Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse, the universe decided to show me otherwise. The fairytale I had played in my head of everything serendipitously coming together after flying across the country without a plan, wasn’t going as planned to say the least. Where’s my prince charming? Where’s my lottery win? Where my dream career? Surely following my gut and taking a leap of faith should have brought me some clues by now, right?
Looking at the ceiling, sprawled out on the guest bed of my sisters, boyfriends, mothers house, I wished I could go back home. The only problem was I had no home to go back to. I felt like I had lost it all. Relapsed, homeless, jobless, health was non existent, and my mental health and creativity… What’s that? I forgot what it was like to live because I was merely existing at best. All I knew was that I had to keep going because not doing so would certainly be the end of me.
My mind struggled to come up with a plan of action. A part of me wanted to just stay where I was which would have been the equivalent of an ostrich sticking its head in the sand when a lion is running towards it full force. I decided to take my car that had been shipped from New York, and drive up the coast. I thought certainly San Fransisco or the bay area was where I was meant to be. Surely the fact the Golden Gate Bridge was on my vision board I had made in college was a clear sign that was my destiny! Not to mention, I’d heard its like Manhattan, so I’d feel right at home. My grandfather always used to say “Man makes plans, and God laughs.” If I had texted my expectations about this move and current plans to the universe, God, whatever you want to call it, the response would have been “LMFAO”
My car had seen very little action parked in the driveway of my mothers house as I lived in NYC, and it was clear I had very little action driving recently as I got behind the wheel. “Whoops!” is not the words you want to hear yourself say when you’re driving, but it wasn’t uncommon as I made my way up the coast. I used to drive like a boss, but for whatever reason, I turned into my 89 year old grandmother as soon as my foot hit the gas.
Ready to get out of the car like a cat in water, and wanting to explore, I chose to stop in Santa Barbara for a few days along the way to San Fransisco. With all of the worry, uncertainty, and binging I was doing to cope, It is hard to even recall those few days because I was so in my head. The day before I left however, is a day I will never forget.
Not long before heading to my next destination up the coast, I decided to go to the grocery store to binge and purge again because that’s just about the only way I knew how to start my day. As I made my way towards Carrillo St., it’s as though time slowed down as my foot hit the gas to maneuver around a giant MNT bus. Within seconds, that bus had completely destroyed my car.
Hands still on the wheel, I nodded my head as if to say “Yeah, this looks about right.” I thought to myself “My heads a mess, my car’s a mess. This is literally my thoughts manifested in the physical world.” As I stepped out of the car, I saw people running out of their homes to see if I was alright. I starred at the mysterious looking fluid running from my car and onto the pavement. “So, is there like a number to call for this?” I casually asked the bus driver who had gotten out of the bus to see the damage. Before I knew it, my car was taken away, and I was crying myself to sleep on the floor of someone else’s house.
Follow and stay tuned to see what happens next! Check out my previous posts for the beginning of this crazy journey !