I’m in a pickle. I have to break someone’s heart and I don’t know how. I don’t want to, but there’s no way to go around it if I want to live my life with honestly and integrity. The last thing I want to do is ignore the guy. Being ghosted by someone you like is such a mind fuck, I might as well tell him the truth.
I’ve known him for several months now, but the last three weeks, we’ve gotten closer… not just emotionally. For anonymity and clarity, we will call him #61. The problem isn’t that I only want to sleep with a guy that I think will lead to marriage. If you’ve read some of my other blog posts, you probably could have figured that one out. The problem is, continuing this path will be me repeating an old toxic pattern that I refuse to relive.
Four years ago, I was in an on again off again “situationship” that lasted 6 months until I ended things for good. We will call him #20. He wanted to be my boyfriend and I was like… Nah, I’ll pass, but I’m down to keep doing what we’re doing. (I used a different choice of words at the time, but you get the idea.) #20 bent over backwards for me, while I took like one of those kids who pours all the fucking candy in their bag on Halloween when the basket on the doorstep says “Take ONE.” He was so much more invested and I knew it. It felt wrong, so I would end it in a “We can still be friends” way. It wouldn’t take long before we Netflix and chilled, and you can fill in the blank. It ended on good terms, but it still resulted in him moving to a different city the following day.
Not every “situationship” is that way. There’s another guy, #57, who does a lot for me too. He also puts his hands around my neck, and I like it if you catch my drift. Yet, there’s a similar investment and understanding. There’s a mutual satisfaction and expectation. For the record, they’re not just numbers, I genuinely like these people. I just think it’s pretty funny.
#61 is so sweet, caring, and sensitive. He wants nothing more than to love and be loved. I want nothing more than that for both of us, but not with each other. He wants to do things for me, hang out with me, and talk to me all the time. However, we are on totally different pages. If I’m being honest, I am also 99.8% sure that if things continue this way, he will soon start annoying me pretty consistently. I will certainly leave that out when I talk to him later this week.
Not only that, but I feel my brain shifting back to my #20 days when I’d wonder if he could do or help me with x, y, or z, anytime I didn’t feel like doing it myself. This week, I’ve needed a lot of help with transportation, technology and more, but I’ve grown, and intentionally outsourced help elsewhere. I grit my teeth as I read his text the other day saying “If there is anything I can do to help lemme know. The pleasure of helping you always feels good.” I then sighed as I looked up at the sky and thought “Bruh, really?”
I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to take advantage of anyone. I don’t want relationships that are imbalanced, or to have guilt or fear of where things will go. I also hate this feeling of secrecy I have from not having told him how I feel. Is this what a day in the life of Elsa was like before her sister knew her powers?
I want to have people in my life that enhance my wellbeing and vice versa. I want to feel wanted, but want to want them back just the same. I want an equal investment of energy, and I can’t give him that which he deserves just as much.
I know ending things will not be easy. He’s so sensitive, and I know how hurt he will be. Yet, I’m not going to consciously waste my life repeating patterns that don’t serve anyone. I will be honest, empathetic, and do what I can to have him understand and accept the outcome. I would never want to leave him guessing what went wrong, and have him blame himself. Sometimes being honest feels wrong, but it’s always right.