking happy, we have to do something different. Although that’s not wrong, it’s not where to begin. It’s not about doing or having. It’s about being. Who do we have to become? Who do we have to be to change? We have been brought up in a world revolved around doing, but we won’t be taking the right actions if we haven’t become the right person first.

I am choosing to become more grateful and appreciative for what is. I am going to become more present and mindful. I am going to observe my thoughts, feel my feelings, and accept them without resistance. I am going to chill the fuck out and be fucking happy not by changing what I do or have, but who I am. Then, I’ll be truly fucking happy.

To The Guy Who Called Me A C#nt

photo-1581864353095-ec9ced350147 Everyone at some point has been in a situation that was perceived as hurtful, disrespectful, or aggravating. However, the experiences that seem terrible to others, could be an opportunity to give you one more reason to smile. At least that’s what happened to me.

I had just arrived at my friend’s house for game/movie night and pizza. Shortly after, I received a message from a guy who I will refer to as “irrelevant”. He asked me what I was up to and I told him my plans, to which he said.

“When are the games over?”

“When I feel like going to bed. Haha” I replied.

If that wasn’t enough of a hint that I didn’t plan to meet up with him that night, I don’t know what is, but things escalated quickly from there. He sent me a voice memo about how he’s been “going through some shit” in his personal life lately, and wanted to take out his frustrations on me… sexually. Then, he proceeded to tell me what that would entail.

I had no problem with him saying any of that. If anything, his words made me blush and smile, while simultaneously giving me a mild panic attack that someone may have overheard. It’s what came after I told him that he wouldn’t be seeing me later, that had my friends gagging.

Read for yourself… 96B90F3B-B32D-4976-8A2F-BBCB3970DC7D

I have no intentions on speaking to him again, even though he reached out to apologize the following day. However, my initial reaction after reading his texts, was a grin from ear to ear. Why? Because first of all, who says that? It’s pretty hilarious how stupid he is. More importantly, I’m at a point in life where I so strongly know my worth, that not even for a second did his words make me feel that I was missing out in any way, or was inferior to him or anyone else. The pizza alone will probably give me more of an orgasm than he ever could, so there was 100% nothing lost on my end.

I can’t even fathom what this would have done to me back in college. I probably would have responded to his apology faster than my heart raced when I thought someone overheard irrelevant saying what he wanted to do to me. I imagine receiving those texts back then would have negatively impacted what turned out to be an incredible night.

That situation was validation that my self worth, though not perfect, is stronger and higher than it’s ever been. The way I handled everything showed me that I no longer feed into people or situations that don’t add enough value to my life. It gave me an opportunity to reflect on how far I’ve come. Experiences that can easily be perceived as negative, tend to be the ones that will shed more light on the positive if you know where to put your focus.

So, to the guy who called me a cunt… Looks like you’ll have to go fuck yourself now.