What it Feels Like to Be Me

8/10/17 Journal entry

What it feels like to be me. It’s a mind full of chatter to distract me from the inevitable. It’s an outward smile and an incubation of accumulative stress. It’s putting on a show for myself and the world that I feel like I know who I am or what I’m doing. It’s feeling like I’m falling and I don’t know if a net or cement is underneath me. It’s my ego grasping on to me as I try to move forward. It’s hopefulness that I’m on my path, and fear that a tree will fall across it and I wont know how to get around. It’s a knowing the worlds got my back, but an angst that I won’t be able to accept the help.

12/24/17

I’m grateful that is not what it feels like to be me anymore. However, if there comes a day where that is a state that I’m in, and for the sake of my own healing I hope so, I’m not going to try to change. So often it feels as though changing is the best option. By change, I mean forcing oneself to fake it till we make it, or take some action or get validation, to improve our state of being. Though that is, in some instances, the path of least resistance and a good way to progress, I believe it is the most short lived.

I am going to wait until I accept where I am without judgment, and move forward from there. True acceptance in times of turmoil is change on a phycological level, not a physical or emotional level. That’s what I crave. It is more than progress, but rather a process. The process of healing.

12/26/17

In the midsts of my 9 hour drive yesterday, away from the baby blue skys and ancient red rocks of Sedona, I listened to “The physics of Healing” by Deepak Chopra. What he said about the physics of healing both fascinated and frustrated me. In it he said healing is biological creativity. It is a creative response rather than a cognitive response. That I agree with, along with what he followed up saying. However, it had me question my process. He followed up by explaining that healing is a jump from a certain pattern or behavior without an intervening transitional pattern.  Is that to say that incrementally making a positive progression with my habits around food and thoughts not a process towards healing? Must it only be a quantum jump? So long as I am setting an intention to improve my well being, I know I’m on the right path, but I can’t help but wonder if the work I am doing now is leading me to biological creativity or not. Time will tell, and the best has yet to come.