What it Feels Like to Be Me


8/10/17 Journal entry

What it feels like to be me. It’s a mind full of chatter to distract me from the inevitable. It’s an outward smile and an incubation of accumulative stress. It’s putting on a show for myself and the world that I feel like I know who I am or what I’m doing. It’s feeling like I’m falling and I don’t know if a net or cement is underneath me. It’s my ego grasping on to me as I try to move forward. It’s hopefulness that I’m on my path, and fear that a tree will fall across it and I wont know how to get around. It’s a knowing the worlds got my back, but an angst that I won’t be able to accept the help.


I’m grateful that is not what it feels like to be me anymore. However, if there comes a day where that is a state that I’m in, and for the sake of my own healing I hope so, I’m not going to try to change. So often it feels as though changing is the best option. By change, I mean forcing oneself to fake it till we make it, or take some action or get validation, to improve our state of being. Though that is, in some instances, the path of least resistance and a good way to progress, I believe it is the most short lived.

I am going to wait until I accept where I am without judgment, and move forward from there. True acceptance in times of turmoil is change on a phycological level, not a physical or emotional level. That’s what I crave. It is more than progress, but rather a process. The process of healing.


In the midsts of my 9 hour drive yesterday, away from the baby blue skys and ancient red rocks of Sedona, I listened to “The physics of Healing” by Deepak Chopra. What he said about the physics of healing both fascinated and frustrated me. In it he said healing is biological creativity. It is a creative response rather than a cognitive response. That I agree with, along with what he followed up saying. However, it had me question my process. He followed up by explaining that healing is a jump from a certain pattern or behavior without an intervening transitional pattern.  Is that to say that incrementally making a positive progression with my habits around food and thoughts not a process towards healing? Must it only be a quantum jump? So long as I am setting an intention to improve my well being, I know I’m on the right path, but I can’t help but wonder if the work I am doing now is leading me to biological creativity or not. Time will tell, and the best has yet to come.


It Took Having to Leave Everything to Realize What I Had




Air as thick as the minds who don’t believe in global warming. Ash falling from the sky like confetti on New Years Eve, covering the pavement like a carpet of snow. Everyone walking around with masks as if we were MD’s, and are about to save a life. That life however, is our own.

I tried to pack minimally, but my ego did most of the work. Within 30 minutes, I was sitting on top of my third massive suitcase trying to tuck in my lingerie that was way too expensive, and did not get nearly enough use, to leave behind. I heard the sound of a siren, put my mask on, and left my cottage. Clumsily dragging some of my suitcases behind me, I got to my car and opened the trunk. Ash rushed into my car. “Shit…”  I thought as I immediately began to hurl my belongings carelessly so I could close the door ASAP.

Not long after I got on the road, I saw the mountains surrounding me engulfed in flames. Tears began to fill my eyes. Truth be told, those tears rolled down my cheeks, and I cried. I’m used to shit happening, and me staying tough and moving on with life. This was different. This brought me back to September 11th. The stuff that stays ingrained in your mind for years to come.

Fast forward several days later, and here I am in LA at a Starbucks feeling somewhat guilty for using their wifi without buying a coffee. Ugh, fine, I guess I will.. Anyways, yesterday I did yoga at a park, bought some yummy food, took a bath, and did all of the generic self care crap. Today I miss Santa Barbara. I know it was amazing there, but I can’t believe how much I took my life for granted. Where I live, the city, my work, my friends, like why the fuck do I ever think my life is anything but extraordinary? … Minus the fact that I’m a little bitter about this guy still not texting me to see if I’m okay. He’s incompetent in the realm of communication. I’m over him. Next.

Moving right along… I just want to go back home. I feel so helpless. I want to help stop the fire, but all I know how to do is stop, drop, and roll, and I feel like that would be pretty counter productive for what they’re trying to accomplish. That being said, I’m alive and everything is working out.

I appreciate what this catastrophe has instilled in me. An immense amount of gratitude for the life I had, and will have again, and an appreciation for what I have now. I’m looking forward to continuing this adventure called life. This fire may have taken my breath away in the literal sense, but figuratively, my life does, and that’s the greatest gift I could ever give myself this Holiday season…. Now let’s see how long this lasts before I start bitching about how I’m not getting any younger or thinner.