Waves of indecision and uncertainty crash over me like an infant playing too close to the ocean. What will happen as I go solo backpacking through Asia? What am I even doing there? Whenever I choose to return, or if I do, where should I set roots? I try to convince myself I know what I’m doing and put my mind at ease. Truth is, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, but it’s a masterpiece. Here’s why.
Although I may be mildly hyperventilating on a daily basis, I am now the artist of my life. I’m consciously creating my masterpiece rather than blindly making the same images, and using similar colors, that society or others have projected onto me. I’m using my gut, the true designer of life, rather than my mind, which repeatedly tells me to use the same palette to keep me safe and comfortable.
When I walk into the unknown, I feel the invisible bondage of expectations, assumptions, and familiarity evaporate into nothingness, where the beginning of everything lives. It’s unsettling, unnerving, and exhilarating. It’s living.
We are conditioned to think it’s bad to be uncertain of what the future holds, or to not know what the next step is, because it makes us feel uneasy. There’s this unspoken pressure to “have your shit together” which often goes hand in hand with other’s unrealistic expectations of what they think our lives should look like. The uneasiness and change we think are bad are catalysts for forward movement.
I can’t count the amount of times people have told me, “I could never do what you’re doing.” In fact, I heard it today.
My response was “ I don’t feel like I can either, but if I waited until I did, I would never do it.”
It feels chaotic, but chaos is creation in disguise. Chaos, change, and discomfort are masterpiece that is often only acknowledged as such after the fact. Remember, in times of chaos, there’s creation. It’s life giving you a blank canvas. Are you going to create the same image you’ve always made with that clean slate? Will it be a scene that makes your heart ache or sing? Once you embrace the artist you are, it becomes your choice and responsibility to create your masterpiece.
My mind tells me I’m not ready, I have doubts, I feel fear. With that, I also have a blank canvas. It may get messy, and I’m certainly no Michelangelo, but I know I have the freedom to make a masterpiece designed by none other than me.
Brooke Lyn Landon 